PEOPLE 

(Thither  coming  out  of  a  region  wherein  disasters 
are  met  as  if  they  were  a  jest), 

Whom  You  May  Meet 
at  the  Fair 


By  ADAIR  WELCKERj 


GIFT   OF 


PEOPLE 

(Thither  coming  out  of  a  region  wherein  disasters 
are  met  as  if  they  were  a  jest), 

Whom  You  May  Meet 
at  the  Fair 

By  ADAIR  WELCKERo 


Copies  to  be  had  from  ADAIR  WELCKER,  508 

Berkeley   National   Bank   Bldg., 

Berkeley,  California. 

From  all  American  Book  Jobbers  and  Booksellers. 

In  Great  Britain  from  the  publishers   selected  to 
distribute  the  books  in  that  country. 

In   Germany,  from  stores  selling  to  the  English- 
speaking  public  of  Germany. 


Copyright  1913.  by  Adair  Welcker. 

The   right   is  reserved  to  dramatize,   make  Comic 

Operas  of,  or  use  for  the  purpose  of  moving 

pictures,   or   other   purposes,   the   contents 

of  this   book. 


Printed  by~ 

Lederer,  Street  C&  Zeus  Company 
2121  Addison  St.,  Berkeley,  Cal. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


Notice  to  the  Trade 


This  book,  because  of  its  present  relation  to  the 
coming  Fair,  the  manner  in  which  jt  is  going  to 
become  related  to  and  connected  later  with  the 
minds  of  the  millions  attending  the  fair,  and  be 
come  a  part  of  them ;  the  fact  that  it  will  be  con 
nected  with,  and  become  a  part  of  the  history  of 
the  Fair,  should  cause  copies  of  the  work  at  once 
to  be  called  for  in  quantities  beyond  all  suddenly 
and  extensively  demanded  in  the  case  of  any  book 
before  in  the  whole  book  publishing  history  of  the 
world. 

It  is  therefore  suggested  that  booksellers  at  once, 
in  order  that  they  may  not  have  to  be  delayed 
in  getting  copies  later,  after  the  world-wide  de 
mand  for  them  commences,  when  they  will  not 
either,  be  able  to  obtain  them  wholesale  on  the 
terms  that  in  the  beginning  will  be  granted,  send 
in  their  wholesale  orders,  either  to  the  author  and 
publisher  in  America  or  to  the  publishing  houses 
of  great  Britain  and  on  the  continent  that  at  the 
same  time  are  going  to  publish  and  distribute  it. 

The  retail  price  of  the  book,  cloth  bound,  is 
95  cents. 

For  wholesale  rates  apply  to  Adair  Welcker,  508 
Berkeley  National  Bank  Bldg.,  Berkeley,  Cal. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


The  Following  are  Some  of  the 
Press  Opinions 


of  another  work,  by  its  writer,  in  some  respects 
similar  to  this  book,  together  with  a  review  writ 
ten  by  him  upon  the  ideas  expressed  in  one  of  the 
opinions : 

Lloyds  Weekly  News  (London,  England)  :  "It 
is  a  book  distinctly  to  be  read,  not  merely  for  the 
amusement  it  affords,  but  because  the  author,  like 
a  true  humorist,  sets  some  of  the  hard  facts  of 
life  before  us  in  quite  new  lights." 

The  Chicago  Daily  News,  in  connection  with  the 
work  said:  "The  narrative  seems  confused  in 
some  not  wholly  comprehensible  manner  with  Mr. 
Welcker's  desire  to  be  president  of  the  United 
States,  and  the  belief  that  in  some  way  his  brief 
and  funny  stories  are  to  aid  him  in  accomplish 
ing  this  entirely  laudable  ambition.  The  book  is 
certainly  better  than  others  from  the  same  hand 
that  have  preceded  it,"  etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

The  Dundee  (Scotland)  Advertiser,  referring  to 
the  theory,  of  which  the  Chicago  Daily  News  had 
spoken,  that  the  author  had  within  him  the  de 
sire  to  be  president  of  the  United  States,  after  find 
ing  "plenty  of  humor  in  the  book,"  said,  of  the 
author's  response  made  to  the  theory  expressed: 
"It  is  notable  for  its  common  sense."  The  obser 
vation  of  the  Chicago  Daily  News  might  now  also 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


arouse  consideration  as  to  whether  this  question 
is  not  one  that  wise  men  should  ponder: 

Can  a  man  afford  to  be  president  of  the  United 
States  for  four,  or  eight  years  at  a  time  when  legis 
lators  throughout  those  States  are  passing  Niagaras 
of  laws  that,  from  every  standpoint,  putting 
shackles  upon  business, — business,  managed  by 
men  who  have  lived  in,  studied,  and  learned  it,  as 
have  not  those  who,  putting  themselves  forward  as 
holier  than  are  they,  as  legislators  would  regulate 
it  —  tend  to  destroy  that  human  liberty  that  the 
United  States  were  established  above  all  other 
lands  to  foster,  if  such  a  man  has  been  found  that 
through  him  a  process  has  been  furnished  by  which 
this  officious  officialdom  may  be  checked  in  its 
operation,  for  many  times  years  more  than  four 
thousand? 

As  a  corollary  to  the  last  paragraph  it  may  be 
said  that  the  day  has  come  when  there  is  but  lit 
tle  room  left  in  the  world  for  Law.  For  equity, 
in  all  of  the  centuries  to  come,  too  much  room 
cannot  be  found.  It  will  be  well  for  every  legisla 
tor  in  the  world  to  commit  to  memory  the  follow 
ing  words,  in  1906  printed  in  a  journal  in  Eng 
land:  ''Referring  to  the  recent  street  car  strike 
in  San  Francisco,  our  lawyer  friend,  Adair  Welck- 
er,  writes  to  us  from  that  city:  The  trouble  is 
that,  since  the  Code  System  has  operated  in 
America  many  lawyers,  profoundly  versed  in  law, 
forget  and  overlook  equity,  which  such  a  thing 
as  an  earthquake  can  cause  to  become  the  more 
important  of  the  two.  The  greatest  lawyers  have 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


kept  in  mind  both  equity  and  law.  Why  one  is 
as  vital  as  the  other  all  of  them  do  not  know. 

The  law  is  of  the  intellect;  the  intellect  sees, 
and  is  satisfied  with  the  letter  of  the  bond,  or 
agreement ;  and  cannot  comprehend  the  absurdity 
that  calls  for  heart  and  spirit  wherefrom  are  the 
issues  of  life, — or  equity.  To  the  bond  or  con 
tract,  in  the  play  of  the  "Merchant  of  Venice,"  the 
one  in  whose  favor  it  was,  would  have  the  law 
applied.  His  intellect  could  not  see  any  reason 
why  it  should  not  be  carried  out.  But  there  is  a 
heart  in  man, — as  well  as  a  mind.  In  olden  times 
men  wished  an  eye  for  an  eye,  and  the  tooth  for  a 
tooth  that  the  law  gave.  There  was  no  reason 
against  this.  But  a  dispensation  greater  than  the 
old  law  came  into  the  world, — through  the  heart. 
And  this  dispensation  was  the  quality  of  mercy, 
not  strained,  which  is  Equity,  given  to  the  world 
by  one  who,  in  blessing  the  merciful,  put  an  end 
to  many  an  ancient  contract. 

The  law  would  leave  the  hearts  of  all  men  as 
cold,' — as  dead, — as  the  icebergs  that  come  down 
from  the  north.  But  equity  which  is  of  the  heart, 
has  in  it  a  quality  that  at  the  right  time  and  un 
der  circumstances  that  have  altered,  can  melt 
them. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


Table  of  Contents 

1.  The   lunatic,  on  account  of  whose   interven- 
~(ion   the   course   of   true   love   was    caused   to   run 

oth;  the  stern  parent;  the  romantic  daughter; 
tw  enraptured  husband ; — who,  all  of  them,  will 
>M.  seen  at  the  Fair. 

2.  Two   ladies,   who, — one   always   on   one   side 
oy  tne  other,  and  the  other  on  the  other  side  of  a 

'  much  married"  ancient  mariner, — with  him  will 
be  among  those  who  will  constitute  the  mighty 
gathering. 

3.  A   Los   Angeles    County   poet,    (who   is   said 
to  be  about  to  start  a  new  cult  at  Long  Beach), 
whom  you  will  not  fail  easily  to  recognize  among 
those  who  will  be  at  the  Fair. 

4.  A  dog,  that  can  furnish  instruction  to  a  very 
large    number   of   our   U.    S.    Universities   upon    a 
matter   wherein    they   have    shown    that    they    are 
lacking. 

5.  No    boudoir    (he    prefers, — considering    him 
self  to  be  his  own  very  satisfactory  dictionary, — 
to   pronounce   it   "boodwah"   writer),   a   poet   of   a 
type  differing   from  that  of  the  bard  of  Los  An 
geles, — whom  you  will  be  able  to  see   (descending 
out  of  the  clouds  that  about  Tamalpais  have  gath 
ered),  down  through  Muir  woods,  and  to  the  Fair. 

6.  An  "Ancient  Adonis,"   (every  young  woman 
who,    on    Saturday    afternoon    has    walked    along 
Market   Street,  will  at  once   recognize   him),   who 
will  not  fail  to  be  seen  daily  on  parade. 

7.  A  physiognomist,  who  knew  not  what  others 


8  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

had  been  thinking  of  his  own  countenance  and  in 
consequence  were  going  to  do  to  him,  who  will 
be  seen  at  the  Fair. 

8.  Two,    who    having    followed    the    advice    of 
Greeley,     and    achieved    in    consequence     in     San 
Francisco    a    vast    business    success,    that    causes 
thousands  to  marvel,  who  will — as  together  they 
are   there — many   times  be   pointed   out   by   others 
at  the  Fair. 

9.  A  newspaper  man  who  will  not  be  there. 

10.  A  dentist,  whose  twisted  and  sharpened  steel 
instruments  served  to  be  his  first  aid  in  bringing 
to  a  successful  conclusion  a  very  remarkable  woo 
ing,  who,  with  his  wife,  will  be  seen  at  the  Fair. 

11.  The    Colonel,    (whom    any   San    Franciscan 
will  be  able  to  point  out  to  you),  to  be  seen  there, 
— who  can  explain  to  you  the  rules  by  which  wom 
an  may  infallibly,  and  easily  be  won. 

12.  A  young  lady  who  successfully  has  played 
the  part  of  tortoise  in  her  race  with  the  hare,  who, 
having   married  the   goal   that   her   race   won   her, 
to  his  arm  clinging,  will  be  seen  there. 

13.  A    man    whose    ambition    has    been    turned 
into  the  most  complete  of  all  forms  of  human  ac 
complishment,   who  will  be  at  the   Fair. 

14.  The  night  of  misadventures  of  a  man,  neith 
er   Green,   Yellow,   nor   Black,   who   therefore   can 
easily  be   remembered  as   Brown,    (that  being  his 
name),  who  certainly  will  not  see  two  burglars  at 
the  Fair; — not  if  they  see  him  first. 

15.  What  at  one  time,  not    far    from    its    center, 
was  San  Francisco's  inferno. 

16.  Afterword. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


The  Lunatic;  The  Stern  Parent; 

The  Romantic  Daughter; 

The  Lover 


Mr.  Dooselap  Toker  belonged  to  the  bustling 
class  of  little  business  men,  who,  busy  about  noth 
ing,  are,  while  snapping  their  watches  in  your 
presence,  always  in  a  hurry  to  rush  off  and  at 
tend  to  it.  While  full  of  gigantic  schemes,  they 
are  busy,  chiefly,  in  the  attempt  to  make  others 
believe  in  their  delusions. 

Miss  Virginia  Carswallow,  the  daughter  of  a 
rich  baker,  in  her  own  estimation,  was  a  young 
lady.  Her  friends  said  that  if  she  was  a  young 
lady  she  was  rather  an  old  one.  Her  age  was  37. 
She  was  five  feet  and  ten  inches  in  height;  had  a 
face  rich  in  color;  and  a  head  adorned  by  curls 
that  had  they  been  off  her  head,  might  have  been 
mistaken  for  rope  yarns.  Her  temper,  which  was 
a  high  one,  had  been  developed  by  constant  quar 
rels  with  a  step-mother,  with  whom  she  stood  on 
a  sarcastic  footing.  She  had  that  kind  of  a  roman 
tic  and  uncouth  disposition,  which  is  sometimes 
formed  in  the  mind  of  a  lady  of  37,  by  a  constant 
study  of  those  unhappiest  of  unhappy  novels  which 
deal  generally  with  impossible  duchesses  and 
worthless  dukes; — novels  which,  by  their  importa 
tion  from  abroad,  have  done  so  much  to  retard 
the  development  of  a  literature  in  America;  the 


10  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

country  in  which  the  dukes  and  duchesses  of  lit 
erature  appear  to  be  most  admired. 

Dooselap  Toker  was  33  years  of  age  and  four 
feet  eleven  inches  in  height,  but,  notwithstand 
ing  their  difference  in  height  he  had,  in  time,  ac 
quired  the  courage  to  look,  first,  up  to  Miss  Car- 
swallow,  and  afterwards,  while  looking  down  at 
his  own  toes,  to  ask  her  hand  in  marriage. 
This  she  refused  to  grant,  until,  as  a  new 
argument,  he  informed  her  that  he  was  a  descen 
dant  of  the  Pittridges,  stopping  at  Wempy-on- 
Sketchen.  This  strong  argument  overcame  the 
objection  of  Miss  Carswallow.  She  did  not  even 
stop  to  ask  what  Pittridges,  stopping  at  Wempy- 
on-Sketchen,  might  be.  They  might  have  been 
a  species  of  wild  ducks  and  Wempy-on-Sketchen 
the  lake  on  which  they  swam,  for  all  she  knew; 
but,  as  she  had  read  of  duchesses  and  dukes  who 
lived  in  places-on-places,  even  if  it  was  so,  with 
Mr.  Toker's  antecedents  she  was  satisfied. 

During  the  visit  which  had  terminated  in  their 
engagement,  the  father  of  Miss  Carswallow,  hav 
ing  taken  an  unaccountable  antipathy  to  the  bust 
ling  man  of  business,  had,  on  several  occasions, 
scrutinized  him  with  anything  but  a  lovable  look 
in  the  corner  of  his  left  and  most  penetrating  eye. 
At  last,  as  IVJr.  Toker  was  one  day  mounting  the 
front  steps  to  the  door  of  the  mansion  in  which 
dwelt  his  beloved,  a  rotund  and  self-important  in 
dividual  apepared  in  the  doorway  and  opposed  his 
entrance.  The  gentleman  possessing  the  rotund 
figure  surveyed  him  of  the  bustling  manner  from 
the  top  of  his  bustling  head  to  his  rather  well  de- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  11 

veloped  and  bustling  feet.  Mr.  Toker,  upon  return 
ing  the  gaze  of  Mr.  Carswallow — for  it  was  he — won 
dered  whether  it  would  be  best  to  go  between  his 
legs,  squeeze  by  him,  or  take  to  his  own  heels. 
The  last  absurd  idea  was  of  course  abandoned  as 
soon  as  it  was  formed. 

"Glad  to  see  you,  Mr.  Carswallow,"  said  Mr. 
Toker,  with  a  smile ; — a  smile  which,  being  artifi 
cial  and  prepared  for  the  occasion,  consisted  chief 
ly  in  a  show  of  teeth. 

"I  must  say  you  look  it" ;  remarked  the  parent 
of  his  sweetheart,  who  knew  a  sham  smile  when  he 
saw  it  and  did  not  believe  at  all  in  Mr.  Toker's 
gladness  at  the  meeting. 

"Fine  day!"  observed  Mr.  Toker,  now  bustling 
from  one  foot  to  the  other,  as,  having  the  gen 
tleman  in  his  way,  he  could  no  longer  bustle  for 
ward. 

"Tain't,"  said  Mr.  Carswallow,  briefly  express 
ing  his  views  on  the  subject  of  the  weather,  in  one 
word. 

"Ain't  it?"  Mr.  Toker  humbly  asked. 

"No  sir,  it  are  not";  said  the  other. 

For  once  in  his  life  Mr.  Toker  ceased  to  be  busy. 
He  stood  still  and  was  at  a  loss  for  something  to 
say;  but,  feeling  that  under  the  circumstances  a 
word  would  not  be  out  of  place  he  raised  his  head, 
as  does  a  chicken  when  drinking,  and  said:  "How's 
the  price  of  wheat?" 

At  this  remark,  a  new  idea  flashed  across  the 
mind  of  Mr.  Carswallow — for  he  was  a  man  full 
of  suspicions,: — and  his  firmly-fixed  antipathy  made 
him  ready  to  believe  anything  evil, — however  evil 


12  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

of  Mr.  Toker.  Could  it  be  that  the  visits  of  this 
man  to  his  daughter,  were  but  as  a  blind?  Could 
it  be,  as  he  now  suspected,  that  he  was  a  com 
mercial  spy — a  spy  trying  to  fathom  a  secret 
scheme,  which  was  a  pet  one  of  his,  in  regard  to 
wheat,  and  a  method  of  causing  a  change  in  its 
price?  So,  while  to  Mr.  Toker,  his  eyes  seemed 
to  expand  to  the  size  of  saucers,  he  asked,  fiercely: 

"Who  sent  you  here  to  come,  a-catechising  me 
about  wheat?" 

Mr.  Toker  being  embarrassed  by  the  belief  that 
Mr.  Carswallow  would,  on  but  small  further  provo 
cation,  proceed  to  bite  him,  in  his  embarrassrr.ent 
mentioned  the  name  of  the  first  flour  merchant 
that  came  into  his  head.  It  was  a  fatal  blunder; 
for  he  had,  by  accident,  mentioned  the  name  of 
the  very  business  sleuth  hound  believed  by  Mr. 
Carswallow  to  be  on  the  track  of  his  secret. 

"Look  here,  Do  Slap  Toker,"  he  said,  "which 
I  believe  is  your  name.  You  get  off  these  prem 
ises  ;  and  mark  me  well.  If  ever  I  see  your  sal 
low,  pudding  face  here  again,  there's  just  one 
thing  I'll  do;  I  will  slap  Toker.  And  what's  more, 
I'll  kick  Toker,  too !" 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  after  this 
the  lovers,  following  the  methods  common  to 
lovers,  foxes  and  bandits,  met  by  stealth,  and 
not  openly,  as  is  the  general  custom  of  people 
whose  intentions  are  honest.  Because  of  the  na 
ture  of  these  meetings  their  ties  of  affection  be 
came,  of  course,  rivets,  like  rivets  of  brass,  and 
the  awful  oaths  which  they  took  became  chains 
which  bound  them  to  each  other  with  such  firm- 


Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them  13 

ness,  that  even  the  storms  produced  by  a  storming 
parent  could  not  disturb  them.  With  them  there 
was  but  one  problem  which  was  considered  worthy 
of  solution,  and  that  was  how  to  get  married.  In 
the  meantime  the  eternal  vigilance  of  the  parent 
was  the  price,  not  of  their  liberty,  but  of  their 
thralldom. 

Dooselap  Toker  formed  soon  the  habit  of  pac 
ing  the  sidewalk,  at  night,  in  front  of  the  house 
in  which  his  sweetheart  lived.  This  was  worse 
than  a  bad  habit,  for  the  vigilant  parent,  upon 
seeing  him  there,  hired  three  footpads  to  come 
along,  on  a  night  of  unusual  darkness,  in  the  guise 
of  footpads,  and  drub  him  soundly;  and  as  they 
carried  out  their  directions  to  the  letter  and  did 
soundly  drub  him,  Mr.  Toker  betook  himself,  with 
his  meditations,  to  another  and  a  less  dangerous  lo 
cality. 

Of  course  notes  were  sent  and  were  intercepted, 
and  their  only  result  was  a  cursing  for  Mr.  Toker 
the  next  time  the  parent  met  him  upon  the  street. 
It  is  needless  to  say  that,  being  a  lover,  Mr.  To 
ker  did  at  last  get  his  note  to  his  sweetheart.  By 
this  note  it  was  arranged  that  they  were  to  take 
the  train  and  go  to  an  interior  town,  stop  at  ho 
tels  which  faced  each  other  on  different  sides  of 
the  same  street,  wait  until  after  dark  to  avoid  ac 
cidents,  and  then  meet  and  be  married.  The  whole 
matter  was  planned  and  arranged  by  Mr.  Toker. 
He  thought  it  not  only  the  latest,  but  the  best  of 
his  schemes.  He  arranged  to  have  room  No.  6, 
in  one  of  the  hotels,  waiting  for  the  lady,  and 
room  6  in  the  other  hotel  kept  vacant  for  himself. 


14  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

In  communicating  these  facts  in  the  hastily- 
written  note  which  he  sent  to  Miss  Carswallow, 
he  told  her  that  they  must,  when  at  the  hotels, 
communicate  with  each  other  only  under  assumed 
names ;  but  what  those  assumed  names  were  to  be, 
he  neglected  to  say. 

The  next  day, — the  day  which  had  been  set  for 
their  departure. — when  Mr.  Carswallow  went  down 
to  breakfast  he  became  angry  at  once, — because 
he  was  hungry,  because  he  was  in  a  hurry,  and 
because  his  daughter  was  not  present.  When  the 
brass  hands  of  his  ebony  clock  marked  ten  min 
utes  past  the  breakfast  hour,  and  she  had  not  ap 
peared,  he  paced  the  dining  room  floor  and  frigh 
tened  the  girl  who  waited  on  the  table  by  giving 
expression  to  his  wrath.  It  was  no  uncommon 
thing  for  Mr.  Carswallow  to  be  delayed  in  this 
manner  by  his  daughter,  for  when  deeply  interest 
ed  in  a  novel  containing  European  aristocracy, 
which  was  described  as  being  of  a  higher  stand 
ing  than  usual,  this  lady  would  be  late  to  break 
fast,  and  when  princes  and  princesses  were  spoken 
of,  it  was  not  uncommon  for  her  to  forget  that 
she  had  ever  formed  the  habit  of  eating,  and  ne 
glect  her  breakfast  altogether.  A  new  cause  for 
delay  had  of  late  been  the  extra  efforts  made  to 
set  her  curls  into  those  shapes  that  she  believed 
would  obtain  from  Mr.  Toker  his  approval.  But, 
as  knows  the  reader,  Miss  Carswallow  was,  on  the 
occasion  referred  to,  away  from  home.  After  wait 
ing  twelve  minutes  for  his  daughter,  Mr.  Carswal 
low, — who  had  an  important  engagement  at  his 
office — supposing  that  she  had  become  interested 


Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them  15 

in  one  of  those  novels,  never  dull  to  uneducated 
and  aristocracy-worshipping  American  women, — 
swallowed  a  biscuit  whole,  threw  a  cup  of  hot  cof- 
down  his  throat,  by  the  performance  scalded  it, 
jammed  his  hat  viciously  on  his  head,  and  fled  to 
keep  his  engagement,  when  it  was  too  late.  In  the 
meantime  his  daughter,  on  board  of  a  train  of  cars 
in  a  romantic  dream, — for,  as  we  have  neglected 
to  say,  Miss  Carswallow  was  a  poetess, — was  be 
ing  whirled  towards  the  brink  of  matrimony. 

Dooselap  Toker,  when  about  to  start  upon  the 
same  journey,  met  with  a  misfortune.  Following 
his  custom  of  wasting  no  time,  (which,  as  every 
body  knows,  is  money),  he  started  for  the  Oakland 
boat  which  connected  with  the  train  taken  by  the 
lady,  so  as  to  reach  the  boat  just  as  the  hand  of 
the  clock  in  the  brown  tower  at  the  foot  of  Mar 
ket  street  would  reach  the  last  quarter  of  the  last 
minute  of  the  hour  at  which  the  boat  was  to  start. 
Of  course,  when  this  is  done  as  Mr.  Toker  had  so 
often  succeeded  in  doing,  it  shows  that  the  time 
of  the  man  who  does  it  is  valuable ;  and  it  shows 
that  the  watch  in  regard  to  whose  time  keeping 
qualities  every  American  is  sensitive,  is  one  of 
which  to  be  justly  proud.  But  instead  of  reaching 
his  boat  on  this  occasion  at  a  quarter  of  a  minute 
before  the  hour,  Mr.  Toker  reached  the  wharf 
after  the  boat  had  been  gone  a  quarter  of  a  min 
ute.  In  consequence  of  this  fact  he  had  to  take 
a  train  which  did  not  reach  the  desired  destina 
tion  until  6  o'clock  in  the  evening.  In  the  mean 
time,  supposing  that  he  was  not  coming  the  land- 


16  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

lord  of  the  hotel  in  which  he  was  to  stop,  had 
given  No.  6  to  a  lunatic,  there  on  his  way  to  an 
asylum  in  charge  of  a  deputy  sheriff.  The  land 
lord  thought,  when  Mr.  Toker  arrived,  that  it 
would  save  trouble  to  put  him  in  No.  16,  and,  as  an 
excuse  for  so  doing,  tell  him  that  he  had  under 
stood  from  the  messenger  who  had  engaged  the 
room,  that  16  was  the  room  desired.  Mr.  Toker 
was  much  put  out;  but  at  last  accepted  the  situ 
ation  and,  followed  by  the  porter  who  carried  his 
valise,  went  up  to  his  room. 

At  the  town  which  has  been  described,  the  dep 
uty  sheriff  in  charge  of  them,  was  in  the  habit  of 
turning  his  San  Francisco  lunatics  over  to  a  keep 
er,  who  then  took  them  from  there  on  to  an  asy 
lum.  It  so  happened  that  while  Mr.  Toker  was  on 
his  way  to  room  16,  this  keeper, — who  was  a  pow 
erfully  made  man,  over  six  feet  in  height. — was 
seen  coming  up  the  street  by  the  deputy  sheriff, 
who  was  gazing  out  of  the  window  of  room  6, 
which,  as  the  room  was  in  the  front  part  of  the 
hotel,  opened  out  upon  the  street.  He  had  been 
awaiting  his  arrival  with  some  anxiety,  as  he  hoped 
to  take  the  train  back  to  San  Francisco  upon 
which  Mr.  Toker  had  arrived.  Believing  that  he 
could  catch  the  train  by  running  for  it,  he  closed 
the  door,  leaving  the  lunatic  inside  of  the  room, 
and  dashed  down  stairs.  Passing  the  keeper  on  the 
stairway,  he  said:  "He's  in  6!"  hurried  on,  and 
caught  his  train. 

The  keeper  made  the  mistake  which  the  land 
lord  had  pretended  to  make.  He  paid  but  little  at 
tention  to  the  number  of  the  room  designated  by 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  17 

the  deputy  sheriff,  (as  No.  16  was  the  room  usu 
ally  assigned  to  his  prospective  charges),  and  when 
the  deputy  sheriff,  while  hurrying  by  him  on  this 
occasion,  said  "six,"  he  supposed  that  he  as  usual 
had  said  "sixteen."  He  went,  therefore,  to  16,  and 
upon  opening  the  door,  found  Mr.  Toker  in  his 
shirt  sleeves,  before  the  looking  glass ;  and  as,  for 
the  purpose  of  examining  a  mole  on  the  side  of 
his  head,  he  was  making  a  distorted  face  which 
the  glass  reflected,  the  keeper  saw  in  this  per 
formance  satisfactory  evidence  of  Mr.  Tokers  in 
sanity.  The  large  keeper,  whose  name  was  Spar 
row,  taking  a  seat  on  the  bed,  casually  examined 
the  small  Toker  for  further  indications,  and  as  he 
did  so  he  rolled  a  cigarette  between  his  thumbs  and 
forefingers.  These  proceedings  caused  Mr.  Toker 
to  look  long  and  hard  at  Mr.  Sparrow. 

"Now  don't  look  at  me  in  that  tone  of  voice,  or 
you'll  surely  hurt  yourself,"  said  Mr.  Sparrow. 

"Who  are  you?"  Mr.  Toker  asked,  as  he  contin 
ued  to  examine  the  keeper  with  a  look  which  was 
neither  casual  nor  cordial. 

"I'm  Sparrow — the  man  you'll  fly  with,"  re 
marked  the  other,  giving  additional  effect  to  his 
witticism  by  a  wink,  as  he  felt  in  the  pocket  of  his 
black  vest  for  a  match. 

"You  will  have  the  kindness  to  leave  the  room," 
said  Mr.  Toker,  in  a  tone  of  voice  which  was  meant 
to  be  satirical,  when  he  added,  "as  I'm  not  flying 
this  week,  nor  next  either,  for  that  matter/' 

"No?"  said  Mr.  Sparrow,  as  he  scratched  a 
match  on  the  leg  of  his  trousers ;  "you're  not  flying 
this  week — or  next?  No  telling,  though,  what  you 


18  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

will  be  doing,  or  think  you  are,  week  after  next." 

"You  will  have  the  kindness  to  leave  the  room," 
Mr.  Toker  again  said,  angrily. 

"I  know  I  will.  Not  ready  to  start,  though,  yet," 
said  Sparrow,  "so  don't  be  in  a  hurry." 

"Who  are  you?"  demanded  Mr.  Toker  again, 
and  fiercely. 

"Sparrow,  I  told  you.  A  man  that  most  of  your 
kind  find  to  be  a  sort  of  bird  of  passage,"  was 
the  reply.  "Look  here,"  he  continued,  as  he  tapped 
his  forehead  with  his  first  two  fingers — "there's 
where  your  trouble  lies ;  so  when  we  start,  you  bet 
ter  come  along  with  me  without  bother." 

On  hearing  this  Mr.  Toker  became  sick  at  the 
stomach.  "You  don't  take  me  for  a  lunatic?"  he 
almost  screamed. 

"I  don't  know  what  I  take  you  for,"  said  Mr. 
Sparrow;  but  when  I  start,  I'll  take  you  as  what 
ever  you  may  be ;  and  that  from  your  appearance, 
may  be  Cham  of  Tartary,  or  Emperor  of  China,  or 
a  pair  of  corpulent  sugar  tongs,  or  a  nut  cracker — 
or  however  you  introduce  yourself;  for  you  have 
got  to  remember  you  haven't  introduced  yourself 
to  me,  yet." 

"There's  some  awful  mistake  here,"  said  the 
bewildered  Toker. 

"I  admit  it.    There  always  is,"  Sparrow  said. 

"You  get  right  out  of  this  room  or  I'll  kick  you 
out!"  said  Mr.  Toker,  losing  his  temper. 

"Ah !"  responded  the  keeper,  "it  seems  ordinary 
clothes  ain't  maybe  good  enough  for  you.  You're 
a  ladedah  and  you  want  one  of  my  nice  close- 


Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them  19 

fitting  jackets  on.  I  don't  blame  you  either,  as 
you'd  cut  quite  a  figure  in  it." 

"My  name."  said  Mr.  Toker,  "is  Dooselap  To- 
ker;  and  I'm  a  real  estate  agent." 

"Real  estate !"  said  Sparrow,  "I  didn't  think  you'd 
condescend  to  that.  I  thought  you'd  be  nothing 
short,  at  least,  of  a  mandarin.  You  look  like  a 
prince,  or  a  cars  of  juggernaut,  or  a  cockalorum, 
or  something  of  that  kind,  you  know.  Well,  you'll 
find  lots  of  real  estate  men  where  you're  going ;  and 
they'll  get  into  deals  with  you  big  enough  to  bank 
rupt  the  Bank  of  England  in  no  time.  So  come 
along,"  and  he  seized  Mr.  Toker  by  the  wrist  and 
bore  him,  struggling,  down  to  the  street  and  got 
on  board  of  a  north  bound  train. 

In  the  meantime  the  romantic  and  poetic  sweet 
heart  of  Mr.  Toker  had  spent  the  day  in  her  room 
in  the  third  story  opposite;  pacing  back  and  forth 
from  the  window,  alongside  of  whose  blind  she 
would  peep  out  to  the  street,  to  the  mirror,  where 
she  kept  giving  additional  touches  to  the  "bang" 
on  her  brow  as  she  waited  for  word  from  her 
chosen.  He  had  told  her,  among  other  things,  not 
to  send  a  message  to  him  until  he  had  first  sent 
one  to  her. 

"What  had  happened?"  This  was  the  question 
which,  as  she  gazed  in  the  mirror,  she  asked  of  her 
"bangs."  "Had  Mr.  Toker  and  her  papa  met?  If 
so,  had  the  meeting  resulted  in  a  duel  with  pistols, 
or  knives,  or  cobblestones,  or  worse?  Had  there 
been  a  railroad  accident?  Why,  why  did  he  not 
send  word  to  her?"  She  was  pacing  the  floor,  half 
frantic,  when  she  resolved,  notwithstanding  his  in- 


20  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

junction,  to  send  him  word.  As  was  said  before, 
he  had  told  her,  under  no  circumstances,  to  use 
any  but  an  assumed  name ;  but  had  neglected  to 
mention  the  name  by  which  she  was  to  be  desig 
nated.  She  knew,  however,  that  he  was  to  t>e  in 
room  6  of  the  hotel  opposite.  Knowing  this  she 
addressed  a  note  to  "the  gentleman  in  room  6,"  and 
sent  it  to  him.  It  was  in  the  following  words  : 

"My  Own  Own : — I  am  nearly  mad  that  I  have 
not  heard  from  you.  Oh,  my  beloved,  do  not  let  me 
remain  in  this  agony  of  mind;  but  let  me  hear 
from  you  on  the  receipt  of  this  immediately.  Your 
own  own,  VIRGINIA." 

"Oh,  bless  you,  my  child !"  said  the  lunatic,  when 
this  note  was  handed  to  him  by  a  messenger  boy, 
and  he  placed  the  palm  of  his  hand  on  the  top  of 
the  boy's  head. 

"Oh,  you  come  off!"  responded  this  native  son 
of  the  golden  west,  who  mistook  the  blessing  for  a 
piece  of  facetiousness  on  the  lunatic's  part ;  and 
as  soon  as  the  back  of  the  lunatic  was  turned,  with 
his  thumb  at  his  nose,  he  extended  his  fingers  at 
him.  Having  thus  relieved  himself  of  what,  un 
der  the  circumstances,  he  considered  to  be  a  duty, 
he  left  the  room. 

The  crazy  man  wore  a  coat  in  shape  somewhat 
like  that  generally  worn  by  ministers  of  the  gos 
pel.  Beneath  it  was  a  vest  of  the  "flashy"  style 
often  worn  by  gamblers,  and  his  muddy-yellow-col 
ored  pantaloons  were,  in  appearance,  like  those 
which  grasshoppers  should, — but  do  not  wear.  He 
had  thin  hair,  which  was  light  in  color,  and  "blue 
eyes. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  21 

After  the  note  had  been  read,  the  mad-man 
stood  on  his  head,  and  kicked  his  legs  above  him, 
a  method  peculiarly  his  own,  of  expressing  mental 
satisfaction.  After  his  mind  had  become,  by  this 
process,  thoroughly  satisfied,  he  got  down,  sat  on 
the  lounge,  and  laughed  immoderately.  He  then 
rang  the  call  bell  so  violently  that  the  handle  came 
off.  "Pen  and  ink  and  a  slice  of  bread  and  but 
ter — you  worm !"  he  said  to  the  boy  who  respond 
ed  to  the  call.  The  boy  was  even  more  astonished 
by  this  mixed  order,  and  by  the  title  of  worm, 
conferred  upon  him,  than  he  had  been  by  the  bless 
ing;  and  as  he  went  after  the  pen  and  ink  and 
bread  and  butter,  he  muttered  demi-oaths  wnich 
(like  white  lies),  as  they  are  not  of  the  dangerous 
and  corroding  kind,  may  be  called  white  curses. 
The  letter  in  reply  which  the  lunatic  wrote  and 
which  Miss  Carswallow  received,  was  in  the  words 
following: 

"My  Own,  Much  More  than  My  Own!!!!  You 
say  that  you  are  almost  mad  that  you  have  not 
heard  from  me.  Why  almost — why  not  wholly 
so???  Well,  what's  that  to  me?  I'm  as  mad  as  a 
young  sky  harrier ! ! ! !  You  say  that  you  have 
been  waiting??  What  of  it?  Don't  you  know  that 
all  things  come  to  those  who  wait? — and  so  will 
I:— oh,  won't  I???? 

I  will  have  a  closed  hack  at  the  foot  of  the  steps 
of  the  hotel,  with  the  blinds  down,  so  when  I  send  ' 
up ! !    like   a   seasaw,   you    will    come   down  ! ! — and 
join  me.     I'm  a  high  roller,  and  nothing  less,  I  am, 

Your   own   and   all   your   own 


22  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

Birds  among  the  bushes 
And  love  among  the  violets. 

He  gave  this  to  the  boy  and  told  him  to  hand 
it  to  the  lady  who  had  sent  the  note  to  him.  The 
boy  did  so,  and  when  Miss  Carswallow  opened  it, 
she  found  in  it  food  for  thought  and  reflection.  The 
madman,  on  entering  the  hack,  told  the  driver  to 
drive  out  of  town  and  back  before  crossing  the 
street,  as  he  wished  to  increase  the  circulation  of 
the  horses.  He  believed  that  a  very  rapid  drive 
would  either  kill  them  or  increase  it.  In  the  mean 
time  he  would  increase  his  own  circulation  while 
pretending  that  he  was  a  monkey  on  a  spring 
board,  by  turning  handsprings  inside  of  his  hack.  He 
wished  fast  horses,  and  it  was  his  desire  to  test 
them  before  he  took  the  lady  into  the  hack. 

The  driver,  while  wondering  where  he  could  have 
gotten  the  liquor,  which  he  believed  to  be  affecting 
his  circulation  more  than  anything  else,  smiled  from 
ear  to  ear  and  from  chin  to  topknot  and  obeyed  di 
rections.  In  the  meantime,  while  Miss  Carswallow 
tried, — and  yet  with  but  slight  success — to  compre 
hend  the  note  which  she  had  received,  the  train 
carrying  Mr.  Toker  from  town  had  hardly  started, 
when  some  friends  coming  into  the  car,  the  man 
in  charge  of  Mr.  Toker  learned  that  a  mistake  had 
been  made,  for  which  he  gave  utterance  to  many 
apologies.  So  the  keeper,  in  a  penitent  mood,  got 
off  with  Mr.  Toker,  who  was  in  a  grouty  one,  at 
the  next  station.  From  this  station,  which  was  a 
mile  from  town,  they  walked  back  along  the  track. 

As  they  reached  the  town  station  another  train 
was  arriving,  and  a  portly  gentleman,  recognized 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  23 

at  once  by  Mr.  Toker  as  the  father  of  his  betrothed, 
stepped  from  the  cars.  Their  eyes  met;  and  the 
stern  parent,  with  an  angry  brow  and  apparently 
with  murder  in  his  heart,  rushed  at  Mr.  Toker. 

"Is  that  him, —  the  lunatic?"  asked  Mr.  Swallow. 
Mr.  Toker,  seeing  no  other  way  of  protecting  him 
self,  replied  that  it  was.  The  keeper  advanced  and 
before  the  enraged  gentleman  was  close  enough  to 
put  an  end  to  the  persistence  of  his  wouldbe  son- 
in-law,  the  keeper  made  a  motion  which  caused 
Mr.  Carswallow  to  throw  down  his  hands  to  pro 
tect  his  stomach  from  the  blow  which  seemed  to 
have  been  aimed  at  it,  and  before  he  was  aware  of 
it  handcuffs  were  upon  him. 

Mr.  Toker  then  went  to  the  hotel  in  which  his 
sweetheart  was  to  be  found.  The  length  of  his 
unaccountable  absence  made  his  appearance  doubly 
welcome,  and  she  fell  into  his  arms. 

"My  adored !"  cried  she. 

"My  beloved !"  was  his  response. 

The  silence  rang  in  their  ears  forty  seconds, 
when  Mr.  Toker,  who  knew  that  his  intended 
father-in-law  was  rich,  and  remembered  his  max 
im  applicable  to  such  cases,  that  "time  is  money," 
told  his  sweetheart  to  put  on  her  hat;  in  his  ex 
citement  by  way  of  assistance  patted  It  down  over 
her  right  eye;  and  then  took  her  to  the  house  of 
the  nearest  minister,  where  they  were  married. 
They  then  hired  a  carriage  and  were  driven  to  a 
distant  railway  station  and  started  upon  a  honey 
moon  which  was  not  to  terminate  until  they  had  con 
cealed  themselves  in  a  small  and  obscure  town 
in  Rhode  Island. 


24  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

Forgetting  the  engagement  which  he  had  made 
with  Miss  Carswallow,  the  lunatic  spent  the  night 
in  keeping  up  his  circulation  by  giving  utterance 
to  wild  and  sensational  shrieks  from  his  hack  win 
dow,  as  he  was  driven  about  the  outskirts  of  the 
town. 

Mr.  Carswallow  was  released  from  the  asylum 
in  a  few  days,  vowing,  as  they  released  him,  that 
if  he  were  the  father  of  400  daughters,  he  would 
starve  himself,  if  necessary,  to  raise  money,  with 
which  to  turn  each  one,  in  succession,  into  an  as- 
sitsed  emigrant.  He  was  unrelenting  in  his  refu 
sal  to  see  his  daughter,  until  an  aunt  of  Mr.  To- 
ker's,— who  was  deaf,  and  tired  of  the  society  of 
people  who  had  always  to  be  urged  in  order  to  get 
them  to  speak  loud  enough  to  reach  the  standard 
which  she  had  fixed  upon — flew  into  a  passion  one 
day  on  that  account,  and  departed  post  haste  from 
the  world  through  the  instrumentality  of  carbolic 
acid.  This  resulted  in  making  Mr.  Toker  the 
proud  proprietor  of  $250,000.  When  he  offered 
to  place  this  money  in  a  partnership  concern,  of 
which  he  and  his  father-in-law  were  to  constitute 
the  members,  the  father-in-law  condescended  to  be 
proud  of  him,  and  as  friendly  as  he  was  proud. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  25 

An  Ancient  Mariner,  Apparently 

Much   Married,  Who  Will 

Be  Seen  at  the  Fair 

There  dwelt  at  one  time,  in  Sonora,  Tuolumne 
County,  Cal.,  a  couple,  who,  even  in  this  world 
where  everybody  is  noticeably  queer,  were  queer 
to  a  remarkable  degree.  The  two  were  brother 
and  sister.  The  brother  had  been  a  seaman  on 
an  American  man-of-war;  and  in  a  naval  engage 
ment  he  had  gained  much  glory  and  lost  a  leg. 
The  loss  of  this  leg  made  him  melancholy  and 
fond  of  grog,  but  at  the  same  time  it  brought 
him  a  pension  which  paid  for  the  luxuries  of  life; 
and  for  the  mere  necessaries  he  depended  on  cred 
it.  Upon  going  to  the  mining  town  he  had  erect 
ed  on  its  outskirts  upon  the  side  of  a  gulch,  be 
neath  tall  Madrona  trees,  a  house,  in  so  far  re 
sembling  a  man-of-war  in  outward  appearance  as 
it  was  possible  for  a  house,  so  high  above  the  sea, 
surrounded  by  chapparal  and  jack-rabbits,  and 
hundreds  of  miles  from  the  ocean's  salt  water, 
to  resemble  a  one,  a  two,  or  a  three-decker. 
This  house  had  been  paid  for  with  prize  money 
which  came  to  him  after  the  prize  had  ceased 
to  be  one.  Over  the  door  he  placed  in  gilt  let 
ters  the  name  of  this  nautical  establishment,  call 
ing  it, — perhaps  after  the  heroine  of  one  of  those 
romantic,  love-at-first-sight  affairs,  which  suscep- 


26  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

tible  sailors  have  when  in  port,  lasting  for  days 
or  weeks,  or  until  the  command  to  heave  anchor 
breaks  love's  fetters, — the  "Mary  Jane  of  Bos 
ton." 

As  soon  as  the  name  appeared  and  in  the  morn 
ing  sunlight,  dazzled  their  eyes,  the  miners  gave 
him  a  title  as  well.  Up  to  that  time  he  had  been 
simply  "Mr.  Crust."  He  was  now  made  "Captain" 
Crust.  For  having  a  house  which  was  as  much 
like  a  ship  as  it  was  possible  for  anything  with  a 
pine  door  and  shingled  roof  to  be — unless  Noah's 
ark  is  to  be  taken  into  consideration — it  was  nec 
essary  for  the  house  to  have  a  commander;  and 
who  was  better  fitted  to  be  her  captain  than  the  only 
man  in  town  familiar  with  the  ways  of  the  sea — 
her  owner?  It  certainly  needed  a  seafaring  man 
at  her  helm ;  for  the  mere  sight  of  her  black  out 
side  and  her  windows  high  upon  her  side  and  in 
a  row,  was  enough  to  make  a  landsman  "seasick." 
Capt.  Crust  next  fitted  up  the  inside  of  the 
Mary  Jane  himself — in  fact,  nobody  else  in  So- 
nora  could  have  done  it.  He  calked  the  floor,  filled 
the  seams  with  tar  to  keep  the  water  out  and  the 
cracks  in  the  walls  with  oakum.  He  wished  for 
something  which  would  not  founder  in  a  storm, 
when  even  the  cook  was  aloft  and  no  hands  could 
be  spared  to  man  the  pumps. 

He  spent  four  days  thereafter  in  unravelling 
ropes,  and  next  in  plaiting  them  together.  After 
that  he  made  a  bedstead  without  legs,  which  hung 
like  a  hammock  by  four  ropes  from  the  ceiling. 
He  then  arranged  a  network  of  pulleys  and  ropes 
by  which,  when  in  bed  he  could  swing  it  to  any 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  27 

part  of  the  room  without  getting  out  of  it;  a 
great  convenience  he  said,  and  a  ship-shape  con 
trivance  for  those  frosty  winter  mornings,  when 
ice  might  be  alow  and  aloft,  and  a  man,  if  he 
got  out  of  bed,  had  to  scud  along  under  bare  poles ; 
and  the  sheet  of  your  shirt  paid  out  and  gone ;  and 
everything,  because  of  the  gale,  in  strips  and  rags. 

For  example,  to  avoid  cruising  about  in  dis 
tress,  you  could,  by  pulling  on  a  certain  hawser, 
heave  up  alongside  of  the  stove,  make  fast  to  a 
cleat  on  the  wall,  and  light  the  fire  from  the  bed; 
or,  by  heaving  away  with  a  will  at  another  haw 
ser,  you  could  work  out  into  the  stream  and  drop 
anchor  by  the  cupboard ;  and  thus  obtain,  at  any 
time  of  the  day  or  night,  a  cold  meal  and  glass  of 
grog,  without  rising  from  bed. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that,  while  the  miners  sur 
veyed  these  arrangements  on  the  inside  of  the 
"Mary  Jane  of  Boston"  with  open  eyed  wonder 
and  some  of  them,  the  contrivance  for  obtaining  the 
grog  with  envy  as  well  as  admiration,  Capt.  Crust 
himself  surveyed  them  with  what  more  closely  re 
sembled  unbounded  pride. 

"Land  lubbers,"  he  observed,  "know  nothing, 
and  never  did  know  nothing  about  the  conven 
iences  of  life.  A  man  has  got  to  have  a  knowl 
edge  of  them  thumped  into  him  with  a  well-tarred 
rope's  end  aboard  a  man-'o-war;  and  when  he  gets 
ashore  then  he  generally  knows  something  about 
conveniences." 

Capt.  Crust,  after  losing  his  leg,  became  religious 
— almost  as  religious  as  he  was  superstitious.  So 
one  of  the  places  to  which  he  hauled  himself  daily 


28  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

while  in  his  bed  with  his  ropes  and  pulleys,  was 
a  shelf,  on  which  he  kept  a  Bible.  This  he  read 
daily;  and  he  had  a  method,  peculiarly  his  own, 
of  interpreting  some  of  its  passages,  which  would 
have  raised  a  commotion  in  a  church  convention. 
Having  found  it  impossible  to  drop  a  few  nautical 
expressions  of  an  emphatic  kind  from  his  discourse, 
altogether,  he  had  discovered  passages,  for  exam 
ple,  in  the  shape  of  parables  and  allegories,  excus 
ing  sailors  from  punishment  for  the  offence.  He 
could  show,  also,  that  the  Bible  was  in  favor  of 
sailors  working  on  Sunday ;  and  was  in  favor  of 
that  day  as  a  day  of  labor  for  mariners ;  and  he 
said  that  he  had  seen  it  pronounced  somewhere 
in  the  Bible  to  be  their  lucky  day,  but  had  for 
gotten  exactly  where. 

He  became  the  favorite  of  the  small  boys,  who 
were  taught  by  him  to  tie  the  great  sailors'  knot, 
the  "bow-line";  a  knot,  as  he  told  them,  of  such 
wonderful  characteristics  that  it  was  to  be  men 
tioned  only  with  reverence,  and  never  in  the  same 
category  with  the  untrustworthy  and  dangerous 
knots  which  land-lubbers  tied.  He  taught  them 
how  to  make  ships  on  their  ringers  and  thumbs, 
with  twine;  he  made  for  them  wooden  ships  which 
floated  on  wooden  seas  painted  an  intense  green ; 
or  made  halves  of  ships  which  were  fastened  to 
the  sides  of  painted  boards  and  had  white  sails  of 
wood  and  rigging  made  of  spool  thread.  Besides 
this  he  told  them  true  stories  about  which  they 
asked  him  many  questions  which  he  found  it  diffi 
cult  to  answer.  These  stories  were  about  sea  ser 
pents,  and  different,  of  course,  from  the  untrue 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  29 

stories   that   land-lubbers    tell   to   a   long   suffering 
public. 

He  was  stout,  round  faced,  red-faced,  side  whis 
kered,  hairy,  tattooed  and  good  natured.  He  was 
methodical  to  the  last  degree.  At  "eight  bells"  he 
hove  alongside  the  stove,  and  lighted  the  fire. 
When  "one  bell"  marked  the  passage  of  another 
half-hour,  he  placed  the  coffee  on  his  rough  table; 
hauled  his  knife  out  of  his  leather  case,  cut  the 
bread  and  ate  his  breakfast.  At  eight  bells  again 
(at  noon)  he  took  the  frying  beefsteak  sizzling 
from  the  stove,  placed  it  on  the  table,  sat  down 
surrounded  by  the  smoke  that  filled  the  hold  of 
the  "Mary  Jane,"  and  ate  his  dinner.  When  "four 
bells"  came  around,  for  supper  he  had  tea  and 
"hard  tack."  As  Friday,  as  even  land  lubbers  are 
aware,  is  an  unlucky  day,  on  that  day  he  did  noth 
ing;  but  on  Sunday,  the  lucky  day;  the  day  of 
all  others  on  which  sailors  prefer  to  go  to  sea;  the 
day  on  which  they  prefer  to  work,  he  did  his 
week's  washing  at  the  edge  of  the  creek. 

At  "two  bells"  in  the  forenoon  of  Monday  of 
each  week  he  started  out  on  a  cruise.  These 
cruises  lasted  generally  three  days,  and  the  port 
at  which  the  cruise  would  terminate  was  always 
indefinite  and  uncertain.  The  cargo  which  he 
carried  being  invariably  spirits,  his  helm  often  got 
out  of  order  and  some  other  craft  had  to  take  him 
in  tow.  Noticing  his  signs  of  distress  the  Con 
stable  often  put  out  of  port  after  him,  and  acting 
the  part  of  a  tug,  towed  him  into  a  room  back 
of  the  Justice's  Court. 


30  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

These  cruises  continued  to  be  periodical  until 
the  arrival  of  his  sister,  Miss  Crust. 

Miss  Crust  was  a  maiden  lady  of  44,  with  man 
ners  much  like  those  of  a  policeman  on  duty.  Like 
some  of  them  she  seldom  smiled.  She  looked  like 
a  person  intended  originally  for  a  grenadier;  but 
turned,  by  accident,  by  one  of  nature's  apprentices 
into  a  maiden  lady,  whose  disposition  unconscious 
ly  to  herself,  was  soured  always  afterwards  be 
cause  of  the  mistake. 

She  moved  about  as  if  her  framework  was  of 
iron  instead  of  bone,  and  kept  well  oiled ;  her 
gray  dress  was  loose  and  flowing,  and  the  straw 
bonnet,  the  strings  of  which  she  kept  tied  always 
in  a  hard  knot  beneath  her  iron  jaw,  for  some  rea 
son  had  a  terrifying  effect  on  the  ordinary  man. 
She  looked  as  if  she  might  turn  out,  like  the  fa 
mous  grandmother  of  Red  Ridinghood  to  be,  in 
stead  of  the  ordinary  amiable  grandmother,  a  be 
ing  capable  of  eating  the  person  who  came  too 
close  to  her.  The  reader  will  now  easily  under 
stand  why,  instead  of  seeking  for  variety  in  the 
way  of  amusement  by  cruises  to  distant  ports  as  of 
yore,  Capt.  Crust,  after  her  arrival,  confined  him 
self  to  such  innocent  recreation  as  could  be  ob 
tained  by  hauling  himself  about  by  his  ropes  and 
pulleys,  in  his  hanging  bed. 

The  time  came  at  last,  however,  when  this 
amusement  became  so  dreadfully  monotonous  that, 
upon  the  mysterious  plea  of  "business" — business 
which  his  command  of  language  seemed  insuffi 
cient  to  explain — he  would  make  half-yearly  cruises 
to  the  distant  port  of  San  Francisco.  It  took  him, 


Within  the  Fair,-— Find  Them  31 

as  a  rule,  three  weeks, — unless  the  weather  was 
severe,  when  it  might  be  longer, — to  go  there  and 
back.  It  was  customary  for  him  to  start  out  with 
money  in  the  locker,  but  he  came  home,  gener 
ally,  with  debts,  for  which  he  had  given  pledges 
to  "land  sharks" — pledges  which  his  sister,  who 
had  a  larger  income  than  he,  thought  it  best  to 
redeem.  As  long  as  these  voyages  continued,  half 
a  year  apart  she  seemed  not  dissatisfied. 

One  of  these  cruises  terminated,  however,  with 
a  seeming  misfortune.  When  he  came  home  it  was 
observed  that  he  had  taken  a  "weaker  vessel"  in 
tow.  Matrimony  in  San  Francisco  had  made  him 
the  head  of  a  family  of  his  own.  During  his  stay 
in  that  city  he  had  kept  himself  stimulated;  and 
with  no  apparent  reason  for  doing  so,  he  had  per 
sistently  announced  himself  to  each  person  that 
he  met  to  be  a  mine  owner  and  a  capitalist  from 
Sonora.  The  result  of  this  was  that  he  found  him 
self  one  morning — he  hardly  knew  why, — both  so 
ber  and  married ;  and  believing  that  the  best  place 
for  a  married  man  was  at  home,  and  aboard  ship, 
in  the  bosom  of  his  family,  he  started  at  once,  with 
his  wife,  for  the  "Mary  Jane  of  Boston";  for  in 
stinctively  he  felt  that  home  can  do  for  an  alarmed, 
disturbed  and  unsettled  mind  what  nothing  else 
can. 

His  wife  was  a  respectable,  but  hardly  a  refined 
widow  lady,  who  kept  a  sailor's  boarding  house; 
and  upon  first  making  his  acquaintance,  she  was 
about  to  have  him  shipped  on  a  voyage  to  the 
North  Pole  or  near  it,  while  he  was  "half  seas 
over";  but  when  he  announced  himself,  as  usual, 


32  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

to  be  a  mine  owner  and  capitalist,  she  put  him  in 
a  hack,  drove  with  him  to  a  church  and  married 
him  forthwith.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  a  widow 
who  could  handle  even  Jack  Tars  with  this  degree 
of  ease  was  one  possessing  a  will  of  her  own  in 
a  high  state  of  development,  and  it  is  as  needless 
to  say  that  if,  upon  meeting,  Miss  Crust  and  Mrs. 
Crust  should  happen  to  form  unfavorable  opinions 
of  each  other  the  spectators  would  "see  sparks  fly," 
and  perhaps  fly  themselves ;  for  it  would  be  a  case 
in  which  hammer  would  come  into  contact  with 
anvil. 

As  Mrs.  Crust  disdained  to  ride  upon  the  in 
side  of  the  coach  while  on  their  journey  to  So- 
nora,  she  and  the  captain  sat,  as  was  most  appro 
priate  for  a  captain  and  a  captain's  wife,  on  the 
"  deck  "  of  the  coach.  Two  Wells,  Fargo  &  Co.'s 
messengers,  with  sawed  off  and  cocked  shotguns 
sat  beside  them  to  protect  the  gold  which  the  stage 
carried  from  the  highwaymen,  but  as  Mrs.  Crust 
was  not  at  all  nervous,  such  a  trifle  as  being  shot 
at  from  out  of  the  brush,  or  from  behind  a  rock, 
did  not  at  all  disturb  her.  She  was  a  sort  of  a  fa 
talist,  anyhow,  and  if  a  highwayman  fired  buckshot 
at  her,  why  he  fired  buckshot  at  her,  that  was  all ; 
and  if  she  was  not  alive  afterwards  she  would  be 
dead ;  and  if  she  was  not  dead,  she  would  be  alive ; 
which,  to  her  mind,  was  the  whole  matter  in  a  nut 
shell. 

During  the  last  twenty  miles  she  kept  asking 
the  captain  if  they  were  near  his  mine  yet,  but  hav 
ing  a  poor  phrenological  bump  for  localities  his 
replies  upon  the  subject  were  of  the  vaguest  char- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  33 

acter.  Besides,  in  his  mind,  he  was  intently  con 
sidering  the  question  of  how  to  bring  about  a  meet 
ing  between  Miss  Crust  and  Mrs.  Crust,  and  he 
was  in  great  dread  of  the  possible  last  "chapter 
of  accidents"  ensuing  upon  the  meeting. 

Alighting  with  her  from  the  stage  when  the 
driver,  leaning  back,  drew  up  by  the  post  office, 
she  took  him  by  the  arm  and  escorted  him  to  his 
home,  directing  him  to  point  out  the  way.  When 
his  sister,  who  was  standing  at  the  door  of  the 
"Mary  Jane,"  saw  her  leading  him  like  a  culprit 
towards  the  house  she  marvelled  much,  and  won 
dered  what  could  have  been  his  offense.  Stopping 
at  the  steps,  the  lady  explained  the  fact  that  she 
was  Mrs.  Captain  Crust.  The  captain  stood  be 
hind  and  was  ready  to  stump  off  towards  the 
hills  as  soon  as  the  battle  commenced.  The  two 
stern  faces  looked  unflinchingly  at  one  another. 
"It's  coming  now!"  thought  the  Captain,  as  he 
saw  them  drawing  gradually  closer  together.  "It's 
come!"  shouted  he,  when  they  fell  into  each  oth 
ers  arms. 

"Sister!"  one  cried. 

"Sister!"  the  other  responded. 

The  report  of  a  grenadier  kiss  after  that  fol 
lowed,  and  then  they  wept. 

This  was  too  much  for  the  mind  of  a  seaman. 
For  the  time  being  the  captain  lost  the  godlike 
quality  of  reason;  became  dazed,  and  instead  of 
stumping  off  to  the  hills  he  stumped  down  the 
road  to  town  and  went  on  another  cruise.  He 
was  beginning  to  get  well  under  way,  with  all 
sails  set,  as  it  were,  when  the  two  ladies  hove  in 


34  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

sight,  and  each  taking  an  arm  without  asking  for 
the  privilege,  they  took  him  back  and  aboard  of 
the  "Mary  Jane." 

It  was  his  last  cruise.  Man-of-war  discipline  in 
its  most  rigid  form  now  set  in  aboard  the  "Mary 
Jane."  The  two  ladies,  who  had  taken  a  great 
fancy  to  each  other,  were  like  a  couple  of  wives 
to  him.  In  a  masculine  sort  of  way,  they  hen 
pecked  him  into  the  condition  of  mind  of  a  mere 
land  lubber;  and  so  thoroughly  did  they  subdue 
him  that  the  mere  though  of  going  on  another 
cruise  brought  beads  of  perspiration  out  upon  his 
brow. 


Within  the  Fair,— -Find  Them  35 


The  Los  Angeles  County  Poet  (Said  to  Be 
About  to  Start  a  New  Cult  at  Long 

Beach),  Who  Will  Be  at  the  Fair 

\ 

In  California  is  a  county.  In  that  county  is  a 
town.  In  the  town  is  a  white  house.  In  this 
house  are  two  people.  These  are  the  people  with 
whom  the  critical  reader  shall  play  as  does  a 
cat  with  a  mouse;  with  whom  the  good-natured 
shall  form  a  friendship ;  over  whom  the  thoroughly 
sentimental  reader  shall  be  permitted, — if  he 
shall  so  prefer,  to  weep. 

The  blinds  of  the  white  house  were  even  as 
green  as  jealousy  is  supposed  to  be;  as  green  as  a 
philosopher  can  be  in  regard  to  affairs  of  the 
world;  as  green  as  are  the  blinds  sometimes  on  a 
doll's  house. 

A  veranda  was  in  front  of  the  house,  and  on 
this  veranda  had  been  placed  two  red  rocking 
chairs.  Through  the  center  of  the  house  ran  a  hall 
way,  upon  which  was  oil  cloth  having  on  it  octag 
onal-shaped  figures.  A  door-way  on  the  right  of 
the  hall  opened  into  a  parlor,  and  over  the 
door,  worked  in  worsted,  was  the  motto,  "God 
bless  our  home."  Above  a  door  on  the  opposite 
side  of  the  hall  rested  a  human  skull.  Though  the 
skull  was  empty,  the  feeblest  comprehension  would 
at  once  recognize  the  fact  that  it  was  not  there 
to  convey  the  impression  that  those  who  passed  be 
neath  it  were  brainless.  As  this  is  clear,  and  as 


36  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

the  door  beneath  it  opened  into  a  library,  it  must 
have  had  some  significance ;  but  exactly  what  that 
significance  was  it  would  perhaps  take  the  pens 
of  at  least  four  long-haired  Samsons,  all  writing 
at  once,  to  say. 

In  the  parlor  —  a  parlor  which  was  rarely  en 
tered  by  any  one  but  Miss  Tibletts,  a  maiden  lady 
of  thirty-nine — was  the  usual  family  album,  having 
in  it,  as  usual,  what  seemed  a  rogue's  gallery ;  the 
usual  center  table,  the  portraits  of  half  a  dozen 
dead  ancestors,  whose  eyes  were  in  the  habit  of 
following  you  wherever  you  moved  with  a  look  of 
anxious  suspicion ;  a  piece  of  coral  in  the  corner ; 
a  piano,  which  was  never  opened;  and  the  general 
darkness,  produced  by  keeping  the  blinds  closed 
from  one  year's  end  to  another. 

In  the  study  were  about  two  hundred  of  those 
richly  bound  books  which  publishers  publish  as 
furniture — books  which  are  readily  sold  for  that 
purpose  in  spite  of  their  contents — those  plaster 
casts  of  Dickens,  Byron  and  Shakespeare,  which 
are  so  generally  appreciated  because  of  their  cheap 
ness  ;  a  mahogany  chair,  with  a  brown  leather 
seat  and  back,  and  a  mahogany  table,  with  a  red 
cloth  top. 

In  the  parlor  everything  was  in  perennial  order; 
in  the  study  it  was  evident  that  perennial  disorder 
had  been  studied.  Letters  and  papers  had  been 
purposely  scattered  upon  the  floor.  The  gentleman 
whose  study  it  was  displayed  his  reason  for  this 
in  his  Samson-like  locks ;  and  often,  as  he  was  a 
child  of  genius,  he  wiped  his  literary  nose — but 
this  time  by  accident — with  his  pen.  The  reputa- 


Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them  37 

tion  of  his  collar  was  as  often  stained  by  his  ink. 
This  child  of  pentameters  iambic  and  trochaic  feet 
was  Mr.  Tibletts.  Mr.  Tibletts  was  a  bachelor  of 
forty. 

The  lady,  being  a  woman  of  ideas  of  her  own 
which  had  been  imported  from  abroad,  pronounced 
marriage  to  be  a  woeful  and  even  a  ludicrous  fail 
ure.  Her  brother,  who  was  a  very  dogmatic  child 
of  song,  went  even  further,  and  said  that  the  men 
who  were  married  were  fools  and  the  women 
worse.  Recognizing  the  fact  that  reason  is  but 
the  offspring  of  sentiment,  this  is  easily  explained. 
This  gentleman's  logic  was  but  the  result  of  his 
experiences.  A  lady  had  for  five  years  expended 
her  energies  in  the  attempt  to  make  him  propose 
marriage ;  for  she  had  the  folly  to  think  that  a  poet 
was  worth  having.  Although  Mr.  Tibletts  had 
inclination  enough — even  more  than  enough — to 
propose,  his  courage,  notwithstanding  his  locks 
was  of  the  poorest  known  quality.  The  lady  at  last, 
with  a  sigh,  gave  him  up.  He  saw  it,  was  angered ; 
hated  the  other  sex  as  bitterly  as  if  he  had  been 
a  passionate,  instead  of  a  compassionate  female  nov 
elist;  and  in  imagination — forgetting  those  grand 
qualities,  of  which  the  world  is  unworthy — saw  in 
women  but  the  unnatural  monstrosities,  which  the 
uncurried  female  essayist  and  novelist  has  por 
trayed;  and  told  his  friends  that  our  better  halves 
(if  we  are  so  fortunate  as  to  have  any),  are  without 
the  valvular  appendages  so  necessary  to  woman's 
gay  existence. 

The  sister,  because  of  a  similar  experience,  had 
come  to  the  same  conclusion — and  rightly,  in  re- 


38  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

gard  to  men.  She  no  longer  saw  in  them  Greek 
gods,  who  were  six  bottle  men,  were  wrecks  at 
thirty,  and  blew  their  lack  of  brains  out  at  forty. 
Neither  of  them  went  into  society,  the  companion 
ship  of  the  lady,  outside  of  her  brother,  being  con 
fined  exclusively  to  the  memory  of  the  deceiver  who 
had  furnished  her  with  her  idea  of  mankind.  She 
sat  often  for  hours  in  the  dark  parlor,  with  her 
hands  crossed  and  with  his  memory  as  her  sole 
companion.  Apparently  with  the  idea  that  it  might 
make  this  memory  ashamed  of  itself,  she  was  in 
variably  dressed,  on  these  occasions,  in  the  same 
clothes  which  she  had  worn  when  she  and  the 
cruel  one  had  parted. 

The  brother  spent  half  of  his  time  on  the  veran 
da,  creating  for  himself  characters  suited  to  be 
the  associates  of  a  man  who  believed  women  to 
be  heartless — the  fiends  of  feminine  fiction,  its 
monstrous  devils ;  the  worst  yet  conjured  forth 
from  the  depths  of  ink.  The  rest  of  his  time  he 
spent  in  giving  to  these  blue  devils  a  local  habita 
tion  in  verse ;  for,  as  has  been  seen  by  his  hair, 
he  was  a  bard. 

These  wounded  hearts  were  sitting  one  day 
on  the  veranda  in  the  red  chairs  when  the  lady, 
calling  her  brother  by  his  surname,  as  was  her 
custom,  said:  "Tibletts,  if  it  were  not  for  the  fact 
that  men  are  becoming  so  insipid,  I'd  like  you  to 
take  me  to  the  seaside  for  a  week." 

If  boulders  had  commenced  suddenly  to  grow 
upon  the  branches  of  a  tree  spreading  above  mm, 
and,  becoming  ripe,  had  fallen  into  his  lap,  Mr. 
Tibletts  might  have  been  less  surprised.  As  it 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  39 

was,  he  tried  to  find  a  word  which  would  properly 
express  his  astonishment,  but  finding  none  in  his 
own  tongue,  which  came  up  to  the  requirements 
of  the  occasion,  he  gave  utterance  merely  to  what 
appeared  to  be  a  Chinook  gutteral  sound,  which, 
like  other  Chinook  words,  may  or  may  not  have 
been  to  the  purpose. 

The  first  objection  to  the  trip  occurring  to  him 
he  expressed  by  saying: 

"You  speak  of  men.  I'd  have  to  talk  to  females 
bathing  in  the  surf,  with  water  on  the  brain.  Noth 
ing  but  'sheep's  eyes'  at  me;  waltzers  hopping  at 
me;  pianos,  on  my  account,  turning  the  air  into 
slivers  of  sound ;  match-making  mothers  chasing  me 
into  a  corner,  like  a  yelping  hound;  fathers  and 
brothers  calling  on  me,  and  coming  to  ask  my  in 
tentions  simply  because  I've  got  none  and  don't 
propose  to  propose.  Oh,  no,  Poll,"  said  he,  call 
ing  his  sister  by  a  pet  nickname  which  one  of  his 
ideas  of  the  other  sex  suggested.  Just  let  well 
enough  alone.  With  my  slippers  and  dressing 
gown  I'm  comfortable.  They  won't  raise  a  row.  s 
With  a  wife  in  charge  of  them — and  me  too — she 
might  create  one." 

If  the  brother  had  only  possessed  that  wisdom 
which  a  poet  is  supposed  to  possess,  on  account  of 
the  child-like  simplicity  which  is  attributed  to  a 
prophet  and  seer  and  genius,  he  would  have  at 
once  agreed  to  go.  She  would  then  have  turned 
upon  him  with  a  sufficient  number  of  objections 
to  have  satisfied  a  married  man.  She  would  have 
added  to  these  the  strongest  of  reasons — unreason 
ing  persistence;  that  form  of  logic  so  commonly 


40  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

adopted  by  the  keener  mind  of  woman  because 
\  she  knows  of  its  influence  on  the  male  mind,  which 
is  largely  fond  of  repose. 

"Men,"  said  the  lady  meditatively,  but  with  an 
air  of  conviction,  "are  brutes." 

"Poll,"  said  her  brother,  "you've  struck  the  key 
note  of  woman's  opinion  of  man,  if  we  judge  by 
their  conduct  towards  them.  Did  you  ever  notice," 
he  continued,  "what  three  men  on  a  sidewalk  will 
do  if  a  woman  is  encountered?  They  will  form  in 
line  and  stand  pigeon-toed,  one  behind  the  other, 
like  Indians,  and  allow  her  to  pass.  What  will 
three  women  do  if  a  brute  is  encountered?  Mis 
take  him  for  his  shadow,  apparently,  as,  like  three 
automatons  walking  abreast,  they  move  over  the 
spot  where  his  substance  has  been,  without  even 
casting  back  a  glance  of  compassion,  as  he  scrapes 
from  his  shoes  the  mud,  into  which  he  stepped 
ankle  deep,  as  they  passed." 

By  9  o'clock  the  next  day  the  trunk  of  Mr.  Tib- 
letts  was  packed  and  had  been  locked.  By  4 
o'clock  in  the  afternoon  his  sister,  who  had  got 
ten  four  hundred  pounds  of  material  packed  into 
her  own  trunk,  by  some  occult  process,  compre 
hended  by  women  only,  and  far  beyond  the  fee 
bler  powers  of  conception  of  great,  big  stupid 
man,  proceeded  to  open  his  trunk ; — or,  rather,  she 
made  him  open  it,  after  which  she  spoiled  his  most 
cherished  arrangements,  and  then,  by  mingling  his 
clothes  with  trinkets,  bonnets  and  corsets  of  her 
own,  she  managed  to  get  three  hundred  pounds 
of  compressed  lead  into  his  trunk.  The  purse,  con 
taining  nearly  all  of  his  money,  which  he  had 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  41 

placed  at  the  top  of  everything,  inside  of  his  trunk, 
she  placed  where  robbers  would  not  find  it,  at  the 
bottom.  Mr.  Tibletts  who,  being  absent-minded, 
like  most  men  of  genius,  had  a  mind  which  was 
usually  absent  when  he  needed  it,  remembered 
only  that  he  had  placed  the  money  where  it  could 
easily  be  found  when  he  wished  for  it ;  but  notwith 
standing  this  recollection,  found  it  a  difficult  un 
dertaking  to  find  it.  His  sister's  mind  being  given 
up,  at  the  time  of  packing  the  trunk,  to  more  im 
portant  considerations  as  to  what  she  would  wear, 
the  mere  episode  of  concealing  her  brother's  purse 
was  forgotten.  When  he  referred  to  the  subject  she 
said  that  if  he  would  search  long  enough  he  would 
doubtless  find  it  is  one  of  his  pockets.  He  had  the 
pleasure  of  learning,  besides,  that  this  forgetfulness 
on  his  part  was  but  one  of  many  things  of  late 
which  were  convincing  her  that  he  was  subject  to 
intermittent  fits  of  feeble-mindedness,  that  in  time 
might  and  doubtless  would  become  chronic.  She 
hoped  the  sea  air  would  improve  him. 

Being  disturbed  in  mind  by  this  remark,  as  it 
corroborated  some  vague  suspicions  which  had 
come  to  his  own  mind  of  late,  it  is  not  to  be  won 
dered  at  that  he  went  down  town  in  what  may  be 
called  a  day  dream,  and  that  upon  awakening  from 
his  dream  he  found  himself  in  the  baker's  shop,  next 
door  to  the  ticket  office,  purchasing  bread  tickets 
with  which  to  convey  himself  and  his  sister  to  the 
seaside.  Discovering  his  mistake  he  was  even  more 
confused  to  learn  that  it  was  from  a  young  woman 
that  he  had  attempted  to  purchase  them,  and  that, 
upon  noticing  his  embarrassment,  the  young  woman 


42  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

showed  her  unsympathetic  pleasure  by  a  smile 
which  might  have  acted  as  a  connecting  link  be 
tween  the  tips  of  her  ears. 

Rushing  from  the  baker's  shop  Mr.  Tibletts  has 
tened  into  the  ticket  office,  and  in  his  haste  threw 
a  copper  cent  on  the  counter,  supposing  it  to  be  a 
$5  piece,  and  demanded  tickets.  The  clerk,  while 
gradually  expanding,  told  him  that  that  game 
could  not  be  played  there,  certainly  not  upon  him. 
Mr.  Tibletts  looked  down,  saw  his  copper  coin  and, 
realizing  the  clerk's  suspicions,  for  a  time  lost  the 
power  of  speech.  Upon  regaining  his  voice  he  as 
sured  the  clerk,  etc.,  but  the  clerk  showed,  never 
theless,  by  his  unbending  demeanor  that  he  was  a 
doubting  Thomas ;  that  he  was  a  man  who,  after 
forming  first  impressions,  clings  to  them. 

After  making  a  few  more  mistakes  Mr.  Tibletts 
and  his  sister  succeeded  in  getting  started  on  their 
journey.  As  Mr.  Tibletts  was  in  such  a  frame  of 
mind  that  he  saw  nothing  along  the  road,  all  real 
things  being  obliterated,  and  space  left  to  be  in 
habited  by  his  gloomy  views  only,  we  will  remark 
simply  that  they  arrived  safely  and  on  time  at  one 
of  the  seaside  hotels. 

The  beach  was  crowded  each  day  by  bathers,  by 
people  walking,  by  children  dashing  about  in  carts 
drawn  by  donkeys,  by  donkeys  dashing  about  in 
carts  drawn  by  horses,  and  by  people  riding  se 
dately  in  glittering  carriages  drawn  by  horses 
which  grew  restive  at  the  sight  of  the  waves,  or 
more  speedily  moving  about  in  their  automobiles 
There  was  heard  the  everlasting  sighing  and  dieaway 
sound  which  pervades  the  salt  air,  the  lazy  rising 


Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them  43 

and  falling  of  the  swells  on  the  distant  sea ;  the 
curve,  the  fall,  the  roar,  the  rush  of  tne  white 
bounding  waves  up  the  beach.  The  afternoon 
breeze  came  always  punctually;  people  promen 
aded  on  the  porches;  peddlers  urged  on  their  half- 
dead  horses,  which  hauled  wagons  containing  in 
them  pineapples  and  oranges ;  Italians  had  sick 
monkeys  to  show,  and  nurses  sick  children  to 
nurse;  flirtations  were  discoverable  by  sunlight, 
by  lamplight,  by  moonlight,  and  possibly,  Dy  no 
light  at  all. 

The  fact  was  noticed  by  Miss  Tibletts,  after  five 
or  six  days,  that  her  brother  was  wearing  his  best 
coat  and  his  very  best  trousers,  his  best  silk  hat 
and  his  very  best  tie.  Besides  this,  he  wore  on 
his  face  a  sheepish  look  which,  when  he  was  acute 
ly  suffering  besides  from  a  poetical  inspiration, 
gave  to  his  face  that  expression  which  is  seen  as 
a  rule,  only  on  the  face  of  a  genius  when  his  por 
trait  is  about  to  be  painted  and  he  knows  that  it 
is  to  be  looked  upon  by  people  who  are  so  young 
that  they  have  not  yet  been  born,  and  that  there 
fore  he  must  have  upon  it  a  look  which  is  suitable 
to  very  youthful  powers  of  comprehension. 

Mr.  Tibletts  fell,  after  this,  into  the  habit  of 
having  his  shoes  polished  four  times  a  day,  and 
this  was  occasionally  extended  to  six.  His  sister 
noticed,  besides,  that  when  his  boots  were  not  be 
ing  polished  he  was  himself  being  shaved  or  sham 
pooed  by  the  barber;  that  when  this  was  not  hap 
pening  his  side  whiskers  were  being  caressed  by 
his  own  nervous  fingers  and  anxious  hands.  Be- 


44  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

sides  this,  a  male  Delilah  had  been  allowed  to  clip 
away  the  chief  evidence  of  his  genius. 

If  Mr.  Tibletts  had,  instead  of  retiring  so  con 
stantly  within  himself,  observed  outward  things, 
he  might  have  observed  marked  changes  in  his 
sister  as  well.  Costumes  of  the  good  old  days 
previous  to  the  episode  of  the  deceiver  and  dresses 
of  silk  were  brought  forth  from  the  trunk.  If  he 
had  seen  her  in  her  room  he  would  have  noticed 
that  she  stood  for  periods  of  prolonged  duration, 
and  often  before  the  glass  as  she  arranged  her 
locks  with  the  degree  of  care  with  which  an  as 
tronomer  adjusts  his  instrument  when  about  to 
search  for  a  new  star  among  the  myriads. 

The  time  at  which  they  had  agreed  to  return 
was  up  already. 

"This  scenery  is  marvelous  and  enchanting," 
remarked  Mr.  Tibletts,  one  day,  referring  appar 
ently  to  an  extensive  tract  of  sand,  which  was 
between  them  and  the  sea,  as  they  stood  on  the 
hotel  veranda. 

"And  the  sea  air,"  responded  Miss  Tibletts,  "is 
so  invigorating." 

"I  think,"  Mr.  Tibletts,  with  a  guilty  look  ob 
served,  "that  it  would  be  a  pity  to  return  yet  a 
while." 

"A  shame,"  answered  the  lady. 

That  afternoon  Miss  Tibletts,  dressed  in  a  green 
silk  dress,  whose  splendor  defied  the  rainbows 
formed  in  the  spray  of  the  waves,  went  glittering 
down  the  beach  on  the  arm  of  a  bachelor  who, 
being  of  an  economical  turn  of  mind,  kept  a  box 
of  blacking  in  his  room,  with  which  he  had  pol- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  45 

ished  the  toes  of  his  own  boots.  The  heels  had 
not  been  in  like  manner  adorned  as  upon  the  sub 
ject,  his  conceptions  did  not  differ  materially  from 
those  of  the  ostrich,  which,  after  burying  its  head 
in  the  sand,  is  of  th  opinion  that  its  example  has 
been  adopted  and  followed  by  the  rest  of  the  uni 
verse.  This  gentleman  had  brown  eyes,  a  turky 
gobbler  head,  and  a  long  beard,  which  with  ill- 
concealed  gratification  he  stroked  with  his  right 
hand  when  he  did  not  stroke  it  with  greater  satis 
faction  with  both. 

A  mile  down  the  beach  was  a  rock,  twelve  feet 
high,  which  was  noted  for  the  number  of  mar 
riages  which  had  originated  in  its  nighborhood ; 
and  this  gentleman  and  Miss  Tibletts  now  sat 
down  in  what  seemed,  under  the  circumstances, 
dangerous  proximity  to  it.  What  made  the  dan 
ger  appear  greater,  was  the  fact  that,  for  what 
was  now  weeks,  the  lady  and  gentleman  had  been 
constantly  together  .  During  the  walk  the  gentle 
man  gave  utterance  to  a  remark  of  the  weightiest 
character  to  one  who  considered  the  male  race  to 
consist  of  brutes.  He  had  said  that  if  she  would 
become  his  wife  she  would  be  an  angel. 

The  prospect  of  becoming  an  angel,  through  the 
intervention  of  matrimony,  is  one  which  is  doubt 
less  pleasant  to  man  or  wroman;  but,  as  the  lady 
informed  him,  there  stood  in  this  instance  an  ob 
stacle  in  the  way.  She  and  her  brother  had  both 
asserted,  over  and  over  again,  that  nothing  would, 
might,  could  or  should,  ever  induce  them  to  mar 
ry.  Now,  if  nothing  could  induce  her  to  mar 
ry,  the  logical  consequence  would  be  that  the 


46  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

gentleman  with  the  beard,  being  included  in  noth 
ing,  could  not.  However,  she  told  him  that  she 
would  consider  it;  and  when  a  woman  says  that, 
the  man  who  changes  his  mind  and  wishes  to  re 
cede  afterwards,  had  better  look  out  for  himself. 
For  the  purpose  of  considering  it  she  sat  down 
with  him  by  the  side  of  the  rock. 

Sitting  there  in  silent  and  romantic  meditation, 
they  heard  suddenly  the  sound  of  a  mournful 
male  voice  coming  from  the  other  side  of  the  rock, 
which  said : 

"You  see  the  gulls  moving  along  the  shore.  Are 
they  not  in  love?" 

This  was  not,  as  Falstaff  once  said,  "  a  question 
to  be  asked,"  but  rather  a  question,  as  it  appeared, 
to  be  answered.  They  listened,  therefore,  for  the 
the  answer,  and  perhaps  wondered  if  the  speaker 
referred  to  the  gulls  simply  because  they  were 
such,  and  therefore  not  in  a  satirical  way.  They 
soon  saw  that  no  tinge  had  embittered  the  remark, 
for  the  doleful  speaker  spoke  again  and  said: 

"Are  not  the  lambs,  bleating  on  the  mountain 
side,  in  love?  Are  not  all  of  the  sweet  birds  of 
the  air  in  love?  Is  not  the  whole  of  one-half  of  the 
world  in  love  with  the  other  half?" 

"That  voice — why — that  voice  seems,"  said  Miss 
Tibletts,  "although  a  little  altered,  to  me  extreme 
ly  familiar." 

"That,"  continued  the  doleful  and  monotonous 
voice,  "is  what  binds  all  things  together.  Love 
is  knowledge.  Away  with  sciences !  Away  with 
chemistry,  away  with  botany,  away  with  geology ! 
These  are  all  toys.  Give  me  love,  which  lasts ! 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  47 

Having  your  promise  to  become  my  wife  I  am,  my 
cherished  one,  the  most  enviable  of  men.  The 
only  trouble,  which  I  fear  is  the  trouble  which  will 
accrue  when  my  sister  hears  of  it,  for,  from  the 
hair  on  her  head  to  the  soles  on  her  shoes,  she  is 
opposed  to  marriage." 

"Foolish,  oh,  foolish,"  observed  a  female  voice. 

"Utterly,  utterly,"  the  gentleman  responded. 

Miss  Tibletts  sprang  to  her  feet  as  suddenly,  as 
if  she  had  been  approached  by  a  mouse. 

"It  is  his  voice,"  she  cried. 

"Who's  that?"  came  from  the  other  side  of  the 
rock. 

"Me,"  said  Miss  Tibletts. 

"Who's  me?"  the  doleful  voice  wished  to  know. 

"Poll,"  was  the  reply. 

"Ruined !  ruined !"  exclaimed  the  voice. 

"Not  at  all  so.  Not  by  any  means !"  almost 
shouted  Miss  Tibletts.  "Not  in  the  least!  Quite 
the  reverse.  On  the  contrary — saved !" 

We  close  here,  being  satisfied  that  the  reader 
will  know  intuitively,  that  another  white  cottage 
has  sprung  up — as  it  was  bound  to  do — alongside 
of  the  one  which  has  been  described;  that  Miss 
Tibletts  and  the  man  with  the  beard  and  turkey 
gobbler  head  have  become  one ;  that  Mr.  Tib 
letts  and  the  lady  adored  by  him  are  one;  that 
one  and  one  in  this  instance,  notwithstanding  the 
arithmetics,  are  four;  and  that,  living  in  cottages, 
side  by  side,  they  are  convinced  that  marriage  not 
only  is  not,  but  never  should  be  a  failure. 


48  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


A    Dog   That    Can  Teach    Some   U.    S. 

Universities   That   in  Which  They 

Have  Proved  to  Be  Lacking 

While  sitting  with  a  friend,  before  the  earth 
quake  in  the  corridor  of  the  Palace  Hotel  of  San 
Francisco,  he  related  to  me  the  following  experi 
ence.  He  said : 

"When  I  came  to  California  I  brought  with  me 
letters  of  introduction  to  a  pleasant  family  in  San 
Jose,  by  the  name  of  Bancroft,  and  after  spending 
two  days  in  that  city,  during  which  time  I  was 
constantly  with  the  members  of  Mr.  Bancroft's 
family,  I  came  to  Oakland  and  took  rooms  in  one 
of  the  hotels.  Miss  Theresa  Bancroft  was  the  only 
daughter  of  this  retired  merchant  and  a  man  of 
means ;  and  was  to  me  the  most  interesting  mem 
ber  of  his  family;  and  I  made  up  my  mind  on 
leaving  San  Jose  that  it  would  not  be  long  before 
I  would  again  visit  that  city.  I  was  uncertain  as 
to  whether  I  had  made  an  impression  upon  her 
or  not,  but  I  was  willing  to  take  an  oath,  if  need 
be,  that  she  had  made  one  on  me.  She  was  a  hand 
some  brunette,  having  a  carriage  that  was  grace 
itself;  and  her  whole  life  seemed  to  be  made  up 
of  cheeriness  and  laughter. 

Changes  of  fortune  come  at  time  to  some  of 
us  with  the  suddenness  of  flashes  of  lightening: 
and  in  my  case  this  now  happened.  Patti  was 
here  at  that  time ;  and,  not  anticipating  what  was 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  49 

in  store  for  me,  going  to  the  theater,  and  forming 
for  three  hours  one  of  a  long  line  of  idiots-in- 
waiting,  my  turn  came,  and  I  purchased  a  ticket. 

Perhaps  I  had  better  say,  before  going  further, 
that  I  had  rented  my  room  at  the  hotel  in  Oak 
land;  had  my  trunk  taken  to  it,  containing  every 
thing  that  I  possessed,  except  the  clothes  on  my 
back,  in  the  shape  of  a  wardrobe;  and  had  rushed 
off  to  San  Francisco  to  procure  this  seat  before 
all  had  been  taken.  I,  as  has  been  said,  succeeded ; 
and,  as  I  did  not  care  to  return  to  Oakland  that 
night  I  obtained  a  room  at  a  San  Francisco  ho 
tel.  After  having  paid  for  the  theater  ticket  I  had 
left  on  hand  money  enough  to  pay  what  would  be 
my  hotel  bill,  and  a  few  dimes  over.  I  was,  at 
the  time,  expecting  a  draft,  which  I  had  directed 
an  uncle  to  send  me  at  San  Francisco.  It  was  too 
late  that  evening  to  attempt  to  get  it  from  the 
express  office,  but  I  expected  the  next  morning  to 
do  so. 

"That  night  I  went  to  the  Opera  House,  and 
was  bored  somewhat,  as  I  do  not  care  to  watch 
Romeos  in  panteletts,  as  they  fight  duels  to  what 
I  believe  musicians  call  semi-quavers.  After  the 
opera,  I  tossed  a  "night-cap"  down  my  throat,  and, 
without  putting  another  upon  my  head  retired,  as 
did  Thanatopsis,  (whoever  he  was),  in  the  last 
verse  of  a  poem,  to  sleep  and  pleasant  dreams. 

The  next  morning,  twirling  my  cane  between 
my  thumb  and  fingers,  I  walked  leisurely  down  the 
street  to  the  express  office,  after  spending  my  last 
quarter  of  a  dollar  for  a  breakfast — to  receive 
there  a  letter  which,  when  I  read  it,  made  me  feel 


50  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

as  if  I  were  about  to  be  turned  inside  out.  My 
Uncle  wrote  that  he  had  no  money  to  send  to  me, 
as  both  he  and  I  had  been  made  paupers  by  the 
failure  of  our  bank.  Do  not  try  to  imagine  my 
feelings,  because  you  know  you  cannot.  I  walked 
around  the  block  trying  to  fix  a  comprehension  of 
the  situation  in  my  head  before  my  obstinate  head 
would  consent  to  receive  it.  I  went  to  a  nearby 
park  in  order  to  rest  on  a  bench  and,  as  I  drew 
figures  with  my  cane  in  the  gravel,  still  further 
study  my  status.  To  the  nurse  girls  there  engaged 
in  wheeling  babies  in  carriages  I  was  evidently  an 
interesting  pauper,  for  they  gazed,  with  consid 
erable  curiosity  upon  me.  However,  that  was  not 
my  day  for  noticing  the  looks  of  nurse  girls,  how 
ever  good  looking  the  girls  thought  themselves 
to  be,  or  however  calculated  their  glances  might 
be  deemed  to  be — to  charm. 

"Then,  (as  I  did  long  before  my  usual  time), 
I  became  unnaturally  hungry  and  I  began  to  be 
convinced  that  something  had  to  be  done.  After, 
for  some  further  time  studying,  I  concluded  that, 
as  to  "beg  I  was  ashamed,'  I  had  better  meta 
phorically  begin  at  once  to  'dig.'  I  walked  to  a 
neighborhood  redolent  of  bad  odors — except  those 
of  pork, — and  made  picturesque  by  a  certain  class 
of  Jews  and  old  clothes.  I  there  put  myself  up  for 
sale  like  a  slave  in  the  market  place,  and  one  of 
them  purchased  me — or  rather  my  clothes — at  what 
I  considered  an  exorbitantly  low  figure.  Then  I, 
out  of  the  money  obtained,  purchased  from  him  a 
seedy  suit,  the  only  one  near  my  size,  at  what 
then  appeared  to  be  an  exorbitantly  high  figure. 


Within  the  Fair,-— Find  Them  51 

The  Jew  rubbed  his  hands ;  I  sighed ;  we  parted. 
The  next  thing,  having  my  hand  in,  was  to  return 
to  Oakland,  get  from  the  Oakland  hotel  my  trunk, 
and  sell  (on  as  extensive  a  scale  as  I  could),  more 
clothes.  There  was,  however,  at  the  hotel  a  new 
clerk,— I  doubt  if  the  other  would  have  known 
me, — and  when  I  asked  for  the  key  to  my  room 
as  he  scorned  to  soil  his  hands  on  me,  or  on  my 
account  disturb  the  awe-inspiring  serenity  of  his 
shirt  front,  he  tapped  on  a  bell  and  a  porter  came, 
and  put  me  out.  I  then  went  back  to  San  Fran 
cisco. 

"After  returning  to  that  city  and  for  a  time 
wandering  about  the  streets  in  search  of  work, 
night  came  and,  utterly  wearied  I  went  into  an 
office  building,  hoping  under  a  stairway  in  it  to 
find  a  place  to  sleep.  A  policeman  (ambitious  to 
rise  in  his  profession  upon  the  credit  of  the  num 
ber  of  arrests  made),  observed  and  followed  me. 
While  I  was  feeling  along  the  dusty  top  of  a 
coal  box  to  see  whether  it  would  serve  as  a  sub 
stitute  for  a  bed  of  down,  holding  his  club  in  one 
hand,  with  the  other  he  suddenly  caught  hold  of 
my  coat  collar. 

'Coin'  to  steal  their  coal,  was  yer?  'Tempt  at 
burglary,  was  it?  Oh!  I'm  just  onto  you/  he  said. 

"I  tried  to  explain.  But,  he  didn't  want  my 
kind  of  an  explanation.  The  sort  of  explanation 
that  he  urgently  sought  for  was  the  kind  that 
would  convict. 

'  'It  was  a  clear  case  of  attempt  at  burglary/ 
he  said.  Another  policeman  besides  had  observed 
me  enter;  and  he  had  himself  caught  me  in  the 


52  Within  the  Fair,— -Find  Them 

act  as  I  was  trying  to  get  into  the  coal  box.  He 
would  clearly  now  be  one  step  nearer  to  the  "up 
per  office,"  so  he  thought. 

"For  three  days  I  had  been  trying  to  keep  the 
bubble  of  my  courage  high  up  in  my  body,  but  I 
saw  that  this  was  a  'cold  day'  for  me,  and  the 
mercury,  as  it  were,  of  the  blood  that  was  In  me, 
dropped  down  to  my  boots.  I  was  in  despair. 

"But  there  are  lots  of  good-hearted  policemen, 
even  among  the  ambitious.  This  one  heaven  bless 
him,  changed  his  mind,  and  became  one  of  them, 
or  I  would  today  be  in  a  felon's  cell.  We  had 
been  standing  by  a  lamp  post  and,  by  the  light 
falling  on  it  he  had  observed  the  utter  despair  of 
my  face. 

"  'It  was  a  coal-bin,  yes,  sure,'  he  meditatively 
said;  'and  it  had  a  padlock,  and,  although  you 
are  quite  guilty  enough,  it  will  be  hard  to  prove 
without  some  stretching,  as — easy  enough, — the 
boys  can  do,  when  they  want  to, — so  don't  you 
now  be  getting  altogether  too  gay  too  much  of  a 
sudden.  Now,  if  it  had  been  anything  at  all  but  a 
coal-bin  I  would  just  hold  you,  and  put  you 
through.  So  now,  you  move  right  on,  and  if  ever  I 
see  you  around  here  again,  through  you  are  going 
to  be  put.'  No  man  ever  accepted  an  invitation 
with  a  greater  degree  of  pleasure  than  I  did  this 
one  from  him  even  though,  pushing  the  end  of 
something  hard  between  my  shoulder  blades,  he 
had  accelerated  my  departure. 

"Being  the  next  day  desperately  weary,  and 
having  almost  lost  heart  to  search  for  work,  I 
aimlessly  spent  the  day  in  investigating  windows 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  53 

in  the  delicatessen,  or  bakery  shops.  Night  came 
at  last  again.  Standing  near  the  kitchen  of  'Cam- 
pi's'  a  cook  who  had  observed  me  came  forward 
and,  without  asking  me  a  question,  handed  me  a 
stale  loaf  of  bread.  I  had  shortly  before  observed 
in  a  neighboring  alley  among  some  boxes  an  emp 
ty  barrel,  its  open  end  being  close  to  a  wall  and 
its  closed  end  to  the  street.  To  this  I  went,  en 
tered  it,  and  lay  upon  the  straw  that  was  in  it. 
Hardly  had  I  done  so  when  the  hungriest  looking 
thing  having  in  it  the  breath  of  life  upon  which  I 
had  ever  looked,  in  abject  humility  presented  it 
self  at  the  barrel's  open  end.  There  remained  light 
enough  to  examine  it  by;  and  I  saw  that  this  was 
a  dog, — what  there  was  of  it.  Having  a  counten 
ance  full  of  misery  and  despair,  on  four  emaciated 
brown  legs,  it  stood  at  the  entrance  to  my  pres 
ent  abode  and  tried,  gazing  at  it,  to  hypnotize  the 
loaf  out  of  them  that  my  two  hands  clutched. 
Then,  with  such  strength  as  it  still  had,  it  proceed 
ed,  while  its  great  hollow  eyes  gazed  on  the  loaf, 
to  wag  its  tail,  and  thereafter  to  lick  its  chops. 
But  the  strain  and  exertion  of  continuously  wag 
ging  its  tail  proving,  for  the  condition  of  Its 
strength,  too  great,  it  fell  over  on  one  side.  Had 
it  confined  its  exertions  merely  to  licking  its 
chops  this  apparent  collapse  and  catastrophe  might 
not  have  happened. 

"Breaking  my  bread  I  gave  to  the  beast  its 
share.  We  each  of  us  ate — in  a  manner,  in  har 
mony  with  our  surroundings, — very  much  alike; 
our  bread  going  down  with  great  gulps;  at  least 
such  was  my  thought  at  the  time.  Then  together 


54  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

we  slept.  Sleep  brought  to  us  both  relief;  and  yet 
I  noted  the  next  morning  that  a  change  had  come 
over  my  only  apparent  friend.  I  saw  that  he  would 
brave  clubs  and  cobble  stones  to  remain  nearby 
me.  Well,  he  is  with  me  still. 

"That  day  we  were  in  the  park  again.  Suddenly 
I  felt  as  if  I  would  like  to  sink  through  the  earth; 
for,  having  committed  poverty  I  had  committed 
something  that,  at  that  time,  seemed  more  like  a 
crime  than  anything  that  I  had  ever  before  heard 
or  read  of;  and  coming  towards  me,  and  not  far 
from  me  in  the  park  was  Miss  Theresa  Bancroft. 

"More  I  will  not  say.  That  happened  a  good 
while  ago.  We  have  since  been  married.  There 
became  after  the  marriage,  not  two  made  one,  but 
almost  three  of  us ;  and  one  of  the  three  is  our 
dog. 


Within  the   Fair,-— Find  Them  55 

No  Boudoir  (His  Own  Private  Dictionary 
Would  Give  the  Pronunciation  "Bood- 
wah")  Writer,  Who,  Surrounded  by 
Clouds  as  He  Comes,  Will  Descend  from 
Tamalpais,  to  Be  at  the  Fair 

Shooting  from  fields  covered  with  hay-stacks  into 
dark  tunnels ;  dashing  from  their  darkness  out  into 
the  blue  glass-colored  air  of  canyons,  having  in 
them  motionless,  dark,  tall  trees,  beneath  which 
foaming  waterfalls  are  here  and  there  seen  in  a 
shaded  stream — a  stream  which  whirls,  leaps  and 
rushes  between  massive  gray  boulders,  damp  with 
its  spray  or  the  moisture  of  night,  or  stops  at 
times  as  if  for  a  rest  and  breath  in  deep  eddying 
pools,  in  which  were  at  one  time  trout  for  which 
fishermen  still  fish  (and  which  they  say  they  still 
catch),  and  from  these  shaded  canyons  being 
borne  with  a  leap,  and  along  with  the  locomotive's 
shriek,  out  into  dry  and  brown  and  dusty  valleys, 
along  the  roads  of  which  creep  wagons  loaded 
and  slowly  moving.  I  was  on  a  train,  coming  down 
the  coast  and  towards  Sausalito. 

A  friend  who  had  just  gone  into  the  next  car 
behind — for  I  was  in  the  smoking  car — had  been 
telling  me  of  an  organization  of  tramps,  dwelling 
at  one  time  in  that  vcinity. 

A  velvet,  wrought  from  sunbeams,  would  be  no 


56  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Thorn 

softer  than  is  the  air  that,  after  traveling  long,  as 
it  were,  over  the  ocean,  seems  to  rest  here  in  the 
mountains,  and  wild  flowers  are  its  perfume.  Upon 
the  sloping  sides  of  these  valleys  and  canyons 
that  artist,  the  sun,  has  painted  his  most  gorgeous 
works;  and  the  moon,  a  coquet  though  she  is  to 
the  rest  of  the  world,  is  in  love  with  them ;  and 
for  that  reason  always  resplendent  when  she 
glances  down  on  them.  The  man  who  dwells  here 
needs  no  house ;  and  the  tramp  whose  taste  is  epi 
curean  in  the  matter  of  scenery,  has,  for  that  rea 
son,  announced  the  fact  that  this  place  may  be 
paradise  now. 

The  members  of  the  organization  referred  to 
would,  when  they  needed  what  was  not  to  be  had 
from  the  hands  of  nature,  ride  on  the  brakebeams 
of  passing  trains  until  they  saw  their  opportunity 
to  take  it  from  men.  The  members  of  the  organi 
zation  by  long  practice  had  become  as  skilful  in 
darting  about,  and  in  and  out,  among  the  wheels 
and  brakebeams  of  a  moving  train,  as  a  fish  is  in 
water.  If  discovered  by  a  conductor  or  brakeman 
in  the  act  of  stealing  from  the  valise  or  pocket  of 
a  sleeping  passenger,  inside  of  a  car,  they  would 
satirically  smile,  walk  sedately  to  the  rear  plat 
form  and  vanish  from  sight — and  from  the  earth, 
apparently, — with  a  degree  of  expertness  which 
could  not  have  been  excelled  even  by  tne  most 
skilful  of  expert  ghosts.  Perhaps  some  passenger, 
whose  heart  would  jump  into  his  mouth  at  the 
sight,  would  see  the  tramp  dive  from  the  plat 
form  like  a  didapper  duck,  a  duck  which, — so  say 
some  huntsmen, — finds  it  a  leisurely  performance 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  57 

to  dodge  a  Winchester  bullet, — and  as  speedily 
lost  to  view. 

A  broad-shouldered  young  man  of  ruddy  coun 
tenance,  wearing  a  broad-brimmed  gray  hat,  a 
blue  and  white  checked  shirt,  a  red  silk  handker 
chief  around  his  neck,  and  a  coat,  now  green,  which 
had  once  been  black,  while  sitting  in  the  seat  in 
front  of  me  had  been  listening  to  my  friend's  de 
scription  of  this  organization;  and  when  my  friend 
left  me  he  seemed  nervous  and  anxious  to  add 
something  to  what  had  been  said.  Pointing,  some 
moments  later,  to  a  cabin  on  the  mountain  side  he 
said,  as  we  passed  it: 

"That  shack  you  see  there's  where  Casey  Scrog- 
gins  lived." 

In  order  to  gain  if  possible,  from  the  dwelling 
to  which  he  pointed,  some  idea  of  what  kind  of  a 
man  Casey  Scroggins  might  be,  upon  glancing  in 
the  direction  indicated  by  his  thick  brown  fore 
finger,  I  observed  a  small  redwood  hut.  Through 
its  roof  grew,  and  above  it  spread,  the  branches 
of  a  madrona  in  which,  at  the  time,  sat  a  medi 
tative  hawk.  "So,"  said  I,  "And  that's  where 
Casey  lives,  is  it?" 

"Well,  no,  I  should  guess  not,"  said  the  man  in 
the  gray  hat;  "or,  if  he  does,  he's  the  first  dead 
man  I  ever  heard  of  living  anywhere." 

"Oh,  then  his  not  living  there  accounts  for  the 
tree  growing  through  the  roof,"  I  said.  Yes,  I 
see." 

"Sure,"  said  my  companion,  as  he  turned  around 
further  in  his  seat  to  look  hard  and  straight  in 
my  face.  He  seemed  to  be  satisfied  after  this 


58  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

tiny  that  I  had  more  intelligence  than  he  had  at 
first  suspected,  for  he  winked  at  me  slowly  and 
with  a  grin  said : 

"Come   off." 

Seeming  to  think,  however,  that  I  deserved  some 
sort  of  punishment  for  whatever  I  had  been  trying 
to  do,  he  drew  from  his  pistol  pocket  a  package  of 
cigarettes  and  offered  me  one ;  but,  as  I  believed 
the  punishment  would  be  altogether  disproportion 
ate  to  my  innocence,  I  politely  refused  to  suffer. 

"My  name,"  said  he,  "is  Joe  Barder.  Drove  on 
the  Lakeport  stage  once,  and  everybody  in  the 
north  half  of  the  state  knows  me  ;  but  as  I  have  not 
been  driving  since  I  have  been  down  here,  nobody 
here  knows  me.  But,  of  course,  you  know  Casey 
Scroggins,  though?" 

I  had  to  blush  for  myself.  I  had  not  known 
him. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Barder,  "that's  shore  a  wonder. 
Now  he  was  this  kind  of  a  man ;  too  polite  to 
work — and  didn't,  and  that's  one  of  the  ways  he 
made  his  reputation.  Oh,  he  was  remarkable. 
Nobody  but  could  see  that  with  his  eyes  shut.  For 
instance,  if  you  had  a  horse  he  wanted,  all  he  had 
to  do  was  to  ask  you  for  it — no  necessity  to  steal 
it;  not  the  least  little  bit — and  it  was  his.  It  was 
as  easy  to  him  as  falling  off  a  log." 

"Do  you  mean  to  say,"  said  I,  "that  if  he  had 
asked  you  for  one  of  your  leaders,  you  would 
have  given  the  horse  to  him?" 

"Why,  sure,"  said  the  speaker.  "Couldn't  have 
helped  it,  as  you'll  see.  All  he  had  to  do  was 
just  to  mention  the  matter  and  you'd  be  the  one  to 


Within  the  Fair,— -Find  Them  59 

beg  him  for  to  accept.  Oh,  he  was  a  prince,  was 
Scroggins,  and  no  mistake.  If  he  wanted  a  ranch 
no  necessity  for  him  to  buy  it,  for  give  him  time 
and  he'd  have  it  for  nothing.  In  his  easy  going, 
casual  way,  unless  he  saw  something  better  in 
sight  that  took  his  fancy,  he'd  refer  to  it  and  you'd 
take  him  in  as  partner.  If  you  went  with  a  club 
or  gun,  to  remonstrate  with  him  for  something 
he'd  done,  —  no,  you  wouldn't;  for  at  the  first 
sight  of  him  you'd  melt  away  into  a  jubilee  of 
joy,  and  in  the  end  go  off  his  life-long  friend, 
just  harping  away  on  his  praises  like  you'd  been 
turned  into  a  small  sized  cherub,  just  come  into 
possession  of  his  harp,  who  had  learned  but  one 
tune.  Oh,  don't  you  believe  it,  but  he  was  a  dan 
dy;  and  there's  no  use  disputing  a  fact  when  it's 
not  made  out  of  statistics. 

"I  could  show  you  many  a  man  who  has  gone 
in  a  towering  rage  to  chaw  him  up  and  knock 
sixteen  if  not  seventeen  kinds  of  daylight  out  of 
him,  who  has  come  back  with  a  silly  smile,  only 
to  swear  by  him.  What  was  it?  Oh,  something 
beats  all  ancient  armor.  Where'd  he  get  it?  Well, 
sir,  you  won't  believe  it;  but  he  stole  the  idea 
clean  from  the  Bible.  Great  head?  Oh,  you  bet! 
What  was  it?  His  radiant  politeness.  That's 
what ! 

"Why,  if  a  cuss  word  was  to  touch  him  he 
would  melt  away  like  an  icicle  on  a  red  hot  stove. 
Casey  was  no  church  member — don't  mistake  me ; 
— but  if  a  man  started  out  to  murder  him,  that 
man's  friend  would  be  more'n  likely  to  hear  he'd 
committed  suicide  from  being  made  ashamed  of 


00  Within  th«  Fair,— Find  Them 

himself  and  remorse  beforehand  instead.  To  show 
you  just  what  kind  of  a  man  Casey  Scroggins  was ; 
he  once  delivered  a  sermon  to  a  lot  of  horse  thieves 
up  in  Siskiyou,  and  got  'em  all  to  weeping  like  in 
fants  ;  and  the  next  morning,  before  daylight,  he 
had  walked  off  with  their  only  ham,  which  they 
had  looked  forward  to  the  use  of  for  breakfast. 
They  tell  this  following  story  on  him  which, 
though  it  isn't  true,  shows  you  also  what  he  was. 
That  he  once  run  off  with  another  man's  wife  and 
that  the  man,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  only  thanked 
him.  Oh,  yep. 

"You  see  he  was  so  utterly  polite  he'd  even  for 
give  all  his  enemies  as  he  made  them.  He  was 
just  a  dandy  in  a  duster  and  not  a  doubt.  For  what 
he'd  done  he'd  always  soon  show  his  enemies  they 
only  were  to  blame,  till  they'd  nod  their  heads 
in  acknowledgement  that  it  was  so;  and  then  how 
fast  he'd  wade  in  and  forgive  them ! 

"A  point  of  his,  when  they'd  rush  at  him  for  some 
piece  of  his  rascality, — for  you'd  better  believe  me 
he  was  a  rascal,  one  who  never  had  an  equal  in 
low-downness,  except,  maybe,  in  high-class  poli 
tics —  was  to  rush  out  at  them  with  extended  hand 
and  get  in  the  first  word,  and  that  first  word  was 
always:  'Old  man,  God  bless  you!'  and  while  his 
face  would  beam  like  the  sun  when  first  bursting 
through  the  clouds  of  a  foggy  morning,  he'd  tell 
them  how  happy  the  sight  of  them  had  made  him. 
As  they'd  not  come  there  to  be  blessed  themselves, 
or  with  the  intention  of  arousing  such  over  power 
ing  happiness  in  him,  seeing  they'd  done  so  would 
just  amaze  them  and  they'd  be  stunned  on  the 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  61 

start.  Before  they'd  had  time  to  get  breath  for  a 
reply  he'd  give  them  his  hand,  and  in  their  dazed 
condition,  up  and  down  like  a  pump  handle,  they'd 
shake  it.  Now  a  man  whose  going  to  annihilate 
another  don't  like  to  start  in  by  shaking  hands. 
That  is,  in  those  days,  when  it  wasn't  the  old  Cali 
fornia  way.  It  then  was  to  tell  your  enemy  you'd 
come  for  a  row,  and  if  he  wasn't  armed,  go  and 
get  armed';  and  when  he  said  he  was  so,  strike 
him  in  front;  not  shake  his  hand  first  and  shoot 
him  next  when  he  had  no  weapons  on. 

"Well,  sir;  after  they'd  done  slowly  and  doubt 
fully  shaking  his  hand,  which  in  their  dazed  con 
dition  they'd  a  kep'  up  to  the  middle  of  next 
week  maybe,  unless  he'd  stopped  it,  he'd  drag 
them  into  his  hut  to  see  the  bow  and  arrow  or 
something  of  that  kind  (which  he  always  had 
ready),  which  for  six  weeks  he'd  been  whittling 
on  as  a  present  for  their  child,  which  most  re 
sembled  his  father.  On  learning  this  the  revolu 
tion  in  their  feelings  would  be  so  great  the  ground 
would  seem  to  slip  from  under  them,  and  they'd 
fall  forward  on  his  breast  and  weep.  Bringing 
about  such  a  little  performance  as  that  was  just 
no  trick  at  all  to  him. 

"Now,  no  doubt  you'll  agree  with  me,  a  man 
who  could  turn  a  person  inside  out  and  upside 
down  and  wrong  end  foremost,  who  had  come 
perhaps  to  murder  him,  and  all  in  three  shakes 
of  a  lamb's  tail,  was  somebody  and  had  got  no 
use  to  work.  He  had  genius.  Now,  of  course, 
you  know  what  that  is.  Well,  a  man,  if  he  has  it, 
just  holds  four  aces  when  the  whole  earth  Is  in 


62  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

the  pot,  and  he  gambles  with  his  legs  hanging 
down  over  .  But  a  man  who  had  genius — I  don't 
mean  like  those  hot-house  dude  writers,  for  ex 
ample,  in  lavender  pants,  which,  while  wearing 
kid  gloves  to  write  in,  do  their  scribbling  in  a 
silver-mounted  chair ; — no,  sir,  not  them  with  a 
gold  lap  pad  and  a  bib  to  keep  the  ink  off,  and  a 
marble  topped  table,  in  the  East,  to  write  on, — 
but  the  real  stuff,  is  bound  to  drink.  Liquor, 
whether  it's  good  or  bad,  or  the  material  with  a 
thousand  and  one  streaks  in,  he  must  have,  and  he 
will  have, — he  shore  will, —  for  he's  like  a  fish  out 
of  water  for  the  want  of  it.  And  so  it  was,  Casey 
he  drank.  But  in  time  he  overdone  it;  and  you 
know  by  the  old  maxim  you  can't  overdo  noth 
ing,  or  words  to  that  effect.  Well,  he  had  to  hold 
up,  and  a  good  and  plenty.  Now,"  continued  the 
man  with  the  gray  hat  and  red  handkerchief,  as 
he  looked  at  me  with  a  look  of  certainty  expressed 
in  his  eyes  that  my  answer  would  be  in  the  affirm 
ative  ;  "You've  heard  of  the  Muir  Woods  Bard. 

Misfortunes  never  come  singly.  For  a  second 
time  I  was  compelled  to  show  my  ignorance,  for 
I  had  not. 

"Well,"  Mr.  Barder  continued,  "he  roosts  and 
warbles  up  on  the  top  of  the  highest  mountain 
back  of  them  woods;  for  he's  a  bird,  he  is.  and 
there's  not  a  fly  upon  him.  He  don't  need  a  bib  to 
keep  his  ink  off;  not  he.  A  carpenter's  pencil 
is  good  enough  for  him  to  write  with  any  day; 
and  as  for  paper;  well,  oh,  everything  goes.  Usu 
ally  its  yellow  paper  bags  from  the  store  down 
below.  He's  no  commonplace,  everyday  poet 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  63 

neither,  for  he's  a  seafaring  poet  and  he  once  was 
a  sailor.  Down  at  Sausalito,  if  you  will  hear  me, 
we're  proud  of  him.  He  says  the  poems  of  these 
dude  poets  makes  him  just  like  a  landlubber  sea 
sick  to  read  them.  Mostly  it  is  he  writes  about 
the  sea.  Up  there  in  his  shake  cabin,  in  the  middle 
of  a  thicket,  surrounded  by  pine  trees  and  poison 
oak,  he  writes ;  and  in  the  morning,  when  the 
tops  of  the  glittering  clouds  are  spread  out  like 
a  sea  rippling  silver  below  him,  then  he  imagines 
himself  aboard  ship,  and  writes  epics  and  son 
nets  to  the  mermaids  and  so  forth.  Yes,  sir,  when 
he's  ravin'  around  in  an  inspiration,  with  his  red 
beard  closely  resembling  the  shadow  of  the  whirl 
ing,  foaming,  fiery  sword  put  at  the  garden  of 
Eden  to  keep  out  intruders, — then  he's  somebody. 
"Then  it  is  that  you  see  the  bluejays  and  cat 
birds  in  the  trees  creepin'  up  and  crowdin'  round 
to  listen.  For  he's  a  wild  wood  warbler  just  by 
himself,  and  they  all  of  them  know  it.  His  cabin 
is  chuck  full  of  sonnets  up  to  the  shakes  on  the 
roof.  I'd  suppose  the  supply  he  has  on  hand  is 
worth  $1,000,000,  maybe,  if  he'd  choose  to  print; 
but  he's  far  above  that  sort  of  thing,  waiting  for 
posterity.  It's  the  way  of  his  kind.  It's  not  their 
way  to  write  with  gold  pens,  always  shod  with 
diamonds,  while  sipping  at  mild  tea  in  a  pink  cup 
with  a  yellow  handle,  with  a  chinee  made  saucer, 
on  a  marble  topped  writing  desk,  with  the  cor 
ners  all  gilt,  in  a  "boodwah.'  oh,  gosh !  No,  siree ! 
Not  at  all  his  style,  by  no  means.  Just  go  out  and 
read  'em  to  an  audience  of  jays  and  cat  birds  and 
wait  for  posterity, — ah,  yes,  that's  his  style !  Yep. 


64  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

"But  all  poetry  writers  has  got  to  have  sym 
pathy.  I  once  heard  a  Dago  fiddler  say  he  couldn't 
ever  fiddle  on  one  string,  not  without  sympathy. 
So,  if  -even  a  Dago  had  to  have  it,  it's  natural 
a  poet  should.  Casey  Scroggins,  he  knew  that 
point  of  human  nature  just  as  he  knew  all ;  so 
he  thought  he'd  go  and  stop  awhile  with  the  poet 
and  give  him  a  lift. 

"Well,  sir;  he  was  the  man  who  could  put  in 
spiration  out  into  anything.  I've  seen  him  rub 
a  cat's  fur  the  wrong  way  and  make  her  purr  that 
way  easier  than  ever  you  could  the  other.  Oily? 
Why,  man,  grease  was  only  a  rasp  to  him!  He 
shook  hands  all  round  when  he  left  us  down  at 
Sausalito,  and  said  he  was  going  off  to  be  the 
poet's  temporary  public.  Then  we  saw  the  patch 
in  his  trousers  commence  winking  at  us,  as  he 
went  up  the  hill,  until  he  was  lost  to  view  in  the 
brush. 

"The  poet,  looking  from  the  roof — for  he  had  a 
trap  door  through  it  from  which  he  could  climb 
into  the  branches  of  the  tree  overhead  and  gaze 
at  the  stars  in  the  night-time,  or  jot  down  poet 
ical  points  in  the  day-time — saw  him  coming.  The 
sight  of  his  rascally  good  humored  eyes  and  his 
give-away  face,  which,  notwithstanding,  was  glow 
ing  all  over,  made  the  poet,  who'd  for  several  days 
had  a  bad  cold,  feel  cured  already,  and  as  cheer 
ful  as  any  young  skylark  when  it's  caught  its 
first  worm.  But  when  Casey  crept  along  the  tun 
nel  cut  in  through  the  thicket  to  the  bard's  cabin 
and  grasped  his  honest  hand  and  wrung  it  and 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  65 

shook  it,  and  then  escorted  him  inside  and  made 
him  feel  easy  and  at  home,  the  poet  simply  said: 
r<  'Casey  Scroggins,  old  man,  my  home's  yours !' 
"Casey  shook  his  other  hand  and  remarked  that 
he  was  hungry.  That  set  the  poet  moving  like  the 
machinery  of  a  clock  with  its  breakbeam  gone. 
He  bustled  around  and  sawed  wood  and  peeled 
potatoes  and  drove  up  the  cow  and  lighted  the 
fire  and  got  dinner.  While  dinner  was  cooking  his 
future  public  stepped  outside,  with  his  hands  in 
his  pockets,  and  took  a  long  observation  of  the 
chimney,  which  was  made  out  of  layers  of  logs 
and  clay, — saw  it  didn't  draw, — and  showed  the 
poet  how  he  could  make  it  draw  almost  like  a 
prize  fight.  The  poet  saw  what  he  said  was  true 
and  was  as  happy  in  consequence  as  an  infant 
when  it  says  'googoo !'  Then  Scroggins  he  point 
ed  out  still  more  improvements  which,  if  carried 
out,  would  make  the  shanty  go  one  better  on  a 
California  street  nob  hill  palace.  This  was  one 
of  Casey's  ways  of  paying  at  places  where  he  lived 
without  work.  Then  after  dinner  he  told  the  poet 
more  about  himself  than  ever  before  he  knew. 
He  also  told  him  things — some  of  them — that  va 
rious  people  had  said  about  his  writings.  This 
made  the  bard  see  he  was  known  in  places  he'd 
never  thought  at  all  of  being  known.  After  this 
preliminary  talk  Casey  expressed  his  willingness 
to  hear  him  read.  The  poet,  his  mouth  a  grad 
ually  increasing  semi-circle  of  rippling  smiling  de 
light,  brought  out  an  armful  of  epics  .  Did  Cas 
ey's  countenance  fall  at  that?  No,  sir.  The  ex 
pression  on  his  face,  instead,  seemed  only  whoop- 


66  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

ing  it  up  for  more !  The  kind  of  man,  as  you'll 
admit,  to  suit  a  poet. 

"Then  to  hear  Casey  critercise,  it  was  a  caution. 
There  was  nothing  that  man  couldn't  do  from  one 
extreme  to  the  other.  I  know  he  could  have 
served  in  the  penitentiary  a  term,  and  he  might 
almost  have  served  one  in  the  legislature.  Yep. 
On  the  other  hand,  so  varied  was  his  talent,  that 
he  could  have  made  a  first-class  running  com 
mentary  on  the  Old  Testament  also.  If,  by  this 
time,  he  hasn't  argued  his  most  majestic  hoofs, 
out  of  pulling  him  in,  which  I  s'pose  he  has, — for 
he's  dead,  now, — I  believe  he  could  take  a  stand 
on  the  tesslated  floor,  down  there,  and  in  two 
hours  induce  the  red-tailed  inhabitants,  all  of 
them,  to  go  with  him  on  a  strike  or  get  up  a  re 
bellion,  or  reduce  the  temperature;  or  something. 

"When  at  last  the  poet  stopped  reading  Casey 
commented  on  old  Sophocles  and  Plato  and  com 
pared  him  to  them.  He  didn't  say  so, — it  wasn't 
his  way, — but  the  bard  could  see  for  himself,  from 
what  he  said,  that  those  old  minnesingers  were 
mere  pigmies  to  what  he  could  do  and  had  writ 
ten.  They  both  were  happy,  but  his  delight  was 
genuine.  For  when  he  wished  to  see  a  thing  a 
certain  way.  that  way  he  saw  it  which  may  have 
been  his  charm.  Some  parts  he  insisted  on  hear 
ing  twice ;  and  then  on  reading  some  of  them  him 
self,  while  the  bard  did  the  smiling  act,  and  listen 
ing.  So  you  can  imagine  those  were  all  very, 
very  large  days,  for  the  poet. 

"Well,  the  poet  chopped  wood  in  the  meantime, 
day  after  day,  and  the  chips  flew  over  the  tree 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  67 

tops  ;and  the  way  Casey  lay  in  bed  and  looked  on 
satisfied,  was  quite  well  worthy  to  be  written. 
Happy,  happy  days  they  were !  The  potatoes 
which  the  bard  in  his  delight  peeled  for  dinner 
would  drop  out  of  his  hands  as  if  from  a  hopper. 
He'd  fish  for  hours  in  the  stream  nearby,  and 
if  but  one  trout  was  caught  it  was  his  public  who 
ate  it.  His  public  smoked  the  poet's  pipe,  too; 
and  when  the  tobacco  ran  low  the  suggestion  of 
the  public  that  one  of  them  should  temporarily 
smoke  dried  alder  leaves  was  followed,  and  the 
poet  he  done  it. 

"But  it's  the  arrangement  of  the  world  that 
no  joys  last.  Casey  about  this  time  felt  the  need 
of  a  trip  to  the  city.  So  borrowing  the  poet's 
watch  and  his  holiday  clothes,  and  his  calfskin 
boots,  which  had  come  around  the  horn,  he  went 
off  to  San  F'ncisco.  There  he  somehow  got  on 
the  Barbary  Coast  and  started  out  to  make  an 
impression.  You've  heard  or  read  about  Bar 
bary  Coast  bug  juice,  or  perhaps  you've  had  it 
pointed  out  to  you  from  a  place  of  safety,  and — 
yes, — I  see  you're  familiar  with  it.  Well,  to  de 
scribe  it  in  a  sad,  quiet  kind  of  way,  and  with  no 
intention  of  hurting  its  feelings,  or  those  who 
make  it,  it's  a  sort  of  mixture  or  highway  rob 
bery,  burglary,  delirium  tremens,  suicide,  insanity 
and  murder.  Casey  before  that  had  been  used 
merely  to  mixed  and  mingled  different  kinds  of 
rays  of  lightening,  seasoned  with  the  poison  of 
the  rattlesnake,  such  as  we're  provided  with  down 
here;  but  had  never  tasted  any  of  the  stuff  up 
there.  He  did  so. 


68  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

"It  took  hold,  and  one  of  the  many  things  it 
did  first  was  to  relieve  him  of  the  poet's  watch. 
Then  it  started  in  and  tattooed  a  couple  of  rings 
round  his  eyes,  just  as  if  playfully  to  give  him  a 
pair  of  ebony  spectacles  to  look  on  his  surround 
ings  and  whisked  the  rim  off;  and  lastly,  while  he 
was  asleep  resting  himself  in  a  doorway,  it  took 
the  poet's  coat  from  his  back  and  pawned  it. 

"One  night  Casey  started  home  on  the  break- 
beam  of  a  freight  car.  It  was  against  his  prin 
ciples  to  pay;  but  if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  Bar- 
bary  Coast  stuff  still  in  him  he'd,  of  course,  found' 
a  more  genteel  way  of  doing  it,  with  the  appear 
ance  of  coming  down  like  a  paymaster  in  his  own 
private  car.  Now  comes  the  sad  part.  Half  a  mile 
or  more  out  on  the  train  running  up  North  he  fell 
asleep.  His  fingers  must  have  gradually  loos 
ened — loosened — loosened — as  you've  seen  it  when 
men  are  asleep,  spasmodically,  more  ana  more, 
from  the  bar  to  which  they  were  holding,  and  then 
— well,  if  he  wakened,  it  came  too  late.  Poor  Ca 
sey  !  The  train  was  crossing  a  bridge  at  the  time 
it  happened.  Perhaps  he  was  wakened.  Perhaps 
he  was  not.  Perhaps  he  was  wakened  by  the  roar 
it  made  crossing  the  bridge.  Perhaps  he  still  slept 
on.  At  any  rate,  if  he  did  wake  it  wasn't  for  long. 
Of  course  the  brakeman  lying  on  their  faces  on  the 
tops  of  the  cars  did  not  know  what  had  happen 
ed  ;  and  so  the  long  train,  twisting  and  turning  like 
a  serpent,  was  drawn  on  bythe  two  puffing  and 
panting  engines  up  into  the  mountains  and  was 
lost  in  the  darkness.  Then  fell  silence. 

"Next  morning  his  body  was  found.     A  live  oak 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  69 

of  unusual  size  grows  up  by  the  bridge  out  of  the 
creek ;  and  between  two  of  its  large  roots  was 
Casey.  Upon  a  white  boulder,  close  at  hand,  stood 
a  bluejay,  with  his  head  on  one  side  peering  cu 
riously  down  at  him.  What  he  saw  I  will  not 
say.  A  bluejay  might  be  able  to  gaze  on  that 
sight,  for  a  bluejay  is  a  pretty  tough  bird;  but 
I  hardly  think  you  would.  The  poet  being  his 
greatest  friend  was  sent  for  and  took  him  in 
charge.  A  preacher  out  of  San  Rafael  was  called 
in  and  he  planted  him.  Casey  lies  buried  on  the 
top  of  the  mountain.  The  bard  wrote  on  a  white 
board  a  few  lines  by  way  of  explanation,  as  an 
obituary;  and  he's  at  rest  where  there  are  but  few 
but  the  wild  cats  and  coyotes  to  read  it.  Such," 
said  Mr.  Barder,  as  he  arose  from  his  seat  with 
a  sigh: — "such  is  life";  and  then  saying:  "So 
long!"  with  a  wave  of  his  hand,  he  left  me. 


70  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

An  "Ancient  Adonis,"  Who  Will 
Not  Fail  to  Be  Seen  on  Parade 

In  a  San  Francisco  street  are  three  large  and 
fashionable  lodging  houses  in  a  row.  In  one  of 
these  identical  lodging  houses — the  most  expen 
sive  and  fashionable  of  the  three — once  lived  Mrs. 
Theresa  Lembkin,  the  widow  of  a  deceased  and 
bankrupt  stock  broker.  One  of  her  rooms  had, 
between  it  and  the  next  lodging  house,  a  window 
opening  upon  an  intervening  space,  three  teet  in 
width. 

On  a  "what  not"  in  the  corner  of  her  parlor 
were  pictures  of  two  or  three  actresses — for  Mrs. 
Lembkin  had  dreamed  of  the  stage  —  dressed  in 
costumes  almost  as  scanty  as  those  worn  by  belles 
of  society;  costumes,  which  judging  from  appear 
ance,  were  intended  for  a  perpetual  summer.  The 
chairs  and  lounge  were  covered  with  yellow  linen 
bordered  with  red  tape. 

Up  to  within  a  month  of  the  time  of  the  com 
mencement  of  this  recital,  history,  relation,  yarn- 
fiction,  true  story,  report,  scandal, — or  whatever 
the  reader  may  be  disposed  to  call  it, — Mrs.  Lemb 
kin  had  lived  with  Mr.  Lembkin  in  the  state  which 
in  contradistinction  to  what  is  called  "single  bless 
edness" — we  will,  for  the  want  of  a  better  term — 
designate  double  blessedness.  And  in  truth,  to 
those  who  are  unfamiliar  with  the  occult  meanings 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  71 

by  the  initiated  given  to  such  terms  as  "tootsy," 
"turtle,"  "sweetness,"  "lovekin,"  "my  ownest  own," 
"sugar  plum,"  and  other  technical  matrimonial 
terms,  the  constant  use  of  those  terms  by  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Lembkin  would  have  led  such  an  unitiated 
person  to  presume  that  their  blessedness  was 
something  far  more  than  doubled ;  —  that 
the  amount  of  blessedness  which  had  come  to  them 
from  what  is  by  no  means  a  negative, — wedlock's 
knot, — might  be  better  represented  by  multiplying 
the  former  singleness  of  each  by  the  combined 
number  of  ringers  and  thumbs  that  were  fin 
gers  and  thumbs  now  by  them  owned  in  common. 

But  Mr.  Lembkin  did  the  one  thing  in  the  do 
ing  of  which  we  can  all  be  equally  expert,  not 
withstanding  the  obstacles  thrown  in  the  way : — • 
he  died;  and  thus  their  partnership,  of  apparent 
blessedness  was  dissolved,  and  poor  Mrs.  Lemb 
kin,  while  dissolving  herself,  as  a  solution  in  salt 
tears,  had  as  a  widow,  to  content  herself  with 
what  may  perhaps  be  called  the  "widow's  mite" 
of  single  blessedness  again.  Such  are  the  sudden 
changes  of  the  world. 

As  Mrs.  Lembkin  sat  at  her  window  gazing  at 
the  unchanging  scenery  of  a  brick  wall  three  feet 
away,  day  after  day, — utterly  disconsolate, — as  she 
thought  of  one  who,' — without  any  idea  of  tardi 
ness  being  connected  with  the  expression 
is  called  the  "  late  departed,"  —  it  was  but 
a  step  to  think  of  a  prospective,  a  new  and  a 
possible  arrival ; — somebody  to  fill  the  void  caused 
by  the  late  Lembkin's  absence.  Now,  do  not 
blame  her.  Widows  are  a  part  of  human  nature; 


72  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

human  nature  is  nature ;  and  nature,  as  infallible 
science,  in  its  passionless  manner  remarks,  ab 
hors  a  vacuum. 

But  where,  in  the  lottery  of  the  world's  changes, 
was  the  arrival  to  come  from?  And  if  he  came, 
what  would  he  be  like?  And  what,  in  the  way  of 
temper,  good  or  bad,  would  his  be ;  or  would  he, 
if  she  saw  him  first  afterwards,  dare  to  have  one? 
And  who,,  in  the  all  important  beginning,  would 
get  the  upper  hand?  And  to  her  more  important 
still :  What  in  the  way  of  things  which  moths 
and  rust  corrupt ; — what  in  the  way  of  messuages, 
farms,  tenements,  lands,  hereditaments,  goods, 
chattels,  assets  would  he  have  to  adorn  him?  What 
stocks  or  bonds  or  deposits  would  he  have  to 
make  him  lovable?  Such  dreams  in  the  form  of 
questions  came  to  her  during  the  loneliness  of 
widowhood ;  for  widows  have  their  silent  medita 
tions  as  well  as  maidens  "fancy  free,"  in  which 
it  is  the  grand  privilege  of  that  magician  thought, 
to  be  as  free  as  it  pleases  with  the  persons  to 
whom  the  meditation  applies. 

It  was  while  in  this  frame  of  mind,  that  one 
morning,  while  absentmindedly  gazing  at  the  ad 
vertising  columns  of  a  daily  paper,  beneath  which 
her  patient  hands  had  been  crossed,  she  saw  be 
fore  her  a  perfect  prose  poem  in  agate  type.  Its 
hero,  a  gentleman  whose  birth  and  breeding  had 
relieved  him  of  all  unnecessary  embarrassment, 
announced  himself  "to  be  one  of  the  four  hundred 
and  a  middle  aged  Adonis."  His  crest  appeared 
not  to  be  ancient;  for  of  a  miniature  size  and 
placed  at  the  poem's  beginning,  it  may  be  said 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  73 

to  have  looked  like  a  salmon's  head  rampant  and 
four  fingers  under  it  reaching  out  for  a  bag  con 
taining  such  things  as  mints  make.  He  said  that 
he  was  amiable  in  the  extreme;  distinguished  in 
deportment;  grave  in  manner  when  not  otherwise; 
and  that  his  heart  would  be  a  garden  of  Eden 
during  his  hours  away  from  home  to  the  cher 
ished  memory  of  the  face  of  the  one  who,  during 
his  hours  at  home  would  preside  at  his  hearth 
stone.  If  by  his  advertisement  such  a  one  could 
be  found,  the  Church  should  make  them  both  as 
speedily  as  possible  blest. 

Knowing  that  such  opportunities  do  not  occur 
daily  to  the  poor  in  purse,  if  proud  in  heart,  Mrs. 
Lembkin,  for  fear  that  the  opportunity  might  be 
lost,  replied  at  once.  In  her  estimation,  next  to  a 
foreign  prince,  one  of  the  four  hundred  was  a  be 
ing  to  be  desired.  Do  not  scorn  her,  oh  you  among 
the  proud,  who  having  purses,  have  the  pocket 
money  wherewith  many  kinds  and  assortments  of 
husbands  may  be  bought. 

The  next  day  came  the  Adonis  limping  into  the 
room.  Clearly  he  was  of  the  opinion  that  he  be 
longed  to  a  long  lived  family;  for,  unless  appear 
ances  were  as  deceitful  as  often  they  are,  if  mid 
dle-aged  now,  he  would  die  at  the  good  and  ma 
ture  age  of  one  hundred  and  sixty.  He  was  seedy, 
and  his  face  was  as  wrinkled  as  is  a  poor  nega 
tive  of  a  worse  photograph.  Mrs.  Lembkin  told 
him  that  he  had  either  mistaken  his  own  identity 
or  else  was  an  imposter,  and  showed  him  the 
door.  He  said,  in  reply,  that  although  she  was 
unkind  to  him  now,  he  was  sure  that  the  impres- 


74  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

sion  which  he  had  made  upon  her  would  cause  her 
to  send  for  him  to  come  back :  Yet,  if  she  did  not, 
it  would  be  of  little  importance,  as  whether  she 
sent  for  him  or  not,  he  would  come  anyhow.  He 
then  gave  her  his  card,  and  asked  her  to  allow 
him  to  correspond.  She  said  that  he  could  cor 
respond  occasionally — in  fact,  could  correspond 
even  hourly  if  he  liked,  but  he  would  get  no  reply. 
It  is  perhaps  well  to  say  that  it  is  not  the  wish 
of  the  writer  to  have  Mrs.  Lembkin  considered  a 
heroine, — or  perfection. — or  a  Minerva  ;  and  that 
before  giving  her  address  she  had,  in  compliance 
with  a  request,  made  in  the  advertisement, — from 
which  she  learned  that  Adonis  was  a  perfect  gen 
tleman  and  familiar  with  the  latest  fads  of  the 
four  hundred,  sent  him  a  photograph  of  herself. 
Adonis  now  refused  to  return  it;  said  that  his 
heartstrings  would  snap  if  he  parted  with  it ;  that 
the  original  was  superior  to  this,  or  any  other, 
and  then  he  limped  away  with  a  sigh  and  with  the 
remark  that  he  "still  had  hope." 

"It's  a  shame !"  said  Mrs.  Lembkin,  as  she  look 
ed  at  her  Sunday  clothes  which  had  been  put 
on  for  the  occasion.  "It's  a  shame !"  thought  she, 
as  she  remembered  the  bills  which  she  had  ex 
pected  Adonis  to  pay  for  rooms  in  the  richest  and 
most  fashionable  of  the  lodging  houses  of  the 
city.  "It's  a  shame,"  she  had  said,  as  she  remem 
bered  that  the  late  Lembkin,  who  had  been  a  rich 
broker,  had  had  the  audacity  to  die  bankrupt. 

But  often  where  our  arduous  labors  are  seeming 
ly  wasted  they  prove  in  this  world  of  greatest  ben- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  75 

efit;  and  labors,  apparently  well  bestowed,  are 
bestowed  as  often  without  advantage. 

A  handsome  gentleman  residing  in  the  house, 
whose  whiskers,  the  young  ladies  said,  were 
"loves,"  had  often  noticed  her  with  admiration  as 
he  passed  her  in  the  hallway;  and  that  day  he 
said  to  himself:  I  now  must  furbish  up  my  heart 
breaking  whiskers,  for  if  that  is  not  a  princess  in 
other  respects  she  certainly  is  one  in  looks.  He 
sought  for  and  succeeded  in  obtaining  an  intro 
duction.  Having  obtained  it,  with  a  lady  friend, 
he  called  on  Mrs.  Lembkin. 

From  discussing  the  weather  they  soon  turned 
to  a  discussion  of  the  late  Lembkin.  According 
to  the  better  half  which  he  left  in  this  world  af 
ter  taking  his  own  worse  half  to  another,  the  worse 
half  had  not  been  all  that  he  should,  by  any 
means.  She  did  not  wish  to  imply  that  he  was 
such  a  very  bad  half  that  any  certainty  could  be 
placed  on  the  route  which  he  had  taken  hence ; 
but  she  implied  merely  that  to  have  been  a  half 
of  herself  was  an  honor  reaching  a  good  deal  above 
his  desserts.  After  listening  wisely  and  saying 
little,  and  after  several  other  visits,  Mr.  Paul  Di 
visor,  the  gentleman  who,  as  she  lamented,  listened 
began  to  agree  with  her  that  the  honors  conferred 
on  the  late  Lembkin  had  been  to  great  for  him ;  and 
had  in  one  way  perhaps  begun  to  turn  his  head. 
In  fact,  in  his  desire  to  please  her  he  went  so 
far  as  to  say,  although  in  different  words,  that  so 
far  from  having  been  worthy  of  having  been  the 
whole  half  of  such  a  joint  community,  he  was 
convinced  that  the  share  of  the  late  Lembkin 


76  Within  the  Fair,-— Find  Them 

might  have  been  better  represented  by  a  decimal 
fraction. 

Not  only  was  his  discernment  pleasing  to  Mrs. 
Lembkin,  but  she  saw  in  his  manly  side-whiskers, 
and  his  shoe-brush  hair,  more  than  in  the  begin 
ning,  to  admire.  She  determined  therefore  to  woo 
him,  and  to  let  him  win  her. 

Unfortunately,  it  happened  that  at  this  time  an 
older  and  wiser  lady,  who  had  had  two  experiences 
as  a  widow,  and  had  acquired  such  worldly  knowl 
edge  as  it  is  the  lot  of  widows  to  possess,  dis 
covered  the  fact  that  Mr.  Divisor  had  what,  in 
her  eyes,  was  not  at  all  to  his  discredit,  but,  as 
the  books  of  a  bank  with  truth  remarked,  thirty- 
two  thousand  dollars  to  his  credit  on  deposit.  As 
this  discovery  awakened  in  this  lady's  breast  sen 
sations  of  love  she  determined  to  take  Mrs.  Lemb- 
kin's  undertaking  off  her  hands.  In  this,  she  had 
two  objects.  One  was  to  win  Mr.  Divisor  for  her 
self,  and  having  the  feminine  desire,  which  is 
often  as  great  to  mar  a  match,  after  it  is  made, 
as  to  make  one  to  mar,  she  wished  to  mar  this 
one. 

A  dreadful  battle,  in  which  the  deadly  weapons 
were  words  of  politeness,  and  in  which  Mr.  Divisor 
was  the  unconscious  cause  of  war,  ensued.  It 
would  be  hard  to  say  how  the  matter  would  have 
terminated  but  for  the  unconscious  interference 
of  Mr.  Reginald  Bradford,  the  "Adonis"  who  set 
the  cog-wheels  of  this  history  in  motion. 

Being  a  lover  full  of  hope,  he  had  kept  his 
word  and  had  written  to  the  lady  daily.  The  let 
ters,  with  a  sort  of  car  of  juggernaut  careless- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  77 

ness  for  a  breaking  heart — which  "Adonis"  an 
nounced  his  to  be — were  thrown,  unread,  into  a 
"catch  all,"  where  the  eye  of  the  jealous  Divisor, 
one  evening  saw  one,  when  left  for  a  moment 
alone,  commencing  "My  dear  Mrs.  Lembkin." 
Fixing  his  suspicious  eye  more  closely  upon  it, 
he  saw  that  it  had  been  dated  the  day  before. 

We  are  sorry,  because  of  his  whiskers,  to  say 
that  he  seized  the  letter  and  hastily  read  it.  "Adon 
is,"  who  had  written  the  letter,  had  a  glowing 
imagination ;  he  spoke  in  what  he  considered  a 
good  cause ;  and  he  was  acquainted  with  all  of 
the  technicalities  by  which  suit  ought  to  be  car 
ried  on  in  Cupid's  court.  He  was  a  most  ardent 
adorer.  He  got  on  his  knees, — pen  in  hand, — and 
he  begged  and  prayed  and  made  himself  ridiculous, 
— as  a  true  lover  should, — on  paper.  From  his  lan 
guage  the  enraged  and  frantic  Divisor  imagined 
him  to  be  a  handsome  youth  with  whiskers  cap 
able  of  doing  more  execution,  perhaps  than  his 
own.  He  was  evidently  a  rival  worthy  to  be 
hated,  to  be  feared,  and.  if  possible,  outwitted. 
Mr.  Divisor,  by  way  of  stimulating  himself,  read 
yet  more  letters.  They  had  the  desired  effect.  In 
one  of  them  "Adonis"  spoke  of  himself  as  a  man 
of  fortune.  When  anything, — worthless  to  us  be 
forehand, — is  wanted  by  others,  that  degree  to 
which  others  want  it,  is  the  estimate  of  value 
which  we  place  upon  it.  A  play  of  Shakespeare's, 
a  comedy  of  Molreres,  the  Kohinoor  diamond  are 
all  worthless  to  us  till  others  want  them.  Were 
the  play  of  Hamlet  presented  for  the  first  time 
to  any  manager  in  the  land  today,  he  would  say 


78  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

that  because  it  lacked  "action"  it  was  worthless; 
if  the  Kohinoor  were  presented  to  an  African  lady 
she  would  scorn  it ;  greatest  classic  plays  to  modern 
managers  would  appear  "talky."  All  these  things 
would  be  true  until  some  one  else  wanted  the  Kohi 
noor;  a  new  Lear, — a  new  Hamlet.  So  Mr.  Divisor, 
finding  her  by  another  sought,  wished  Mrs.  Lemb- 
kin  for  himself. 

That  evening,  after  having  been  as  nervous  all 
day  as  a  boy  can  be  with  a  dime  in  his  pocket, 
and  no  opportunity  to  spend  it,  he  proposed  and 
was  well  rewarded  for  the  courageous  act.  He 
was  accepted.  But,  under  the  circumstances,  this 
was  not  enough.  He  wished  to  marry  at  once, 
but  could  assign  no  reason.  The  astonished  lady 
at  last  consented  and  the  next  day  it  was  an 
nounced  that  at  a  certain  San  Francisco  church, 
at  a  given  hour  and  a  given  day  they  would  be 
married;  and  so  came  it  to  pass. 

As  the  happy  pair  were  departing  from  the 
church  a  decrepit  man  with  tears  in  his  eyes  stop 
ped  them, — as  Mr.  Divisor  imagined,  with  the  pur 
pose  to  bless  them.  The  lady,  in  her  then  frame 
of  mind,  had  a  kindly  feeling  for  all  of  the  world; 
would  have  refrained  from  stepping  on  the  hum 
blest  of  worms  and  she  introduced  to  her  husband, 
unconscious  of  the  fact  that  he  had  ever  heard 
his  name,  the  rival  from  whom  he  had  won  her. 
We  will  stop  here  and  in  a  later  report  will  give 
a  full  and  detailed  account  of  Mr.  Divisor's  surprise 
when,  for  the  first  time,  he  saw  who  had  been  the 
rival,  from  the  power  of  whose  charms  the  lady 
had  been  wrested. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  79 

A  Phgsiognomist,  Who  Knew  Not  What 
Others    Were   Going   to   Think   of 
His  Own  Face  and  in  Con 
sequence  Do  to  Him 

"Physiognomy?"  said  the  lawyer,  while  con 
versing  with  me,  as  we  walked  along  the  street. 
"I  once  saw  an  example  of  what  most  men  know 
on  the  subject  there."  He  pointed  to  a  building 
constructed  of  granite  blocks,  with  an  iron  stair 
way  leading  up  to  an  iron  door  having  a  peep-hole 
in  it,  in  front  of  whose  windows  were  iron  bars — 
the  county  jail.  "Wait  till  you  get  to  my  office, 
and  I'll  tell  you  about  it." 

With  his  latch-key  he  opened  the  lock  of  his 
office  door,  a  few  moments  later.  On  a  shelf  in  the 
office  a  dozen  calf-skin  bound  books  stood.  A  dus 
ty  round  clock,  that  was  not  running,  was  between 
them;  and  a  few  faded  engravings  of  judges  wear 
ing  horse  hair  wigs  hung  on  the  wall.  On  a  flat 
table  by  a  window  were  scattered  blotted  and  dog 
eared  papers ;  a  bottle  of  ink  was  half  covered 
by  them ;  and  several  pens  and  pen-holders  were 
scattered  about  on  it.  Seating  himself  in  the  oak 
chair  behind  the  table  and  throwing  his  feet  up 
on  it,  my  companion  commenced  his  story. 

"At  his  request,"  said  he,  "I  gave  one  of  your 
professors  as  they  call  themselves,  of  physiognomy 
and  phrenology,  a  letter  to  the  officer  on  watch, 


80  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

so  that  this  learned  man  could  go  along  the  cor 
ridor  of  the  county  jail  and  look,  to  his  phrenologi 
cal  heart's  content,  through  the  little  iron  pigeon 
holes  at  the  hundred  and  ten  prisoners  then  in 
the  different  cells. 

"The  officer  was  unfamiliar  with  my  hand 
writing;  and  being  a  physiognomist  himself  to 
that  extent  that  he  was  on  the  lookout  for  a  re 
ward  for  the  arrest  of  the  accomplice  of  a  bank 
robber  then  in  jail,  he  took  the  professor  in  charge, 
because  a  photograph  of  the  accomplice  referred 
to  in  his  possession  exactly  coincided  with  his  ap 
pearance.  The  professor  displayed  a  variety  of 
expressions  on  his  own  face  thereupon  character 
istics  of  which  would  have  greatly  interested  him  and 
perhaps  aided  him,  as  a  physiognomist,  if  he  could 
only  have  seen  them.  I  happened  along  at  the 
jail  about  that  time,  and  by  an  explanation,  set 
matters  right.  The  officer  had  of  course  supposed 
that  my  letter  was  a  forgery,  and  that  my  friend, 
(whose  real  business  was  playing  tunes  with  his 
fingers  on  the  bumps  of  men's  heads),  was  there 
to  communicate  with  his  accomplice  who  had  been 
jailed;  and  to  arrange  a  probable  story  for  both 
to  tell  in  case  he  was  afterwards  arrested. 

"But  this  is  merely  incidental.  After  staring  in 
the  faces  of  prisoners  with  whom  he  had  no  busi 
ness,  and  after  he,  in  return,  had  also  been  well 
blackguarded  for  it,  I  left  the  prison  with  him. 
When  on  the  street,  I  asked  him  which  of  the 
prisoners  in  the  jail  to  him  had  appeared  to  have 
had  the  worst  face.  He  replied  at  once  that  it 
was  the  man  in  number  six.  He  said  that  he  was 


Within  the  Fair,-— Find  Them  81 

evidently  educated  and  intelligent,  and,  therefore, 
because  of  his  mental  powers,  the  worst  criminal 
there.  Now  the  man  in  number  six  had  been 
my  own  client ;  and  I'll  tell  you  what  I  know  about 
him,  so  that  you  can  make  up  your  own  mind  as 
to  whether  or  not  the  physiognomist  was  right. 
This  is  the  story  of  the  inmate  of  cell  number  six: 

"He  had  lived  in  a  miserable  room  in  the  back 
of  a  house  from  which  the  paint  on  the  walls  in 
side  that  had  dried  up  in  cakes,  was  dropping  away. 
Half  of  the  outside  shutters  were  broken  and  gone ; 
many  of  the  pickets  in  the  front  fence  were  miss 
ing;  and  the  sandy  front  yard  was  filled  with  rags 
and  brown  papers,  which  the  breezes  playfully 
carried  in  small  whirlwinds  about  it.  The  stair 
way  leading  up  to  his  room  had  on  it  a  ragged 
carpet.  The  two  rooms  in  which  he,  his  wife  and 
his  invalid  daughter,  had  lived,  looked  out  on  a 
back  yard,  the  counterpart  of  the  front  one. 

"Well,  in  that  room  the  little  family  had  at  last 
found  a  lodgment,  after  going  down,  down,  down, 
— because  of  their  poverty, — from  their  old  home, 
to  the  hotels,  first;  next,  from  the  hotels  to  the 
lodging-houses ;  then  from  the  best  class  of  lodg 
ing-houses  to  the  worst.  Here  they  were  stranded 
at  last.  After  their  money  had  gone,  the  quality 
of  their  misfortunes  had  changed.  First,  in  her 
anxious  attempt  to  make  a  mere  living,  the  man's 
wife,  by  sewing  until  one  or  two  o'clock  in  the 
morning,  went  blind.  She  then  sought  an  oculist 
who  was  benevolent,  for  her  charged  nothing  for 
his  services,  but  being  unskilful,  he  made  her 
blindness  hopeless. 


82  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

"In  the  meantime,  the  man,  who  showed  his  vil 
lainous  countenance  at  cell  number  six,  by  way 
of  an  opening  to  this  story,  was  walking  about 
the  streets,  watched  by  the  suspicious  eyes  of  the 
police,  because  of  worn  out  shoes  and  worn  out 
clothes  which  would  have  destroyed  the  business 
chances  of  any  man  in  search  of  work.  It  is  need 
less  to  say  that  when  he  applied  for  it,  instead  of 
listening  to  his  request,  the  persons  to  whom  he 
applied  gave  all  their  attention  to  their  umbrella- 
stands,  or  hat-racks. 

"In  the  meantime  his  pretty  daughter,  a  young 
girl  of  thirteen,  was  earning  twelve  dollars  a  month 
by  working  from  dawn  to  dark  in  a  cellar,  where 
the  poisonous  gases  were  gradually  impregnating 
her  system  with  death.  One  evening  she  came 
home  with  heavy  leaden  feet.  The  blind  mother, 
whose  other  senses,  as  she  had  lost  the  sense  of 
sight,  were  acquiring  additional  keenness,  noticed 
her  step  and  said,  'Belle,  my  child,  what  is  the 
matter?'  Tin  a  little  tired,  responded  the  girl, 
'that's  all.' 

"The  next  day  her  fingers  grew  numb  at  her 
work;  a  dreadful  weariness  was  upon  her.  and 
she  accomplished  less  than  usual.  The  foreman, 
noticing  the  amount  of  work  done  by  her,  said : 
'We  will  not  need  you,  Miss  Bartlett.  You  need 
not  return  tomorrow.'  The  poor  girl  looked  at 
her  work  and  then  at  him,  but  because  of  her  emo 
tion  unable  to  speak,  reeled  out  from  the  place. 
When  she  reached  the  street,  the  houses,  the 
street  cars  and  the  people,  seemed  whirling  round 
and  round.  She  tottered  like  a  drunken  woman. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  83 

She  wondered  if  she  would  ever  reach  home.  Sev 
eral  young  men,  passing,  seeing  her  unsteady  steps, 
laughed.  Noticing  their  laughter,  a  crowd  of 
small  boys  followed  and  jeered  her;  and  barking 
dogs  soon  ran  in  and  out  of  the  gathering  crowd. 
She  looked  back  at  them  occasionally  with  a  va 
cant  look.  At  last  she  reached  the  room  where 
sat  in  silence  the  mother  who  was  blind.  The 
girl's  manner  being  strange,  her  mother  noticed 
it.  'My  child!  My  child!'  she  cried,  'You  are 
sick!'  Belle  passed  her  hand  slowly  over  her 
brow.  'Not  sick,  but  weary,  very  weary,'  she  said. 
A  moment  later  she  fell  from  her  chair  to  the 
floor.  The  blind  woman  gave  a  cry  and  sprang 
towards  her. 

"For  three  weeks  the  child  was  out  of  her  mind. 
During  that  dreary  period  she  was  nursed  by  the 
blind  mother  and  by  the  father,  whose  whole  soul 
was  wrapped  up  in  her.  A  neighboring  physician, 
a  young  practitioner,  without  practice,  attended 
her.  Everything  that  they  had  that  could  be  pawn 
ed  or  sold,  they  pawned.  The  dawn  to  their  night 
of  woe  came  at  last.  The  delirium  had  passed 
away.  'Do  you  know  me?'  the  father  asked.  'Yes,' 
said  the  daughter.  'God  bless  you!'  the  mother 
cried  and  burst  into  tears.  'Now,'  said  the  doc 
tor,  when  they  were  in  the  next  room :  'She  must 
go  to  the  country  as  soon  as  possible  for  a  change 
of  scene, — or  she  will  weaken  and  die.  This  is 
her  one  remaining  hope. 

"What  could  they  do?  The  doctor's  words 
seemed  to  have  in  them  the  cruelty  of  a  death 
warrant.  'Oh,'  thought  the  mother,  'for  the  good 


84  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

days  of  human  slavery,  when,  blind  as  I  am,  I 
could  have  been  sold  from  the  block  for  enough 
at  least  to  save  her. 

"The  father,  searching  for  work  with  desper 
ate  eagerness,  walked  the  streets  and  saw  gilded 
coaches  in  which  rode  women  with  dogs  in  their 
arms  or  upon  their  laps,  who  at  the  first  store  that 
they  reached,  would  throw  away  on  what  for  the 
moment  attracted  the  fancy,  the  value  of  his 
child's  life.  He  saw  men  purchasing  fireworks, 
and  knew  that  on  the  approaching  holiday  they 
would  turn  into  smoke  what  could  save  her  from 
death.  He  heard  men  making  bets  on  coming 
races ;  saw  others  buying  diamonds  in  stores ; 
heard  men  laughing  merrily  over  money,  which 
they  had  lost  on  prize  fights,  which  would  have 
kept  the  breath  of  life  in  her  body  and  saved 
her  from  a  shroud.  He  thought  of  the  coffin  in 
which  he  soon  must  place  her,  as  he  saw  dogs 
with  costly  collars,  swollen  with  good  food,  trot 
ting  gaily  and  contentedly  along  the  streets. 

"Wealth  was  everywhere.  It  was  all  around 
him.  It  was  pressing  against  him ;  under  his  feet ; 
over  his  head;  and, — strain  as  he  would, — he  could 
not  touch  it.  And  yet  for  the  want  of  the  mere 
dust  from  wealth,  which  to  his  anxious  eyes  seemed 
floating  in  the  air,  more — ten  thousand  times  more 
— than  his  own  life  was  in  the  balance.  Can  any 
man  endure  this  long  without  either  going  mad. 
or  acquiring  in  that  face  which  mirrors  his  storm 
tossed  soul,  what  phrenologists  in  the  shallows  of 
the  surface  (not  down  in  the  depths)  read 
ing,  mistake  for  crime!  But  the  phrenologist  af- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  85 

ter  all  had  been  right.  He  might  well  be  said  to 
have  had  on  his  face  the  look  of  a  criminal,  for 
on  that  night  he  committed  a  crime. 

"He  did  not  go,  like  a  thief,  stealthily  about  his 
work.  He  went  boldly  to  stand  at  the  front  door 
of  a  store ;  and  while  an  officer  who  was  looking 
on  supposed  that  he  was  the  proprietor  of  the 
place,  pushed  the  door  open ;  opened  a  drawer  be 
hind  a  counter,  and  looked  for  gold.  The  drawer 
was  utterly  empty.  The  policeman,  who  had  in 
part,  changed  his  first  opinion,  returned  to  see  if 
a  second  thought  of  his  had  been  correct,  and  saw 
the  man  was  a  stranger  to  him.  He  seized  on  and 
bore  him  away  to  jail. 

"Metaphorically  speaking,  there  are  many  seas, 
such  as  the  ancient  mariner  saw,  with  'water,  wat 
er  everywhere  and  not  a  drop  to  drink/  The  doc 
tor  told  the  blind  woman,  as  he  had  told  her  hus 
band,  that  without  a  change  of  air  and  a  change 
of  scene,  the  daughter  was  doomed.  The  science 
of  medicine  could  pronounce  that  fact  with  the 
certainty  of  mathematics.  The  mother  determined 
to  go  forth  to  the  streets  and  beg.  She  tottered 
to  the  crowded  streets ;  and  feeling  along  the 
fences,  hurriedly  and  with  trembling  in  her  eager 
ness,  moved  down  the  streets,  and  beg  she  did; 
earnestly,  piteously,  and  with  the  redoubled  eager 
ness  of  despair.  Shall  I  describe  her  heartbreak 
ing  experiences,  as  she  afterwards  related  them? 
No;  I  am  not  trying  to  describe  things  that  words 
may  not: — it  is  beyond  me.  She  met  with  but 
little  success  at  first;  but  at  last  she  came  into 
the  presence  of  a  good  Samaritan  who  believed  her 


86  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

story,  and  furnished  the  money  to  save  her  daugh 
ter's  life.  Eagerly,  anxiously,  nervously,  blindly, 
— with  a  smile  on  the  sightless  face — she  worked 
her  way  back  to  the  house.  Entering  her  child's 
room,  she  spoke.  But  there  was  no  answer;  no 
sound  but  the  pulled  down  curtain  slowly  napping 
at  the  open  window.  She  had  returned  too  late. 
Her  child  had  now  no  need  for  the  gold  which 
in  her  hand  she  held.  All  of  the  wealth  of  the 
mines  of  the  earth  would  not  for  the  ten  thou 
sandth  part  of  one  poor  moment,  bring  back  the 
bloom  of  life  to  the  still,  white  and  motionless  face. 

"I  had  been  that  morning  to  the  jail,  and  had 
come  to  bring  a  message  from  her  father — a  mes 
sage  of  love,  a  message  of  hope.  All  would  be 
right  he  said  soon.  I  entered  and  found  the  blind 
woman  sitting  in  the  darkened  room,  for  the  blind 
was  down ;  but  a  golden  ray  of  sunlight  passing 
its  side,  fell  on  them  both;  fell  on  the  gray-haired 
mother,  and  delicately  across  the  quiet  face  of 
the  child.  I  did  not  speak,  nor  did  the  blind 
woman.  The  room  was  silent,  save  for  the  laugh 
ter  and  voices  of  people  conversing  in  a  neighbor 
ing  yard,  or  the  jarring  sound  of  a  wagon  rolling, 
rolling,  rolling, — never  ceasing  to  roll, — slowly 
down  the  street. 

"When  I  afterwards  heard  the  physiognomist's 
judgment,  I  thought  of  the  one  who  (first  himself 
having  borne  the  burdens  of  which  only  those  who 
have  not  been  willing  to  go  and  become  expe 
rienced  in  any  of  them,  will  lightly  speak),  had 
then  said— 'Judge  not.'  " 


Within  the  Fair,— -Find  Them  87 

Two,  Who  Following  the  Advice 

of  Greeley,  Will  Be  Seen 

at  the  Fair 


As  this  is  not  the  first  time  that  rogues, — a  brace 
of  them, — have  been  presented  to  the  reader  no  one 
will  suspect  the  author  of  endorsing  any  part  of 
the  conduct  of  the  two  described  in  the  following 
sketch  .  Compliance  with  truth  to  nature  prevents 
him  from  informing  his  readers,  as  some  readers 
perhaps  might  wish,  that  their  careers  ended  with 
punishment  by  the  authorities ;  for  it  did  not.  They 
obtained  what  they  would  perhaps  have  defined 
as  "prosperity"  as  have  done  so  many  others  who 
have  been  engaged  in  similar  ventures : 

"It  begins,"  remarked  one  of  two  gloomy-look 
ing  youths,  who,  following  the  advice  of  Horace 
Greeley,  had  'gone  West,'  as  they  mourned  togeth 
er  in  a  room  on  the  fifth  floor  of  a  San  Francisco 
lodging  house,  "it  begins  to  seem  like  a  case  of 
prospective  suicide  for  two." 

"It  does  look  blue,"  said  the  other;  "let's  glance 
again  over  the  ads." 

He  took  from  the  uncarpeted  floor  a  newspaper 
which  he  had  previously  thrown  upon  it.  While 
sitting  together  on  the  edge  of  the  rickety  yellow 
bedstead,  with  their  four  eyes  on  the  advertising 
columns,  they  searched  in  them  for  some  opportu 
nity  to  better  their  condition.  They  readily  found 


88  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

opportunities  offered  to  every  or  anybody  to  make, 
through  the  investment  of  insignificant  sums  in 
partnership  concerns.' — as  an  offset  to  that  expe 
rience  which  others  had  previously  gained,  doubt 
less  by  the  same  process, — three,  four,  or  even  five 
thousand  per  cent  on  the  money  invested.  Evi 
dently  the  brains  which  were  to  act  as  asests  to 
offset  the  money  invested,  were  active  and  valu 
able  organs;  for  these  large  percentages  were  to 
be  made  by  the  person  investing  the  money,  with 
ease,  without  physical  exertion,  without  much 
mental  labor,  and  without  loss  of  sleep.  The 
man  who  modestly  offered  to  offset  the  money 
thus  invested  with  brains,  and  with  experience, 
might  have  to  labor;  might  possibly  have  to  pass 
sleepless  nights ;  might  even  have,  notwithstand 
ing  his  brains,  to  think.  The  would-be-partner, 
was,  however,  silent  upon  that  part  of  the  subject. 
Of  splendid  opportunities  of  this  kind  the  paper 
was  full.  But  brilliant  talents,  or  good  business 
habits,  were  received  with  enthusiasm — exactly  as 
they  had  been  in  the  East — only  when  the  individ 
ual  possessing  them  had,  on  hand  besides,  capital 
to  invest.  The  man  who,  upon  reading  it,  was  cap 
tivated  by  the  offer  made  in  the  advertisement, 
might  put  his  brains  into  the  business  along  with 
the  other  man's  brains.  To  this  there  appeared,  at 
least,  to  be  no  objection ;  but  he  was  expected,  not 
withstanding,  to  furnish  the  capital,  which  would 
make  up  the  difference  between  a  brain  which  had 
had,  and  another  which  had  not  had,  experience. 
To  judge  from  the  language  of  the  advertisement 
the  person  furnishing  the  brains  and  experience 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  89 

would,  besides,  look  upon  the  investment  of  capi 
tal  by  the  other  as  a  matter  of  good  faith,  on  his 
part,  and  as  a  clear  proof  of  the  fact  that  the  man 
of  money  was  not  a  designing  stranger,  moved 
by  a  sinister  intention  to  take  an  unfair  advantage 
of  the  brains  and  experience  which  the  advertiser 
offered  in  such  perfect  good  faith. 

"Now,  McDonald,  I've  got  it,"  suddenly  said  one 
of  the  young  men. 

"Got  it?  Got  what?"  sourly  asked  the  other. 
"Oh,  I  see;  fidgets!" 

His  companion  seemed  not  to  notice  the  remark. 
"I'm  in  the  drug  business,"  he  said.  "Odd  I  didn't 
think  of  it  before.  Yes,  sir;  mark  me.  With  one 
dollar  for  material  I  can  make  a  hundred  dollars 
worth  of  very  dire  disturbance  and  tribulation  for 
the  bacillus — weeping,  wailing  and  gnashing  of 
teeth,  there  will  be,  throughout  the  whole  land  of 
the  bacillus." 

"Oh,  yes— that's  so?"  said  McDonald;  "but— 
where's  the  dollar?" 

"Ah !"  exclaimed  the  first  speaker,  "it's  never  on 
hand  when  you  want  it,  is  it? — I'd  forgotten  all 
about  it.  It's  always  my  way;  imagination,  when 
it  gets  started,  runs  away  with  me.  You,  though, 
can  keep  as  cool  as  a  cucumber  sitting  on  ice. 
Nothing  in  you  to  enthuse:  no  imagination." 

"It's  got  to  come  some  time ;  I'll  enthuse,  for  you ; 
so  here  goes,"  said  McDonald,  and  he  took  from  his 
neck  a  locket,  in  which  was  the  miniature  picture 
of  a  laughing  , red-lipped  and  rosy-faced  young 


90  Within  the  Fair, — Find  Them 

woman.  The  next  day  the  locket  had  been  pawned. 
In  the  back  room  of  a  rickety  building,  which  had 
been  rented  by  them,  the  window  blinds  of  which 
were  broken  and  covered  with  cobwebs  and  dust, 
the  young  men  stood  in  their  shirt  sleeves  over  a 
tin  wash  boiler,  which  had  been  borrowed.  In  this 
boiler  which  was  on  the  top  of  a  rusty  stove,  was 
bubbling  a  brown  liquid.  This  liquid  was  to  grow 
into  their  "great  remedy." 

"What  do  you  suppose  it's  going  to  cure?"  Mc 
Donald  asked. 

"I  don't  suppose  at  all,"  his  companion,  whose 
name  was  Gale,  answered.  "It  won't  ever  do  either 
for  a  drug  to  be  suspected,  or  for  a  doctor  to  sup 
pose.  It  will  cure  anything,  just  the  same  as  any 
other  good,  harmless  remedy  will,  provided  the 
patient  gets  well  and  don't  die.  This  is  a  harmless 
medicine, — don't  suppose  I'd  brew  anything  else. 
What's  more,  it's  a  first  rate  A  No.  1  varnish ;  and 
it  might  be  used  as  a  diet.  Try  it." 

"No,"  said  McDonald,  "not  now.  I've  smelt  it. 
My  nose  is  one  that  is  faithful  in  the  perform 
ance  of  its  duties ;  and,  for  a  time,  I've  as  big  a 
dose  of  your  remedy  as  I  can  stand  that  way.  I 
should  think,  before  he  could  take  it  any  other  way, 
the  patient  would  have  to  be  very  feeble,  who  took 
the  drug — one  without  strength  to  fight  the  per 
son  off  who  undertook  to  administer  it.  Then,  as 
for  the  bacillus  who  wouldn't  run  the  moment  he 
heard  it  coming,  I  wouldn't  hardly  be  willing  to 
say, — except  behind  his  back  or  at  a  safe  distance, 
— what  I  thought  of  him." 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  91 

"You  do  think,  then,"  remarked  Gale,  "that  it's 
strong  enough  to  cure  people?" 

"Oh,  yes,  it's  quite  strong  enough  to  cure  them," 
answered  McDonald.  "It  will  cure  them, — I  should 
think,  of  a  good  many  things.  All  bad  habits ;  sieep- 
ing  late  in  the  morning;  going  to  lodge;  buying 
clothes ;  eating — all  of  these,  and  many  more  friv 
olities.  Oh,  yes,  of  course  it  will  cure  them !" 

"Bah !"  responded  Gale,  "it's  as  harmless  as  dis 
tilled  water." 

After  consultation  they  discovered  that  their 
knowledge  of  Latin  consisted,  between  them,  of 
three  whole  words. 

"We  will  use  them,"  said  Gale,  and  call  it  'Mc 
Donald's  Bacillus  Hie  Jacet.'" 

"Whose   did  you   say?"   McDonald   asked. 

"McDonald's." 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  other  young  man,  solemnly, 
"possibly  some  other, — but  not  this  McDonald's." 

"Why,  where's  the  harm?"  Gale  asked.  "If  it's 
a  great  discovery  you'll  get  the  glory." 

"And,"  added  McDonald,  "if  the  patient  gets  it, 
too,  or, — what's  the  same  thing,  goes  to  it, — Mc 
Donald,  whose  'Hie  Jacet'  did  it.  will  get  to  jail, 
and  you,  my  friend,  will  escape.  That's  one  of 
those  curious  propositions  that  don't  quite  suit 
me.  Try  another — something  else." 

"Well,  then,"  Gale  said,  "we'll  have  to  use  a 
dummy.  'Dr.  Harrington's  Hie  Jacet  Bacillus'  it 
shall  be." 

The  following  announcement  to  go  with  each 
bottle  was  prepared  by  them : 


92  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

PROLONGED    LIFE    GUARANTEED! 

or 
YOUR  MONEY  RETURNED. 

We  make  this  offer  as  a  guarantee  of  our  Good 
Faith.  Another  offer  we  make  is  this :  Any  one 
dying  under  Dr.  Harrington's  treatment  who  will 
come  back,  bringing  the  bottle  with  him,  will  re 
ceive  our  magnificent  lithograph  chromo,  and  a 
reward  of  twenty-five  thousand  dollars.  We  mean 
business.  This  offer  is  made  to  all  alike,  without 
favoritism,  regardless  of  sex,  color,  or  parentage, 
including  children. 

DR.  HARRINGTON'S  BACILLUS  HIC  JACET! 
A  Marvel  to  Microbes. 


Since  the  days  of  Hippocrates  medicine  has  been 
empyricism.  Regular  (sic !)  Irregular  physicians 
admit  it  is  no  science.  Hence,  therefore,  they  ad 
mit  themselves  to  be  quacks.  But  these  sheep  in 
wolves'  clothing  nevertheless  have  the  impudence 
to  call  us  (sic !)  quacks !  Now,  what  have  these 
highly  professional  gentry — (except  driving  up 
and  down  the  street  when  they  have  no  patients) 
— been  doing  for  ages?  What,  but  stabbing  you 
with  probes ;  titillating  you  with  saws,  and  ex 
perimenting  on  you,  without  your  knowledge,  with 
poisons?  Flee,  then,  to  your  true  friend,  Dr.  Har 
rington,  with  his  great  medicine  of  life. 

Think  of  it!     How  long  have  you  to  live?     Do 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  93 

you  dare  to  guess?  Minutes;  hours,  months?  Lis 
ten!  Do  you  hear  the  ringing  in  your  ears?  How 
do  you  know  that  that  mournful  sound  is  not  the 
clock  striking  your  own  funeral  knell?  Are  you 
weak  in  mind  or  body?  And,  if  you  are,  do  you 
know  the  appalling  significance  of  that  awful  fact? 
No!  But,  if  you  do  not,  be  assured  that  Dr.  Har 
rington  does. 

It  all  depends  upon  the  speed  with  which  the 
destroyers  within  you  are  working.  And  let  me 
tell  you — they  do  not  sleep!  Microbes  by  thou 
sands  are  now  destroying  your  life.  See  them ! 
They  rush  up  its  battlements !  They  are  tearing 
your  vitals  down !  But  Dr.  Harrington  can  save 
you ;  save  you  by  throwing  his  Hie  Jacet,  like  a 
guardian  angel,  into  the  enemy's  camp. 
Never  fails.  .Try  it! 

Cures  tumor,  cancer,  night  sweats,  bone  ache, 
scald  head,  hay  fever,  fits,  warts  and  coughs ;  and 
makes  a  fine  varnish! 

READ! 

Japhet  Kidney,  5  Wall  street,  writes : 
"Your  wonderful  Bacillus  Hie  Jacet  came  to 
hand.  I  had  got  to  be  known  round  here,  before 
using,  as  'Sick  Japhet.'  Hie  Jacet,  though,  done 
wonders !  Three  doctors  had.  before  that,  been 
eating  me  up  for  years.  Hie  Jacet,  though,  done 
wonders,  for  it  changed  all  that.  Hearing  of  the 
marvels  of  your  remedy  I  tried  it.  Completely 
cured." 

Mrs.  Whistler,  Dunkirk,  Bethlehem  road,  Milpi- 
tas,  Scotland,  writes : 


94  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

"I've  had  a  medulla  oblongata,  as  I've  been  in 
formed,  for  four  long  years.  Completely  done 
away  with  by  your  great,  grand,  good  cure." 

For  other  cases  write  to  J.  E.  Lock  Box,  Marsh- 
mallow,  El  Dorado  Co.,  Cal. ;  J.  Jones,  New  York, 
Lord  Carrington,  London,  E.  C.,  and  many  others. 

Their   answers   will   satisfy  the   most   credulous. 

The  remedy  was  carried  by  Messrs.  Gale  and 
McDonald  from  house  to  house,  and,  as  nearly  all 
of  the  men  who  go  West  are  born  orators,  they 
succeeded  in  selling  a  number  of  bottles.  By  the 
end  of  the  month  several  testimonials,  of  a  most 
flatering  character,  had  been  obtained  from  pa 
tients,  unable  themselves  to  write,  for  whom  they 
were  drawn  up.  When  their  names  were  written 
below  these  testimonials  they  themselves  complet 
ed  formalities  by  "touching  the  pen." 

The  energetic  firm  next  advertised  under  the 
firm  name  and  style  of  the  "Bacillus  Hie  Jacet 
Co."  They  received  one  day,  a  few  months  later, 
a  package  containing  five  thousand  dollars,  in  pa 
per  currency,  and  a  letter.  A  lady  three  score 
and  ten  years  of  age  had  sent  it;  and  their  rem 
edy  had  done  for  her,  she  said,  what  three  doc 
tors  had  failed,  in  forty  years,  to  do.  She  added 
that,  for  their  services  to  her,  she  knew  that  no 
money  could  pay,  but  she  hoped  that  the  money 
thus  sent  would  be  of  some  slight  benefit  to  them, 
and  help  them  on  in  their  grand,  good  purpose. 
She  said  that  she  did  not  endorse  "sitting  down" 
— as  she  believed  the  expression  was — on  people 
while  alive,  and  then  helping  them  after  they  were 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  95 

dead ;  but  she  believed  in  doing  good  herself  with 
her  money,  while  still  alive,  as,  after  death  — 
who  knows — she  might  not  have  the  opportunity. 

The  young  men,  after  they  had  finshed  reading 
her  note,  first  looked,  while  resting  their  respec 
tive  hands  on  their  knees,  with  a  dazed  stare,  each 
into  the  countenance  of  the  other,  after  which, 
upon  recovering  themselves,  they  dissolved  part 
nership.  They  learned,  upon  inquiry,  that  their 
benefactress  was  a  maiden  lady  of  great  wealth, 
whose  fortune,  by  a  will  at  one  time  existing  but 
later  destroyed  by  her,  had  been  left,  after  her 
death,  to  a  society  for  the  protection  of  orphaned 
and  abandoned  kittens. 

Upon  dissolving  the  firm  McDonald  took  a  look 
at  the  face  in  the  locket,  which  had  been  previous 
ly  recovered  from  the .  pawn  shop ;  and  he  went 
East  with  twenty-five  hundred  of  the  $5000  and 
married  the  lady  whose  picture  in  the  locket  had 
been  so  long  worn  next  to  his  heart. 

Mr.  Gale,  with  the  remaining  $2500  concealed 
in  the  leg  of  a  boot, — which  he  did  not  take  off 
during  the  journey, — started  two  days  later  for 
home,  thankful  to  the  former  editor  of  the  great 
New  York  daily  for  his  extremely  satisfactory  ad 
vice. 


96  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


One,  Who  Will  Not  Be  at  the  Fair 

Where  stand  ten-story  buildings  now  were,  fifty 
years  ago,  in  some  of  our  large  cities,  ash  heaps. 
The  ground  upon  which  stood  these  ash  heaps 
was  almost  worthless.  Today  because  of  the  pa 
tient  waiting,  privations  and  labors  of  those  who 
owned  the  land  on  which  the  ash  heaps  stood, 
the  grains  of  sand  constituting  that  land  are  al 
most  as  valuable  as  are  grains  of  gold.  Their  long 
years  of  deprivation  and  of  labor  have  induced 
others  to  come  and  join  them ;  the  owners  have, 
after  such  long  years  of  waiting,  received  their 
compensation. 

It  is  for  this  reason  that  in  some  of  our  larger 
cities  buildings  used  for  lodging  houses,  which 
are  absurdly  narrow  and  ridiculously  short,  are 
raised  to  such  a  height  that  you  are  almost  in 
clined  to  believe  that  if  any  human  being  at  all  is 
inside  of  them  he,  or  possibly  she,  is  a  chimney 
sweep ;  one  who  is  there  on  business,  and  will  be 
dpwn  just  as  soon  as  the  business  is  over,  if  not 
before. 

In  a  small  room  in  the  top  story  of  a  brick 
lodging  house — a  building  more  likely  to  be  tak 
en,  however,  by  a  stranger,  for  the  square  chim 
ney  of  a  factory  or  brewery — sat  up  not  long  since 
in  his  bed  a  sick  man.  Behind  him  a  chair  up 
side  down,  and  a  pillow  between  him  and  it, 
served  as  a  support. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  97 

From  the  one  window  of  the  room,  which  was 
open,  roofs  of  houses  were  to  be  seen  far  below. 
As  the  tall  lodging  house  was  on  a  hill,  even  the 
gilded  domes  of  public  buildings  and  the  spires  of 
churches  were  to  be  contemplated  within  the  pan 
orama  of  buildings  beneath  it.  Next  to  the  build 
ing  was  one  of  these  church  spires ;  and  through 
the  latticed  openings  of  the  steeple,  and  in  and 
out  of  the  open  space  where  hung  the  bell,  swal 
lows  could  be  seen  to  flash  almost  with  the  speed 
of  light. 

Some  distance  below  the  window  of  the  room 
referred  to  was  the  roof  of  a  brown  house.  A  back 
porch  was  behind  this  house,  on  which  was  seen 
a  stout  woman,  whose  head  was  bobbing  up  and 
down  like  the  head  of  a  toy  figure,  made  of  wood, 
before  a  blue  tub,  containing  the  week's  washing. 

But  the  man  with  the  kindly  blue  eyes,  of  the 
silver  gray  hair,  of  the  hollow,  sunken  cheeks, 
who  was  propped  up  in  his  bed  by  pillows,  as 
he  was  not  at  the  window,  saw  nothing  of  these 
things.  He  saw  only  the  blue  expanse  of  sky,  be 
yond  the  window.  Below  him  he  heard  the  rat 
tling  and  jolting  sound  of  wagons,  the  general 
dull  roar  and  moan  of  the  life  of  a  great  city,  but 
all  that  he  could  see  was  as  much  as  any  of  us 
can  with  our  physical  eyes  see  of  what  is  be 
yond  this  earth. 

His  thin  and  wasted  hands  rested  on  the  cover 
let.  On  the  bed,  in  front  of  him.  was  a  lead  pen 
cil  and  brown  paper  on  which  he  had  been  writ 
ing.  Upon  a  table  near  the  head  of  his  bed,  stood 
a  bottle  of  medicine,  of  a  yellow  color;  a  silver 


98  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

teaspoon,  the  bowl  of  which  had  been  turned 
black  by  the  drug;  a  plate  of  toast  and  a  cup  oi 
tea,  which  were  untouched  and  had  grown  cold. 
Trying  on  one  or  two  occasions  to  continue  his 
writing,  the  invalid  at  last  gave  up  the  attempt 
and  turned,  with  a  sigh,  toward  the  window,  to 
gaze  out  upon  the  blue  dome  of  heaven  which 
was  cloudless. 

To  his  acquaintances  the  sick  man  was  gener 
ally  known  by  the  name  of  Bohemian  Bob.  His 
real  name  some  of  them  knew,  but,  as  it  did  not 
sound  as  if  it  belonged  to  him,  it  was  but  seldom 
made  use  of.  He  had  had,  two  years  before,  a 
wife  and  four  children.  Within  the  two  years 
three  children  and  the  wife  had  passed  away  in 
rapid  succession.  Six  months  before  the  last  of 
his  family  but  one  had  been  laid  away  to  rest. 
This  one  was  a  dark-eyed  girl  of  seventeen,  by  the 
name  of  Josephine,  but  called  more  generally  by 
those  who  intimately  knew  her  "Joe"  simply.  She 
was  light-hearted,  full  of  jollity,  and  always  at 
the  door  to  meet  her  father  and  throw  her  arms 
about  his  neck  on  his  return  home  after  his  day's 
labors ;  for  he  worked  on  one  of  the  city  papers. 

When  his  friends  visited  Bob  they  would,  as  a 
rule,  find  the  two — at  the  window,  in  the  twilight 
or  after  dark,  gazing  at  the  long  lines  of  street 
lights ;  at  the  black  roofs ;  at  the  stars,  dimmed 
by  the  vault  of  pink  light  cast  up  by  thousands 
of  street  lamps  of  the  city  to  the  sky  overhead. 

The  work  which  he  had  of  late  been  able  to  at 
tend  to  was  of  little  worth.  In  fact,  because  of  his 
many  troubles,  he  lost  the  power  to  concentrate 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  99 

his  mind  continuously  on  any  subject.  And  if  it 
was  for  a  moment  fixed  on  a  subject  it  was  more 
likely  to  be  some  memory  of  the  past  than  a  real 
ity  of  the  present.  His  work  was  given  to  him, 
therefore,  rather  as  a  matter  of  charity  than  be 
cause  of  any  benefit  to  be  derived  from  it.  He 
was  as  regularly  at  his  desk,  however,  as  if  the 
whole  work  of  the  day  was  to  rest  upon  his 
shoulders. 

If  at  any  time  he  had  a  momentary  suspicion 
of  the  truth  and  carried  this  suspicion  home  with 
him,  he  found  one  there  who  was  always  ready  to 
cheer  him  by  laughing  at  his  idea  as  an  absurd 
one. 

But  on  this  occasion  to  which  we  refer,  one 
of  the  reasons  why  Bob  placed  his  pencil  on  the 
bed,  one  of  the  reasons  why  he  gazed  so  long  out 
of  the  window,  and  one  of  the  reasons  why  his 
eyes  looked  dull  and  hopeless,  arose  from  the 
fact  that  "Joe"  was  now  lying  in  the  next  room 
motionless  but  not  asleep ;  with  eyes  widely 
opened,  but  not  awake.  The  soft,  white  hand 
which  had  so  often  driven  care  from  his  brow  now 
could  drive  care  from  nothing — could  soothe  it  no 
more.  She  was  at  rest;  but  hers  was  that  rest 
which  is  not  to  be  broken,  no  matter  how  loving 
the  earthly  voice  to  call  upon  her  to  listen. 

I  had  entered  Bob's  room  and  had  found  him 
as  I  have  described  him.  He  had  been  trying  to 
prepare  his  usual  amount  of  "copy"  for  the  paper 
upon  which  he  was  employed. 

"For  thirty  years,"  he  said,  "I've  done  it,"  as  he 
fixed  his  eyes  on  me.  "I  think  of  that — that  griefs, 


100  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

losses,  misfortunes,  never  before  stopped  me. 
But  now  I've  tried  and  tried,  and  its  useless.  Well, 
it's  because  it's  Joe,"  he  added,  in  something  like 
a  whisper  as  he  motioned  toward  the  next  room. 
"The  thought  of  her  could  cheer  me  to  do  almost 
anything  before :  but  its  pretty  hard  to  think  of 
her  now  and  perform  the  work  I've  never  failed 
at.  Never,  never  has  a  day  been  missed.  But  now, 
today,  for  the  first  time  the  forms  will  be  locked 
up  and  the  paper  will  go  to  press ;  nothing  of 
mine  in  it.  I  won't  be  missed ;  and  my  record 
is  broken." 

He  was  for  some  moments  seemingly  lost  in 
thought  and  then  he  continued  :  "The  world  changes, 
daily.  The  future,  as  it  appears  to  a  youth  of 
twenty,  is  not  the  future  imagined  by  a  young 
man  of  twenty-four — a  man  of  fifty.  How  very 
different  the  first  part  from  the  last.  What  high 
hopes  at  first!  The  world  was  before  me  then, 
and  what  wonderful  prospects  seemed  ahead! 
What  wonderful  things  were  to  come  to  pass  in 
the  great  world,  which  (although  I  did  not  know 
it),  was  only  in  my  own  head;  things  which  never 
do  come  to  pass  in  the  real  world, — if  there  is 
one.  But,  when  it  was  too  late  I,  too,  learned  like 
the  rest,  the  great  lesson,  and  saw  what  alone 
is  worth  having.  But  that  knowledge  is  now  be 
hind  me,  and  in  the  past,  and  with  it  is  all  that 
made  hope. 

"For  a  year  past  I  have  been  beyond  all  love 
for  delusions ;  I  no  longer  have  cared  for  what 
younger  men  wish  for,  and  there  were  no  other 
children,  no  family,  for  whom  to  provide.  But 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  101 

there  was  Joe  and — why,  Joe,  she  was  all  the 
world  to  me !  I  could  bear  it  having  her.  She 
took  the  place  of  hope;  she  took  the  place  of  com 
forts  ;  she  took  the  place  of  everything.  She  was 
my  sunlight.  Joe  was  my  consolation  in  despair. 
When  I  w^s  about  as  blue  as  indigo  can  be  made 
to  be  she  would  proceed  with  her  pretty  way  to 
mock  me  until  I  would  almost  roll  from  my  chair 
to  the  floor,  like  a  bundle  of  something  which  had 
been  ignited  with  smiles,  and  which,  like  Greek 
fire,  couldn't  be  put  out — I  was  roaring  with  laugh 
ter.  She  was  my  life ! 

"Look  at  these  pieces  of  paper  on  the  bed,  on 
which  I've  been  trying  to  keep  up  my  daily  rec 
ord  for  thirty  years.  Look  at  them !  You'll  see  that 
I've  written  on  this  day  but  one  name — "J — oe" — • 
all  over  them.  Nothing  else.  If  I  tried  to  think 
of  anything  else,  what  came  into  my  mind?  Joe, 
Joe,  Joe — always  Joe;  and  naturally,  my  pencil 
wrote  it,  and  kept  writing  it.  When  I  saw  that  it 
was  useless,  that  the  record  was  broken,  I  laid  the 
paper  down." 

He  was  for  some  moments  silent.  Neither  did 
I  speak.  I  saw  that,  while  talking  and  half  un 
conscious  of  what  he  was  saying,  as  he  gazed  out 
on  the  blue  sky,  he  was  thinking  of  Joe,  as  she 
had  been;  Joe,  when  alive;  not  of  Joe  as  she  now 
was — Joe  in  the  next  room  with  her  hands  crossed 
on  her  breast;  Joe  with  the  reflection  of  her  old 
self  in  the  smile  on  her  face;  Joe,  with  the  smiles 
of  angels,  which  the  earth  had  caught  as  they 
were  passing,  and  had  wrough  into  the  flowers, 
now  lying  on  her  breast;  that  his  thoughts  could 


102  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

not  harm  him ;  so  it  was  for  this  reason  that  I 
did  not  speak;  that  I  sat  silent  and  motionless. 

"What  was  that?"  he  asked  me  after  a  while. 
I  listened  and  heard  the  low  strains  of  a  negro  mel 
ody  borne  upon  the  air  from  some  house  in  the 
neighborhood.  "That  is  the  one,"  said  Bob.  "The 
Frenchman  in  room  18,  next  house,  plays  it.  Some 
times  he  used  to  come  here  and  play  until  Joe, 
with  her  comic  way  of  singing  to  his  music,  would 
get  us  both  to  laughing  until  he  had  to  stop." 

The  next  day,  hearing  that  he  was  failing  rapid 
ly,  I  went  to  Bob's  room  at  the  earliest  opportu 
nity,  which  was  after  nightfall.  The  window  being 
open,  I  was  about  to  close  it. 

"No,"  said  Bob;  feebly,  "don't  close  it.  I  wish 
for  it,  having  heard  it  so  long."  He  referred,  I 
thought,  to  the  continuous  but  subdued  sounds 
of  a  great  city  after  sundown. 

"For  thirty  years,"  he  continued,  "I've  heard 
the  rough  sounds  of  city  life,  and  I  like  them. 
Have  the  birds  in  the  steeple  yet  gone  to  rest?" 
he  a  little  later  asked. 

I  answered  that  I  did  not  see  them  about. 

"No ;  they  have  gone  now,"  he  remarked.  I 
did  not  understand  his  meaning. 

"Couldn't  you  sleep?  It  will  rest  you,"  I  then 
said. 

"Yes,"  said  Bob,  "I  will  try  now,  for  I  know  that 
I  need  it,"  and  he  closed  his  eyes. 

Five  minutes  later  the  moon  rose  above  the 
distant  mountains,  and  as  its  beams  began  to 
stream  through  the  windows  they  fell  upon  a  form 
that  was  motionless.  At  the  same  moment  that 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  103 

it  began  to  rise  above  the  hills  I  heard  soft  strains 
of  music  stealing  upward  into  the  air  of  night. 
The  Frenchman  in  the  next  house,  of  whom  Bob 
had  spoken,  was  playing  an  accompaniment  to 
some  one  having  a  magnificent  tenor  voice,  who 
sang.  It  was  a  negro  melody  and  these  words  I 
caught:  "Oh,,  I've  lef  de  Ian'  ob  trubble ;  yes, 
I've  lef  de  Ian'  ob  sorrow,  an-n-n'  I've  started  out 
to  fin'  de  road  to  home." 

I  looked  at  Bob,  but  Bob  did  not  move.  I  spoke 
to  him,  but  he  did  not  hear.  The  moonlight  fell 
upon  a  face  which  was  statute-like.  He,  too,  had 
"lef  de  Ian'  of  trubble,  an'  had  started  out  to  fin' 
de  road  for  home." 


104  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

A    Dentist   Who,  with  the  Wife 

That  His  Instruments  Helped  to 

Win-Will  Be  at  the  Fair 


Poverty  sometimes  to  a  sensitive  mind,  is  like 
a  chain  to  a  sensitive  dog's  leg.  It  takes  away 
a  man's  better  feelings ;  he  drops  his  disguise  as 
an  angel — if  he,  wore  one ;  it  makes  him  worse 
than  ill  natured.  When  he  talks,  instead  of  talking 
as  if  his  words  had  been  first  sent  through  the 
rose  water  of  prosperity,  they  come  out  of  him  as 
does  a  dog  which  is  in  a  hole,  and  after  a  rat,  upon 
being  pulled  out  by  the  tail — snarling  and  growl 
ing;  he  is  malicious,  vindictive  and  ready  to  do 
any  desperate  deed.  Poverty  had  thrown  Dr. 
Pullholler  into  these  conditions,  and,  being  in  a 
desperate  frame  of  mind,  he  determined  to  marry. 
His  first  thought  was  of  suicide,  but  seeing  how 
cowardly  it  is,  when  you  become  your  own  en 
emy,  to  kill  yourself  without  giving  yourself  a 
chance  to  fight  back,  he  determined  that  mar 
riage  was  the  most  courageous  and  manly  re 
venge  on  himself,  and  adopted  it  instead.  We  are, 
in  saying  this,  reflecting  the  views  of  Dr.  Pull- 
holler;  for  if  the  views  of  any  other  man  were 
given  he  would  say  that  to  him  marriage  appeared 
in  the  light  of  the  most  blessed  of  states,  and 
that  he  would  gladly  resign  all  of  his  worldly  pos 
sessions,  and  all  of  his  hopes  of  future  contin- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  105 

gencies,  limited  or  unlimited,  for  the  privilege 
of  getting  married. 

Dr.  Pullholler  had  started  dentist  studios  in 
several  parts  of  the  city,  and  with  patience  waited 
for  patients  at  each  "studio,"  until  creditors  were 
no  longer  to  be  pacified  by  mere  offers  to  pull 
their  teeth  free  of  charge,  and  he  had  to  move. 
The  same  offer  was  made  to  the  people  who  took 
up  his  carpets  from  under  him,  which  he  had 
agreed  to  purchase  on  the  installment  plan. 

He  had  fitted  up  his  fourth  office  and  was  on 
the  eve  of  having  his  fourth  carpet  taken  up  from 
under  him,  and  already  he  saw  himself,  in  imagin 
ation,  like  Marius  amid  the  ruins  of  Carthage,  in 
his  office,  surrounded  by  scraps  of  old  paper,  the 
carpet  being  gone  and  dust  being  in  the  air,  while 
the  sunlight  sent  its  beams  through  it  with  any 
thing  but  a  cheerful  gleam.  In  consequence  of 
this  fact,  as  was  said  previously,  he  felt  utterly 
desperate,  remorseless,  vindictive  and  heartless. 
He  looked  at  the  gleaming  weapons  of  his  dental 
inquisition  and  he  wished  that  he  only  had  the 
whole  world  at  hand  to  torture.  It  is  in  such  mo 
ments  and  in  such  ideas  that  we  find  relief  from 
our  worst  afflictions.  It  is  in  such  ideas  that  we 
find  the  disguised  dawn  which  peeps  in  rapturous 
colors  above  the  horizon  of  our  long  night  of 
misfortune. 

He  had  for  months  been  making  love  to  Miss 
McTusk,  a  rich  coquette  of  thirty-five,  who  had 
made  his  poverty  more  unbearable  by  casting  him 
over  and  over  again,  and  all  in  a  moment,  from 
the  highest  heaven  of  hope  down  to  the  lowest 


106  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

deep  of  all  of  the  depths  of  darkness.  He  might 
have  made  others  suffer  when  seated  on  the  plush 
colored  throne  in  his  office ;  but,  as  a  coquette, 
she  had  given  many  a  wrench  and  twist  to  his 
feelings  which  made  him  suffer  more.  This  lady 
had,  in  the  days  when  he  was  well  enough  off  to 
indulge  in  objections,  what  seemed  to  him  a  very 
objectionable  poll  parrot  nose  and  a  habit,  which 
was  displeasing  to  Dr.  Pullholler,  of  dressing  in  a 
green  silk  bonnet  and  a  green  dress  of  a  vivid  poll 
parrot  hue.  Her  eyes  were  of  that  light  blue  color 
which  makes  the  glass  eyes  of  wax  dolls  so  attrac 
tive  in  appearance.  But  in  his  present  condition 
nothing  was  objectionable  to  him  but  the  one 
characteristic  from  which  the  lady  was  happily 
free,  and  that  was  the  only  weak  point  which  he 
saw  in  himself.  It  was  poverty. 

He  had  spoken  to  her  about  a  black  spot  on 
her  front  tooth ;  had  described  the  awful  conse 
quences  of  leaving  it  alone;  had  told  her  how 
much  would  be  added  to  her  personal  appearance 
if  it  was  removed;  and  had  told  her,  besides,  how 
much  he  would  feel  honored  if  she  would  only 
pick  him  out  of  the  "madding  crowd"  of  dentists 
as  the  man  to  remove  it.  But  all  people  are  sus 
picious  of  men  in  his  profession,  and  notwith 
standing  his  past  ardent  protestations  of  love  the 
lady  was  so  cruel  as  to  mistrust  him  when  he  as 
sured  her  that  the  sensation  produced  in  banish 
ing  the  slight  discoloration,  so  far  from  being  pain 
ful,  would  be  highly  soothing  and  as  enjoyable 
as  an  entertainment  given  for  that  special  pur 
pose.  She  had  at  last  consented  to  grant  the  fa- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  107 

vor  for  which  he  had  so  earnestly  pleaded,  in 
tending  thus  in  her  coquettish  way  to  raise  his 
hopes  high,  in  order  to  have  the  pleasure  of  dash 
ing  them  low  to  the  earth  again. 

As  a  new  idea  now  occurred  to  him  in  relation 
to  the  tooth,  he  called  on  her,  and  urged  her  to 
come  to  his  office  at  once,  as  he  had  a  prepara 
tion,  whose  properties  would  be  lost  by  time,  and 
he  wished  to  use  it  before  any  of  its  properties 
were  lost  by  evaporation.  An  ardent  lover  who 
is  persistent  will  make  an  impression  even  upon  a 
coquette.  Besides  having  love  to  inspire  him  Dr. 
Pullholler  had  poverty  to  put  spurs — and  very 
sharp  ones — to  the  heels  of  his  argument.  He  was 
thus  impelled  by  the  two  most  powerful  forces 
which  operate  on  the  human  mind  in  combina 
tion.  The  result  was  that  his  lady  love,  with  a 
simper,  consented;  and  he  had  the  pleasure  of  es 
corting  her  to  his  office. 

After  considerable  giggling  and  pouting,  Miss 
McTusk  took  her  seat  in  the  chair,  made  "sheeps' 
eyes"  at  him ;  gave  her  head  a  coquettish  toss  and 
waited  for  the  doctor  to  come  forward  with  his 
soothing  appliances.  It  was  not  long  before  he 
came  forward,  and  when  she  saw  on  his  face  the 
look  of  resolve,  superinduced  by  poverty,  and  in 
his  hand  the  deadly  instrument  of  torture  with  a 
steel  glitter  on  it,  as  deadly  as  the  gleam  in  the 
eye  of  the  cobra,  she  ceased  to  giggle  and  pout 
and  gave  utterance  to  a  heart-rending  shriek  of 
terror. 

"Be  calm!"  said  Dr.  Pullholler  as  he  played  a 
"tattoo"  on  each  successive  tooth  with  his  in- 


108  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

strument.  "But,"  said  the  coquette,  after  he  had 
withdrawn  his  instrument,  "you  are  only  going  to 
remove  the  speck  on  the  outside  of  the  front 
tooth?"  "You  never  know,"  said  the  doctor, 
"what  a  dentist  is  going  to  do  after  you  get  into 
his  chair,  until  he  has  done  it,"  and  he  fumbled 
among  his  instruments  until  he  found  the  one 
capable  of  doing  the  greatest  execution.  Hardly 
had  it  been  found  when  it  was  drumming  away 
and  skipping  and  hopping  from  tooth  to  tooth. 

She  was  just  wondering  how  things  were  going 
to  terminate  when  it  hopped  out  of  her  mouth, 
bearing  a  tooth  with  it.  The  doctor  waved  it  in 
triumph  in  the  air  while  the  lady  shrieked  an  ac 
companiment. 

"You  know  that,  with  my  love  for  you.  I 
wouldn't  hurt  you,"  he  said. 

"You  did  hurt  me,  and  you  don't  love  me !"  said 
the  lady  with  streaming  and  flashing  eyes. 

"I  do  love  you,"  said  the  doctor  reproachfully. 
"So  much  so,  that  if  you  will  accept  me  as  your 
husband,  I  will  be  your  devoted  slave  for  life." 

"Never!"  exclaimed  the  lady.  "If  you  treat  me 
this  way  now,  what  wouldn't  you  do  if  you  were 
married?" 

"It  is  all  for  your  own  good,  and  only  because 
of  my  abundant  love  for  you,"  said  the  doctor  as 
he  began  to  fumble  among  his  instruments  again. 

"What  are  you  doing  now?"  asked  Miss  McTusk 
with  a  look  of  terror. 

"Don't  be  alarmed,"  said  her  companion.  "It 
is  with  the  tenderest  feelings  that  I  shall  touch 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  109 

you,  so  I  won't  hurt  you.  With  my  love  for  you 
I  couldn't,  although  you  are  so  cruel  as  to  scorn 
me." 

"But  I  don't,"  said  the  coquette. 

"Do  you  love  me,  as  in  the  past  you  have  said 
that  you  did?"  asked  the  doctor. 

"More!"  shrieked  the  lady,  as  a  new  instru 
ment,  twisted  like  a  serpent  ready  to  strike,  raised 
its  glittering  head  above  the  horizon  of  her  vision. 

"Will  you  be  mine?"  asked  Dr.   Pullholler. 
"I'll  think  about  it,"  Miss  McTusk  answered. 

"Well,  then,  think  quick,"  said  the  doctor,  as 
his  instrument  prepared  to  strike. 

"I  do !"  said  the  lady,  drawing  back  with  a  shud 
der. 

"Do  what?"  asked  the  doctor.  "Will  you  be 
my  wife?" 

The  lady  hesitated.    The  instrument  approached. 

"I  will!"  she  shrieked. 

"Now?"  asked  the  doctor. 

"Whenever  you  like !"  she  screamed. 

"Sign  that!"  said  Dr.  Pullholler,  handing  her  a 
paper  stained  with  blood.  It  was  a  contract  of 
marriage.  He  placed  a  pen  in  her  hand  and  she 
signed  it. 

"We  are  now  husband  and  wife  under  the  laws 
of  the  State,"  said  Dr.  Pullholler;  "and,  as  my 
wife,  it  is  your  duty  to  love,  fear  and  obey  me ; 
and,  as  my  wife,  I  order  you  to  come  to  church 
with  me  and  get  married." 


110  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

After  the  peculiar  manner  in  which  she  had 
been  wooed  and  won,  Miss  McTusk  was  in  no 
frame  of  mind  to  resist;  and  the  doctor  with  his 
poverty  staring  him  in  the  face,  was  not  either  in 
a  frame  of  mind  to  meet  with  a  defeat.  She  saw 
this  and  obeyed  him ;  and  going  to  the  vestry  of  a 
neighboring  church,  the  minister  who  was  found 
there  made  them  man  and  wife. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  111 

How,  According   to  the   Colonel, 
Women  Can  Certainly  Be  Won 

Said  the  Colonel  to  his  young  friend :  "With  the 
occult  information  that  I  am  about  to  place  be- 
for  you,  in  regard  to  what  I  verily  believe  the 
Egyptians  must  have  meant  by  the  Sphinx;  name 
ly,  all  that  there  is  of  woman,  lying  back  of 
her  words  that  she  constantly  uses;  the  something 
that  she  either  will  not,  or  cannot  speak;  with  the 
information  that  I  am  about  to  give  you,  about 
our  eternal  and  everlasting  mystery,  woman,  you 
ought  certainly  be  able  to  win  your  lady  when 
ever  you  may,  falling  under  her  spell, — care  to. 

Mark  me  now  very  closely.  Woman  invariably 
is  a  variable  compound.  And  the  various  ele 
ments  of  this  extraordinary  compound  are  each 
curiosity.  Thus, — in  order  to  make  plain  this  prop 
osition,  to  make  use  of  the  language  of  algebra: 
If  curiosity  be  represented  by  "a,"  then  the  sum 
of  all  of  the  various  elements  of  curiosity  forming 
woman  may  be  represented  by  "a"  plus  "aa"  plus 
"aaa"— plus  "a"  to  the  Nth  power.  Each  element, 
as  you  will  perceive,  is  curiosity,  nevertheless  at 
various  times  in  a  different  degree  of  intensity,  and 
the  sum  total,  as  you  find  after  they  all  of  them 
have  been  multiplied  together  is  woman. 

Now  it  is  for  the  foregoing  cause  that,  when  a 
city  youth  comes  into  a  country  town,  the  young 
ladies  of  the  village  close  the  green  blinds  and  then 


u 


112  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

peep  between  the  shutters  in  order  to  find  out  ex 
actly  what  a  city  made  man  may  happen  to  be 
like.  As  can  readily  be  imagined,  curiosity  in  this 
instance  has  been  developed  almost  to  the  Nth 
power.  Had  one  of  their  unmarried  townsmen, 
on  the  other  hand,  happened  to  have  gone  along 
the  street,  curiosity,  not  having  been  raised  by  his 
proximity  to  one  of  its  higher  powers,  from  be 
hind  concealing  blinds,  bewitching  eyes  would  not 
have  made  of  him  a  study.  Catching  but  a  glimpse 
of  him  as  he  approached  "A,"  or  curiosity,  would 
not  have  been  raised  to  a  higher  degree;  and  in 
dicating  possibly  but  a  toss  of  the  head  and  a 
look  of  disdain,  might  even  have  been  indicated 
by  a  negative,  or — A,  carried,  in  possibly  one  or 
two  instances,  as  a  means  of  indicating  great  dis 
satisfaction,  even  below  her  freezing  point,  and 
down  to  the  Nth  degree. 

Woman,  although  to  the  unitiated  puzzles,  are, 
(because  of  the  various  degrees  of  curiosity,  so 
spoken  of,  out  of  which  they  have  been  created), 
themselves,  perhaps  more  than  any  man  ever  can 
become,  fond  of  puzzles.  Ever  are  they  craving, 
as  you  are  going  to  discover  after  you  have  become 
as  you  may  think,  lord  and  master  of  one  of  them, 
for  knowledge;  and  it  will  be  wholly  useless  for 
you  to  make  the  effort  to  keep  a  secret  from  your 
wife;  for  I  know,  having  tried  it;  and  I  candidly 
confess  that,  in  the  effort  I  have  failed.  Do  not 
even  strive  to  keep  from  giving  to  your  wife  some 
kind  of  an  account  of  what  the  ladies  have  worn 
at  a  dinner  party  at  which  you  have  been  pres 
ent.  Make,  even  though  it  be  a  bungling  one, 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  113 

some  kind  of  an  effort  to  describe  them.  After 
you  have  done  so,  without  much  further  disturb 
ance,  to  be  caused  by  any  kind  of  a  direct  exam 
ination,  you  may  be  permitted  to  sleep,  which 
otherwise  would  not  have  been  the  case.  You 
will  be  permitted  to  sleep  for  the  same  reason  that 
the  young  gentlemen  of  a  country  town  do  not 
arouse  greatly  the  curiosity  of  the  young  ladies  in 
it.  You  are  all  of  you  as  are  oranges  after  they 
have  been  squeezed;  are  as  was  Samson  after  his 
hair  had  been  taken  off.  No  longer  are  you  of 
any  interest.  Secrets  hold  you  not  any  longer. 
Upon  the  other  hand,  the  city  man  arouses  a 
burning  and  morbid  curiosity;  for  from  head  to 
foot  is  he  still,  to  the  feminine  nature,  a  great  big 
and  a  splendid  secret.  A  belle  of  the  village  will 
marry  him,  and  quickly  finding  him  out,  will  be 
able  to  forget  the  ennui  that  the  city,  when  he 
takes  her  to  it,  will  create,  by  joining  others  in 
some  organization  established  to  consider  thought 
called  "New," — but  to  become  weary,  when  she 
learns,  if  she  can  that  thought  that  is  not  old  and 
decrepit,  may  not,  ever  have  an  organization, — 
coming  not  from  organization,  but  ever  alone  and 
to  disorganize. 

"Now,"  continued  the  Colonel,  "if  you  wish  to 
enter  upon  a  course  that  will  win  for  you  your 
lady,  conceal  from  her  the  whole  of  your  past; 
by  keeping  your  mouth  shut  about  yourself,  tan 
talize  her  into  a  state  of  distraction;  and  you  will 
find  then  that  you  will  not  be  able  to  escape  her. 
You  have  observed  how  a  fine  colt,  with  his  nose 
against  his  master's  coat,  can  hardly  be  driven 


114  Within  the  Fair,— -Find  Them 

away  from  him  because  of  the  sugar  that  in  his 
coat  pocket  has  been  concealed.  It  can  prove  to 
be  the  same  with  you." 

The  youth  had  been  greatly  impressed  by  the 
explanation  of  these  mysteries  in  regard  to  sphinx- 
like  woman ;  and  he  could  have  been  found,  a  year 
later,  in  a  far  city  engaged  in  putting  his  knowl 
edge  into  practice.  A  young  Belle  of  Society  was 
caused,  after  a  short  time,  to  look  upon  him  to  be, 
in  some  vague  sort  of  way,  a  disconsolate  exile. 
Helping  to  form  such  a  picture,  was  his  complex 
ion  ;  his  hair,  of  a  hue  like  india  ink,  or  "raven," 
and  his  moustache,  waxed  at  the  ends,  protruding 
and  reaching  out  like  an  ocean  wave  when  it  is 
about  to  fall  and  then  run  far  up  the  beach.  Be 
sides  this  upon  his  countenance  was  worn  the  sad 
and  poetical  look  attributed  to  the  dreamer;  a 
look  loudly  of  troubles  heavy  and  hard  to  con 
ceal  ;  concealed  misery  of  some  strange  and  for 
eign  political  sort, — such  as  can  aid  in  making  im 
pressions  upon  any  romantic  young  lady's  heart. — 
speaking. 

The  dark  eye  of  the  young  woman,  who  already 
adored  him,  bore  in  it  deep  pity  for  him  whenever 
he  spoke,  which  (on  account  of  the  advice  that 
had  been  given  to  him),  was  but  seldom.  She  ob 
served  to  him  that  she  was  convinced  that  he  had 
gone  through  a  great  deal  and  wished,  with  all  of 
her  heart,  that  he  would  only  confide  what  had 
been  his  manifold  troubles  to  her;  but  he,  by  way 
of  reply,  merely  more  firmly  closed  his  lips,  and 
with  a  profounder  sadness  slowly  shook  his  head. 
This,  on  his  part  was  heartless  conduct;  for  it 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  115 

served  but  to  add  fuel  to  the  flame  of  "A,"  or 
curiosity,  up  to  the  Nth  power,  of  which  the  Colo 
nel  had  spoken.  As  a  consequence,  the  young  lady 
was,  as  it  were,  on  tip  toe,  in  her  readiness  to  say 
yes,  and  thereby  own  him  and  his  secret,  as  soon 
as  he  proposed  to  her  and  asked  of  her  her  hand. 

During  the  process  of  his  almost  silent  court 
ship,  there  had  all  the  time  been  a  rival,  whom  the 
successful  suitor  had  come  almost  to  overlook. 

Joshua  Rupert  was  the  name  of  the  Rival.  The 
young  lady's  father,  General  Crouch,  from  the 
beginning  had  been  in  his  favor.  For  the  General, 
long  accustomed  to  the  practice  of  scrutinizing 
checks  (he  being  a  banker),  had  closely  scrutinized 
also  the  face  of  the  young  man,  who  bore  about 
with  him  a  manner  of  mystery  that,  to  the  ordinary 
banker  serves  not  at  all  as  a  recommendation.  In 
fact,  because  of  this  mystery,  romantic  ideas  were 
not  permitted  to  find  in  the  banker's  head  a  place 
of  lodgement,  as  they  had  been  in  the  case  of  the 
daughter.  He  did  not  think  that  he  was  an  exile 
at  all ;  and,  if  he  had  done  so,  he  was  quite  as 
ready  as  would  have  been  any  other  man  to  sug 
gest  that  the  government  should  send  him  back 
to  the  country  from  which  he  came. 

That  the  serious  side  of  this  story  may  more 
quickly  appear,  let  us  at  once  say  that  both  the 
rival  and  his  friend,  the  father,  had  come  to  the 
conclusion  that  the  past  of  the  one  so  uncommu 
nicative  about  himself,  when  found  would  prove 
to  be  unsatisfactory  in  its  character.  The  rival 
going  a  step  farther  than  did  the  parent  in  the 
way  of  investigation,  made  use  of  his  month's  sal- 


116  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

ary,  to  employ  a  detective  to  find  out  what  it  had 
been.  Now,  as  human  beings  can  frequently  be 
mistaken  for  one  another,  in  the  rogues'  gallery  a 
picture  was  found  by  the  detective  of  a  forger, 
very  closely  resembling  the  young  man  who  was 
so  mysterious  about  himself.  The  father  of  the 
young  lady,  and  the  rival  at  once  together  under 
took  to,  and  succeeded,  much  to  his  astonishment, 
in  having  the  silent  one  arrested  and  thrown  into 
jail.  This,  in  so  far  as  the  hopes  of  the  rival 
were  concerned,  proved  to  be  a  fatal  step;  foi 
thereafter  upon  the  rival  the  young  lady  looked 
with  hatred,  and  upon  her  exile  as  more  than  an 
exile, — a  martyr  besides.  She  now  daily  visited 
him  at  his  jail,  and  took  to  him  flowers  by  the 
basketful.  She,  in  fact,  showed  him  as  much  at 
tention  as  was  shown  even  to  the  murderer  in  the 
next  cell  and,  at  his  request,  consented  that  the 
marriage  ceremony  should, — if  he  wished, — take 
place  in  his  cell.  It  was  arranged  that  it  should 
occur  immediately  upon  his  departure  from  the 
jail. 

The  reader  may  desire  to  know  how  it  was  that 
the  young  man  could  have  been  locked  in  the 
jail  when  no  complaint  had  been  filed,  no  warrant 
issued  against  him.  Simple  is  the  answer.  As  we 
have  of  late,  not  raised  a  protest  throughout  the 
land  whenever  such  a  thing  has  occurred,  even 
now,  within  this  liberty-loving  land,  that  has  her 
form  standing  at  our  gates  can  such  a  thing 
sometimes  happen. 

While  still  in  jail,  the  youth  finding  the  place 
to  be  one  of  monotony,  wrote  to  his  friend  whose 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  117 

advice  he  had  followed,  in  wooing.  The  Colonel 
wrote  back  that  he  was  overjoyed  to  learn  that 
he  had  been  locked  up  in  jail,  as  the  bonds  there 
by  established,  between  himself  and  the  lady  could 
never  be  broken.  He,  however,  sent  him  a  suffi 
cient  number  of  attested  documents  to  establish 
for  all  concerned  his  good  character.  He  was  at 
once  released.  When,  as  a  genuine  martyr  he 
marched  forth  from  the  prison,  the  young  lady 
weeping  on  his  arm,  his  rival  gave  up  hope;  and 
the  parent,  seeing  that  he  might  as  well  relent 
now  as  later  when  he  would  have  to,  did  so  with 
much  paternal  grace. 


118  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

The    Human    Feminine    Tortoise, 
Who,  in  a  Race,  Outran  the  Hare 

No  doubt  history  has  reached  its  second  child 
hood,  for  it  is  in  the  habit  of  repeating  itself.  The 
following  is  to  be  another  case  of  the  tortoise  and 
the  hare.  The  tortoise,  in  this  case,  had  a  fringe 
of  small  brown  curls  about  her  forehead,  deep- 
sunken  eyes,  which  were  large  and  dark ;  hollow 
cheeks,  a  thin  nose,  of  the  color  of  wax;  a  broad, 
straight  mouth  beneath  it,  and  a  chin  almost  as 
broad.  This,  I  say,  was  the  tortoise.  The  body 
of  the  tortoise  was  not  strong,  she  was  not  tall; 
had  a  wearied  look,  and  she  wore  in  her  eyes 
an  expression  which  seemed  to  indicate  a  desire 
to  cling  to  something — a  desire  to  have  a  mas 
sive  oak  of  a  man  to,  as  it  were,  have  her  branches 
grow  about;  as  an  intellectual  lord  for  her — a  man 
of  massive  brain  and  giant  brawn.  While  cling 
ing  to,  and  looking  up  into  the  face  of  a  Samson 
of  a  kind  such  as  this, — a  great  giant  in  brain 
and  brawn,  who  had  not  obtained  his  desserts 
from  the  world,  those  deep  and  ivy-hued  and  sun 
ken  eyes  would  make  a  speech  without  words,  to 
that  effect,  to  the  human  oak. 

The  hare  had  been  created  after  another  pat 
tern.  She  had  a  high  forehead;  kinky  and  short 
cut  hair,  of  the  beautiful  color  of  "fool's  gold"; 
large  eyes,  between  blue  and  gray  in  color;  a  nose 
almost  straight,  but  very  slightly  bowed  outwards; 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  119 

rosy  lips  and  cheeks ;  teeth  like  pearls ;  a  "get  thee 
behind  me,  Satan,"  expression  of  countenance  for 
the  benefit  of  young  adorers,  who  were  graciously 
permitted,  nevertheless,  to  look  from  a  distance 
at  this  goddess.  Such  was  the  hare. 

As  the  tortoise  and  the  hare  have  both  been 
described,  we  will  next  proceed  to  show  how  his 
tory  repeats  itself.  But  before  so  doing  the  goal 
must  first  be  described.  The  goal  was  a  rancher, 
aged  thirty-eight,  with  a  shock  of  hair  which 
was  almost  as  shocking  as  were  some  of  his  hab 
its — that  is  to  say,  shocking  to  the  intensely  exact 
in  those  great  things  to  little  men, — matters  of 
etiquette.  Burbank,  the  name  of  the  goal,  was, 
and  this  goal  had  that  which,  with  these  small 
men,  overrides  or  alters  their  matters  of  etiquette. 
He  possessed  vast  wealth.  He  could,  therefore, 
eat  his  meals  with  a  knife  having  attached  to  the 
handle  a  blade  sharper  even  than  is  "a  serpent's 
tooth,"  if  he  felt  so  disposed, — notwithstanding 
etiquette.  He  might  pick  his  teeth  with  a  hay 
fork  or  even  a  hand-saw,  if  he  wished  to ;  and  he 
could  wear  his  shock  of  hair  as  long  as  he  wished 
to  wear  it,  without  a  shock. 

This  was  the  state  of  affairs  when  Miss  Med- 
way,  the  tortoise,  and  Miss  Spencer,  the  hare,  be 
gan  their  notable  run  for  the  goal.  Of  course, 
the  hare  at  first  shot  ahead.  Her  mother  gave 
teas  and  euchre  parties,  and  all  sorts  of  parties,  to 
which  the  gentleman  with  the  hair  was  invited. 
But  the  hare,  like  the  hare  of  old,  when  close  to 
the  goal  would  rest.  She  would  rest  and  pose  in 
a  large  arm-chair  and  while,  in  response  to  what 


120  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

he  said,  she  gave  utterance  at  times  to  a  yawn, 
she  would  look  straight  down  at  the  goal  with  a 
look  of  contempt.  This  a  good  deal  disheartened 
the  goal  and  led  him  to  feel  like  getting  up  and 
planting  himself  farther  away.  The  goal  had 
large,  hairy,  freckled  and  bony  hands;  and  the 
eyes  of  the  young  lady  were  so  constantly  fixed 
upon  them  with  a  meditative  look  that  these  ap 
pendages  of  his  appeared  to  become  nervous,  and 
seemed  anxiously  to  wish  to  hide  themselves. 

The  mother  of  Miss  Spencer  noticed  this  con 
duct  on  the  part  of  her  daughter;  and  as  she 
was  herself  working  like  a  conscientious  day  la 
borer  to  bring  about  a  marriage  between  the 
daughter  and  this  very  rich  young  man,  she  was 
displeased  with  the  apathy  of  her  child. 

"Have  you  any  fault  to  find  with  him?"  she 
inquired. 

"Oh,  mamma!"  said  the  young  lady,  "do  leave 
me  alone." 

"But,  my  child,"  responded  her  mother,  "such 
opportunities  are  not  quite  as  plentiful  as  grains 
of  wheat." 

"I  can  marry  him  just  whenever  I  please,"  re 
sponded  the  young  lady,  "and  he'd  crawl  all 
around  the  house  on  his  hands  and  knees  and  beg 
for  the  chance.  So  there!" 

"You  know  the  old  maxim,  my  daughter,  about 
counting  your  chickens  before  they  are  hatched?" 

"Oh,  mamma,  now  why  will  you?  Besides  he's 
no  chicken.  There,  now!  be  a  good  mamma,  and 
I'll  marry  him  soon.  So  don't  look  so  blue,  you 
good,  dear  old  thing  you!"  and  she  kissed  her 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  121 

mother  on  the  cheek  with  the  report  of  a  small 
boy's  toy  pistol. 

In  the  meantime  the  poor  tortoise,  who  had  no 
mother  to  help  her;  the  tortoise  who  was  not  like 
the  hare — as  beautiful  as  an  angel — but,  on  the 
contrary,  was  more  inclined  apparently  to  be  as 
ugly  as  sin,  had  made  gradual  and  slow  but  sure 
progress.  She  had  told  the  goal  how  lonely  she 
was, — how  utterly  unprotected;  how  she  envied 
girls  who  had  brothers  like  giants,  with  hard  com 
mon  sense;  brothers  to  look  up  to;  brothers  to 
slave  for;  brothers  to  worship.  She  then  described 
the  man,  like  an  oak  tree,  that  she  could  cherish 
and  worship ;  and  while  she  did  so,  a  thrill  of  self- 
satisfaction  ran  through  the  head  which  had  a 
shock  upon  it.  For  Burbank  felt  that  he  and  that 
brother  described  by  her  might  have  been  mis 
taken  for  each  other  at  least  ten  times  in  one 
day.  Another  thing  which  pleased  him  much,  in 
the  tortoise,  was  the  fact  that  she  seemed  oblivious 
of  his  hands  and  his  feet;  while  with  those  deep 
set,  and  speaking  eyes,  she  looked  up  and  only 
into  his  own. 

She  did  not  believe  in  men  of  education,  she 
remarked,  without  lungs  or  chests.  She  believed 
in  noblemen  of  nature  who,  having  been  educated 
by  the  mountain  breezes,  were  made  of  brawn 
and  had  lungs,  and  to  spare.  He  in  this  agreed 
with  her  fully.  He  had  a  chest  of  which  he 
was  and  she  might  be  proud.  He  was  surprised 
to  see  in  fact,  how  much  their  ideas  were  alike. 

In  the  meantime  the  hare  continued  to  scorn 
him,  but,  having  found  a  very  good  substitute  for 


122  Within  the   Fair,— Find  Them 

her,  the  goal  would  stand  contempt  no  longer. 
He  told  the  tortoise  of  his  visits  to  the  hare,  and 
of  her  looks  of  contempt.  This  caused  the  tor 
toise  to  gaze  back  at  him  with  so  much  of  en 
raptured  admiration  in  her  eyes  that  he  could  not 
resist  the  sudden  impulse  that  came  over  him  to 
fall  on  his  knees  before  her  and  did  so. 

It  was  thus  that  the  tortoise  outstripped  the 
hare ;  that  the  goal  had  been  won ;  that  history 
again  had  been  repeated. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  123 

The  Man  of  an  Accomplished  Am 
bition  Who  Will  Be  at  the  Fair 

Mr.  Tellship  was  a  young  man  possessed  of 
two  burning  ambitions ;  one  to  become  a  butcher, 
and  the  other  to  gain  the  hand  of  Mrs.  Rose  Sedg- 
wick  in  marriage.  His  first  ambition,  which  he 
carried  with  him  during  his  early  manhood,  both 
in  meditations  by  day  and  in  dreams  by  night, 
came  to  be  at  last  happily  accomplished ;  and  as  with 
an  apron  stained  by  mutton  chops  and  choice 
steaks,  cleaver  in  hand  he  stood  before  the  marble- 
topped  counter,  between  the  two  blocks,  in  front 
of  his  shining  scales,  he  seemed  to  be  happy;  and  if 
not,  as  he  supposed,  the  "observed  of  all  observ 
ers,"  at  least  firmly  fixed  in  the  pleasing  delusion 
that  he  was  so. 

But  the  other  ambition  was  not  one  so  easy  of 
accomplishment;  for  the  obstacles  in  the  road 
which  runs  through  the  valley  of  true  love  to  ter 
minate  at  the  shore  of  the  ocean  of  matrimonial 
bliss,  were  many  and  were  various ;  and  Mr.  Tell 
ship  happened  to  be  his  own  chief  obstacle. 

He  was  bold  enough  as  a  butcher,  and  could 
cut  up  chops  with  a  courage  worthy  of  remark, 
but  as  a  lover  he  was,  alas!  a  coward.  When  he 
made  love,  the  boldness  which  sustained  him 
while  making  sausage  or  skewering  a  roast  van 
ished  into  thin  air  and  left  him  with  a  palpitating 
heart  and  no  more  stamina  than  is  possessed  by 


124  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

an  ordinary  mortal;  or,  to  speak  more  exactly,  not 
by  any  means  as  much. 

The  love  which  was  penetrating  his  heart's  core 
and  burning  his  life  to  ashes,  was  for  the  Mrs. 
Sedgwick  referred  to;  a  little  widow  with  blue  eyes 
who  made  a  living  by  raising  canary  birds  for 
the  market.  Besides  this,  she  had  a  small  assist 
ing  income  from  the  accumulations  of  a  deceased 
grocer,  whose  memory  she  cherished  by  keeping 
his  picture  in  a  brooch  at  her  neck. 

Mr.  Tellship  had  an  idea  that  a  lady  who  lived 
by  raising  canaries  was  perhaps  too  high  up  in 
society  to  be  courted  otherwise  than  by  surrepti 
tious  glances,  and  from  a  distance,  as  she  was  on 
her  way  to  purchase  bird  seed,  or  passed  his  shop 
on  Sundays  to  church.  For  many  months  he 
continued  in  this  frame  of  mind;  and  although 
his  lovemaking  was  conducted  with  the  greatest 
ardor,  and  in  the  most  frantic  of  the  various  styles 
adopted  by  lovers — if  we  may  so  express  ourselves 
— the  lady  remained  as  unconscious  of  his  wasted 
energies  in  that  direction  as  could  be  a  babe  un 
born.  His  passion  was  a  flower  whose  sweet 
ness  was,  as  it  were,  wasted  upon  the  desert  air. 

And  how  could  she  be  aware  of  his  love  when 
the  evidence  of  it  consisted  in  watching  the  side 
of  her  house  for  hours  after  dark,  and  being  tak 
en,  in  consequence,  by  passing  night  watchmen 
for  a  burglar,  who,  dreading  accomplices,  worked 
alone?  How  could  she  be  aware  of  it  when  an 
other  proof  of  his  passion  consisted  merely  in  a 
change  in  the  tunes  which  he  practiced  on  his  con 
certina  from  comic  to  sentimental,  and  a  change 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  125 

of  his  habit  of  neglecting  church  to  one  of  ex 
treme  religious  devotion?  Quick  as  the  other  sex 
may  be  in  recognizing  the  signs  of  true  love,  can 
any  one  blame  the  little  widow  for  showing  noth 
ing  but  coldness  to  these  indefinite  advances? 

But  Mrs.  Sedgwick  had  her  attention  other 
wise  engaged.  The  canary  birds  took  up  part 
of  her  time,  and  a  gentleman  having  auburn  side 
whiskers  the  rest.  That  gentleman  was  Mr.  Thom 
as  Thompson,  a  genial  undertaker,  who  was  not 
too  proud  to  drive  his  own  hearse,  which  he  did 
with  the  manners  of  a  Chesterfield;  and  about 
this  time  he  developed  a  burning  curiosity  about 
canary  birds,  which  it  was  so  difficult  to  satisfy 
that  even  daily  visits  to  Mrs.  Sedgwick's  little 
dwelling  were  insufficient  for  the  purpose. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  Mr.  Tellship, 
who  had  an  alert  mind,  took  very  particular  notice 
of  these  visits,  and  was  aware  of  this  curiosity; 
and  when  it  is  said  that  Mr.  Thomas  Thompson, 
being  unaware  of  Mr.  Tellship's  burning  ardor, 
increased  and  aggravated  it  by  always  passing 
his  shop  when  on  his  way  to  make  them,  the 
state  of  Mr.  Tellship's  mind  can  be  imagined. 
He  abandoned  comic  and  sentimental  tunes,  which 
he  had  until  now  practiced  on  his  concertina,  and 
substituted  compositions  of  his  own,  wild,  weird, 
barbaric  and  bloodthirsty  in  tone ;  airs  which  seem 
ed  to  fill  the  circumambient  heaven  with  imaginary 
butcher  knives,  saws  and  cleavers,  intended,  if 
the  intonation  of  the  instrument  be  rightly  in 
terpreted,  to  turn  the  body  of  Mr.  Thomas  Thomp 
son  into  sausages  and  human  chops. 


126  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

As  Mr.  Thompson  progressed  with  the  canary 
birds  Mr.  Tellship  became  in  his  gloom  Byronic, 
and  had  indistinct  fancies  in  his  mind  of  a  few 
things  that  a  young  man  of  his  character  and  vigor 
might  later  on  come  to  be  up  and  doing  to  one 
called  Thompson.  It  was  while  these  fancies  were 
coming  thick  and  fast  to  his  mind  that,  gazing 
one  day  at  the  books  in  the  window  of  a  store 
without  seeing  them,  he  heard  one  of  two  men 
remark  to  the  other  that  the  book  in  the  win 
dow  which  professed  to  point  out  the  way  by 
which  a  courtship  could  be  carried  to  a  success 
ful  termination  was  a  good  one.  Mr.  Tellship, 
feeling  the  need  of  such  a  guide  if  it  really  was 
such,  stepped  into  the  store  and  purchased  the 
book.  Taking  it  home,  he  read  it  to  find  that  the 
author  was  profoundly  impressed  with  the  belief 
that  while  love  potions,  music  and  poetry  were 
excellent  in  their  way,  and  aided  greatly  in  love 
making,  presents  were  far  above  them  in  value, 
and  would  win  any  woman. 

Mr.  Tellship  adopted  the  hint  and  purchased  a 
watch  charm  and,  after  writing  "from  T.  T."  on 
the  outside  of  the  package,  he  left  it,  after  dark, 
on  the  window  sill  of  his  sweetheart's  room.  He 
also  ordered  his  errand  boy,  after  enjoining  strict 
secrecy  upon  him,  to  leave  a  roast  on  Mrs.  Sedg- 
wick's  back  steps  whenever  the  lady  was  away  from 
home.  In  the  meantime  he  himself  continued  to 
leave  presents  on  the  window  sill. 

The  result  was  that  Mrs.  Sedgwick  began  to  be 
lieve  that  she  either  lived  in  fairyland,  or  that  the 
dear  fellow,  "T.  T."— which  she  interpreted  as 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  127 

Thomas  Thompson — was  the  most  ardent  of  all 
ardent  adorers.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  she  was 
as  much  in  the  dark  in  regard  to  the  real  T.  T. 
as  critics  are  in  regard  to  the  identity  of  the  T.  T. 
of  Shakespeare's  sonnets. 

Believing,  from  the  fact  that  the  presents  were 
left  on  the  window  sill,  and  the  roasts  only  when 
she  was  absent  from  home,  that  Mr.  Thomas 
Thompson  did  not  wish  because  of  modesty,  not 
otherwise  apparent,  to  have  any  direct  reference 
made  to  these  gifts,  Mrs.  Sedgwick,  when  with  him, 
only  referred  to  them  in  the  vaguest  manner. 

One  evening,  while  Mr.  Tellship  stood  in  front 
of  the  house  in  which  the  widow  lived,  watching 
the  smiling  faces  of  the  widow  and  Mr.  Thomas 
Thompson  reflected  on  the  blind,  and  meditated 
over  the  subject  of  steaks  dipped  in  aqua  regia 
for  delivery  to  Mr.  Thompson,  the  widow,  speak 
ing  to  the  undertaker  said : 

"I    received   another   token   today." 

"A  roast?"  asked  Mr.  Thompson,  determined  to 
humor  her;  for  he  had  come  to  the  conclusion 
that  her  vague  references  were  merely  a  piece  of 
pleasantry. 

"Oh,  no;  a  bracelet." 

"Marked  T.  T.?"  asked  Mr.  Thompson. 

"Yes,"    replied    the    widow. 

"Ha !  ha !"  Mr.  Thompson  cried,  throwing  a 
clear  cut  shadow  of  two  rows  of  teeth  on  the 
curtain  for  the  careful  scrutiny  of  Mr.  Tellship; 
an  act  which  caused  the  latter  to  rush  back  and 
forth  until  for  the  third  time  that  night  he  nearly 
knocked  over  the  night  watchman. 


128  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

The  night  watchman,  being  this  time  greatly 
angered,  and  taking  him  for  a  would-be  burglar, 
fired  a  shot  which  carried  away  a  lock  of  Mr. 
Tellship's  hair.  A  number  of  young  men  who 
had  been  serenading  their  sweethearts  with  ac- 
cordeons  and  harmonicas,  took  both  men  into 
custody.  The  next  morning  the  matter  was 
brought  up  in  court.  Mr.  Tellship  was  the  first 
witness,  but  he  bore  his  trials  like  a  Spartan, 
and  suffered  for  contempt  for  refusing  to  give  tes 
timony;  but  when  his  errand  boy  was  put  on  the 
stand  the  story  came  out. 

The  result  was  that  the  mystery  of  the  beef 
steaks  and  roasts  and  of  the  presents  left  on  the 
window  sill  of  the  widow's  house  made  the  next 
day  sensational  articles  for  the  two  town  papers. 

And  here  was  shown  the  majesty  and  power  of 
the  press.  The  whole  community  accepted  Mr. 
Tellship  as  the  lover  of  Mrs.  Sedgwick,  and  the 
only  one  entitled  to  stand  in  that  relation  to  her, 
and,  with  a  good  natured  smile,  gazed  towards 
the  widow's  front  door,  expecting  to  see  him  en 
tering  and  departing. 

When  instead  they  saw  the  Chesterfieldian 
Thompson  entering  the  community  frowned.  Pub 
lic  sentiment  grew  strong  on  the  subject.  Watched 
by  the  Argus-eyed  public,  even  jeered  at  by  the 
youthful  element,  which  felt  strong  with  public 
sentiment  behind  it>  Mr.  Thompson  in  time  came 
to  think  that  something  was  not,  perhaps,  going  to 
be. 

Feeling  the  same  powerful  sentiment  in  his  fa 
vor,  Mr.  Tellship's  courage  rose.  Not  many  can 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  129 

stand  against  public  sentiment  when  that  sentiment 
is  a  unit  and  for  the  right.  Mr.  Tellship  did  not, 
the  widow  did  not,  and  Mr.  Thomas  Thompson 
did  not.  Besides,  the  widow  had  lost  all  interest 
in  Mr.  Thomas  Thompson  when  she  saw — or  be 
lieved  she  saw  —  that  he  had  accepted  the  credit 
gained  by  the  presents  given  by  another.  In  the 
end  Mr.  Thompson  abandoned  his  visits  (doubt 
less  having  learned  all  that  could  be  learned  about 
canary  birds),  and  Mr.  Tellship,  who  had  become 
personally  acquainted  with  the  lady  to  whom  he 
had  long  made  love  on  the  concertina  took  his 
place.  Need  we  say  that  the  climax  was  reached 
when  a  minister  of  the  gospel  pronounced  the  two 
one,  and  public  sentiment  was  satisfied. 


130  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

The  Night  of  Misadventures  of  a 
Man  Who  Will  Be  at  the  Fair 

My  name  is  Brown.  As  I  get  married  at  the 
end  of  this  recital,  and  as  people  who  get  mar 
ried  are — especially  in  the  eyes  of  women — people 
who  constitute  subjects  of  interest,  I  mention 
it  at  once.  Don't  forget  it — it's  Brown.  By  re 
membering  that  I  am  neither  a  Black  nor  White, 
nor  Green,  you  can  know  that  I  am  Brown.  As 
my  marriage  has  proved  to  be  the  most  serious 
step  taken  in  my  life,  I  make  mention  of  it  also, 
both  for  my  own  benefit  and  that  of  the  reader. 

I  have  a  friend  who  owns  a  seed  store,  who  pos 
sesses,  as  far  as  my  observation  goes,  a  marve 
lous  faculty  for  never  selling  his  seeds ;  for  I  have 
never  seen  him  sell  even  a  grain  of  mustard  seed, 
as  you  know,  the  least,  among  seeds.  Well,  as 
I  was  just  about  to  remark,  I  went  to  see  my 
friend  a  few  years  ago — at  the  time  at  which  this 
story  opens — expecting  to  see  him  standing,  as 
usual,  in  the  doorway  of  his  place  of  business, 
while  disposing  of  his  seeds  by  the  only  method 
which  I  have  known  him  to  adopt — that  is  to  say, 
by  standing  there  and  eating  them — when  I  was 
surprised  to  find  the  doorway  vacant. 

I  discovered  inside  of  the  store  a  small  man 
whose  cheeks  were  red,  behind  whose  ear  was  a 
pen,  perched  on  a  high  stool  at  a  desk  and  half 
concealed  from  view  by  the  darkness  in  the  back 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  131 

of  the  store.  After  half  falling,  half  springing 
from  his  stool,  he  rushed  up  to  me,  and  while 
rubbing  his  hands  he  said:  "Seeds?" 

"Where  is  Mr.  Burton?"  I  asked,  referring  to 
the  proprietor. 

"I'll  do  just  as  well,  Seeds,"  he  answered. 

"No,   you   won't,"   said    I. 

"Yes,"  he  replied,  "I  will." 

"Ah,  will  you?"  exclaimed  I,  somewhat  aston 
ished  at  the  persistence  of  the  manikin. 

"Just  as  well,"  said  he,  rubbing  his  hands  hard 
er  than  ever. 

"Then,"  said  I,  you  may  lend  me  $50." 

He  ceased  to  rub  his  hands.  My  remark 
was  one  calculated  to  dampen  the  ardor  of  even 
the  oldest  friend.  Then,  while  something  resem 
bling  a  look  of  recognition  came  over  his  face, 
he  reached  down  into  his  pocket  for  $50,  which 
he  handed  to  me.  At  my  look  of  surprise,  he 
heartily  laughed. 

"It's  been  explained,"  he  said.  "I'm  Burton's 
brother-in-law.  He  told  me  how  to  recognize  you, 
as  the  man  who  would  call  for  $50  by  a  straw 
berry  mark,  which  I  didn't  see  at  first,  or  else 
I  wouldn't  have  spoken  about  seeds." 

It  struck  me  that  Burton  might  have  chosen 
a  method  of  identification  which  savored  less  of 
fairy  tales,  or  of  the  times  of  knight  errantry. 

I  was  about  to  go  to  one  of  the  interior  towns 
of  the  state,  and  to  my  astonishment  the  manikin 
who  told  me  that  his  name  was  Wellington  Zig- 
ger  said  that  he  was  going  with  me.  Although 
our  acquaintanceship  had  extended  over  a  period 


132  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

of  but  fifty  seconds.  I  remembered  his  loan,  and 
made  no  objection. 

It  was  then  winter  time,  and  at  6  o'clock,  while 
being  whirled  on  the  train  to  our  destination,  it 
was  already  dark.  Mr.  Zigger  and  I  were  seated 
together  but  a  short  distance  from  the  front  end 
of  the  car.  We  were,  by  the  time  table,  to  reach 
our  destination  at  7  o'clock.  Mr.  Zigger  had  half 
covered  himself  and  myself  with  bundles  which, 
for  some  mysterious  reason,  he  was  taking  with 
him.  We  had  been  on  the  cars  an  hour  and  a 
half  when  examining  my  watch  I  observed  that 
it  was  a  quarter  to  7.  During  the  hour  and  a  half 
Mr.  Zigger  had  been  in  an  unbroken  state  of  re 
verie,  into  which  he  had  fallen.  At  a  quarter  to 
7  a  deep  sigh,  followed  by  a  movement  under  the 
bundles,  led  me  to  believe  that  the  reverie  had 
come  to  an  end. 

From  that  time  on,  instead  of  being  a  man  in  a 
reverie,  Mr.  Zigger  reminded  me  more  of  a  mon 
key  on  a  spring  board.  He  kept  rushing,  at  short 
intervals,  to  the  door,  which  he  held  open  long 
enough  to  chill  the  passengers  and  get  his  eyes 
filled  with  the  cinders,  which,  after  concealing 
himself  again  beneath  the  bundles,  he  would  pro 
ceeded  to  extract  from  them.  After  the  first 
three  or  four  visits  to  the  door,  he  began  to  give 
utterance  to  childish  cries,  which  I  at  first  attrib 
uted  to  the  cinders,  but  which  later  on  proved  to 
have  been  cries  of  delight.  I  discovered  soon 
that  these  cries  were  uttered  only  when  houses, 
having  lights  shining  in "  their  windows,  were 
passed. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  133 

In  time  he  began  to  point  these  houses  out  to 
me  as  the  houses  in  which  "She"  lived.  We  passed, 
in  succession,  six  at  least,  of  these  houses  in 
which  she  lived.  I  did  not  know  who  "She"  was ; 
but  was  glad  to  learn,  first,  that  "She"  was  such 
an  extensive  property  owner,  and  second,  that  she 
possessed  in  addition  the  somewhat  remarkable 
faculty  of  being  able  to  live  in  six  houses  at  once. 

The  train  stopped  and  the  lights  of  six  hacks 
were  noticed,  and  the  eloquent  voices  of  six  men 
who  said  "Whants  a'ack?"  showed  us,  as  I  thought 
that  our  journey  was  at  an  end  and  that  my  stom 
ach,  which  was  making  an  outcry  for  that  kind  of 
satisfaction  which  outraged  stomachs  will  demand, 
was  about  to  be  pacified.  But  no.  My  friend, 
with  his  form  curved  backward  beneath  the  weight 
of  the  armful  of  packages  which  he  bore  in  front 
of  him,  pushed  me  into  a  hack,  threw  his  pack 
ages  on  top  of  me,  and,  after  giving  directions  in 
a  tremulous  voice  to  the  driver,  himself  fell  in 
upon  the  top  of  his  bundles. 

"Are  you  going  to  a  distant  hotel?"  I  asked 
with  astonishment. 

"Going  to  see  her,"  he  responded. 

"And  where  does  she  live?"  I  then  asked. 

"Oh,  only  just  six  miles  out,"  he  answered. 

Now  this  was  more  than  I  was  willing  to  stand, 
even  on  her  account;  so  I  ran  my  neck  out  of  the 
hack  window  and  was  about  to  tell  the  driver, 
in  the  tone  of  a  hungry  man,  to  drive  me,  with 
the  small  lunatic  inside,  to  the  nearest  hotel.  Mr. 
Zigger,  however,  pulled  me  back  by  the  coat 
tails  and  said: 


134  Within  the   Fair,— -Find  Them 

"But  I'm  engaged  to  her." 

"Well,"  said  I,  "I'm  not;  and.  although  your 
engagement  may  make  you  lose  your  appetite, 
mine  remains  almost  feverish." 

"Tut,  tut,"  Mr.  Zigger  answered,  "I  intend  this 
as  a  treat." 

"How  do  you  mean?"  I  asked,  not  all  all  see 
ing  the  pleasurable  part  of  his  entertainment. 

"I  telegraphed  up  to  her  we  were  coming  to 
dinner,"  he  said. 

Stepping  upon  his  toes  I  climbed  back  into  a 
corner  of  the  hack,  where  I  reclined,  with  the  de 
termination  to  make  the  best  of  a  bad  situation. 

We  drew  up  in  front  of  an  orchard,  having  a 
farm  house  behind  it.  The  light  of  the  hack 
showed  me  a  handsome  young  girl  standing  at  the 
gate.  We  had  hardly  stopped  when  Mr.  Zigger, 
after  his  fashion,  fell  out  with  his  bundles  and 
was,  as  I  thought,  about  to  take  her  in  his  arms, 
when  he  drew  suddenly  back. 

"Jennie    Grunstadt — you?"   he   said. 

"Yes, — Sophy's  at  my  house,"  was   the  reply. 

"You  get  out  here,  Mr.  Zigger  said,  turning  to 
me,  "and  I'll  drive  after  her." 

Because  of  Mr.  Zigger's  excited  conduct  on  the 
train  my  curiosity  had  been  aroused  about  "her," 
so  I  answered : 

"No,  my  dear  Zigger;  look  after  your  bundles. 
They  need  your  attention.  I'll  go  after  her." 

Without  caring  or  waiting  to  hear  an  argu 
ment,  the  driver,  who  had  doubtless  visions  of  a 
dinner  waiting  for  him  at  his  home,  started  his 
horses  at  once  and  drove  to  the  next  farm  house. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  135 

I  explained  to  Sophy  when  she  came  out  to  the 
hack  that  her  peculiar  lover  had  sent  me  after 
her.  This  evidently  led  her  to  believe  that  he 
was  as  peculiar  as  I  considered  him  to  be. 

Miss  Merwin — I  afterward  learned  her  name  to 
be, — was  a  charming  young  lady.  Whether  dur 
ing  our  ride  back  in  the  hack  she  found  me  a 
charming  companion  or  not,  I  need  not  say,  as 
modesty  will  not  permit  me  to  say  that  of  which 
I  am  convinced. 

Upon  entering  the  dining  room  on  our  return, 
I  think  that  instead  of  doing  justice  I  may  say 
with  perhaps  more  truth  that  I  did  injustice  to 
the  roast  of  beef.  I  managed,  also,  without  great 
effort  to  conceal  some  of  the  other  viands  beneath 
my  vest. 

We  adjourned  after  dinner  to  the  sitting  room. 
The  walls  of  this  room  were  made  of  boards, 
which  were  painted  pink.  The  ceiling  was  low. 
Opposite  the  mantel  piece  stood  a  clock,  in  a  ma 
hogany  case,  having  inside  of  it  at  the  end  of  a 
long  cord  a  brass  weight.  On  the  walls,  in  frames 
which  were  made  of  straws,  were  photographs  of 
relatives,  and  ancestors  of  the  family,  to  whom, 
if  they  were  males,  the  photographer  had  given 
the  aspects  of  cutthroats,  and  when  females,  an 
idea  of  pokers  down  their  backs  was  conveyed 
by  the  artist.  Doubtless  to  display  a  family  like 
ness, — the  eyes  of  all  were  crossed.  A  lounge, 
sunken  in  several  places  where  the  springs  were 
gone,  was  under  the  clock;  a  sewing  machine,  with 
a  "work  basket"  on  top  of  it,  by  the  window; 
a  dappled  rocking  horse  in  the  corner,  and  rag 


136  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

carpets  were  on  the  floor  which  was  no  longer 
level. 

A  lean  old  gentleman,  bald-headed,  and  wearing 
slippers, — who,  with  his  thin  lips  closed,  was  con 
stantly  chewing  something, —  proved  to  be  Miss 
Merwin's  father,  and  a  stout  lady,  who  may  have 
been  bald,  as  well,  her  mother.  A  number  of 
children  were  the  recipients  of  the  presents  which 
Mr.  Zigger  had  brought  in  his  boxes. 

Our  elders  soon  betook  themselves,  with  kind 
ly  forethought,  to  their  night  caps,  and  to  bed; 
and,  notwithstanding  the  consequent  outcry,  Miss 
Merwin  hurriedly  wedged  the  children  into  their 
cribs. 

We  commenced  the  evening  then  by  playing 
whist.  At  this  game  the  ladies  of  course  cheated 
so  openly  that  the  gentlemen,  as  is  usual,  tired 
soon  of  the  amusement.  Mr.  Zigger  then  told  the 
fortunes  of  the  ladies  and  played  a  few  tricks  for 
their  edification  with  the  cards,  and  after  that 
started  a  conversation  upon  the  subject  of  travel 
ing. 

"You  have  traveled  a  good  deal  yourself,  Mr. 
Zigger."  observed  Miss  Grunstadt;  and  she  called 
my  attention  to  the  remark  by  tapping  my  most 
cherished  corn  forcibly  with  the  sole  of  her  shoe. 
The  expressive  face  which  I  made  led  her  to  be 
lieve  that  I  had  seen  the  point,  but  it  was  evident 
ly  not  clear  to  her  which  point, — for  a  little  later 
she  again  called  my  attention  to  what  Mr.  Zigger 
was  saying  by  a  more  violent  tap  upon  what  at 
the  time  seemed  the  center  of  my  nervous  system. 

"I  have  traveled  much.     I " 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  137 

"Mr.  Zigger,"  said  Miss  Grunstadt,  "has  been 
closer  than  any  one  to  the  North  Pole  and  has 
been  through  the  swamps  of  South  America.  It 
was  there,  was  it  not,  that  you  swam  miles  across 
a  flooded  land,  rilled  with  poisonous  reptiles?" 

"Fourteen  hundred  feet,"  responded  Mr.  Zigger. 

Miss  Merwin  took  but  little  part  in  the  con 
versation.  I  came  to  the  conclusion  during  the 
evening  from  casual  remarks  and  because  of  va 
rious  taps  on  my  corn  that  the  engagement  be 
tween  Mr.  Zigger  and  Miss  Merwin  had  not  been 
altogether  serious  on  the  lady's  part  in  the  first 
instance.  I  concluded,  however,  that  later  she 
had  come  to  look  upon  it  more  seriously.  There 
was  something  odd  both  in  the  manner  and  appear 
ance  of  Mr.  Zigger;  and  Miss  Gunstadt,  who  had 
evidently  considered  the  engagement  from  the 
beginning  in  the  light  of  a  joke,  continued  to  con 
sider  it  so. 

In  explanation  of  this  condition  of  affairs  it 
should  be  said  that  Miss  Merwin  had  been  ad 
dressed  by  Mr.  Zigger  three  days  after  he  had 
made  her  acquaintance.  She,  hardly  know 
ing  whether  he  was  a  madman  or  not,  in  a  mo- 
ment  of  thoughtlessness  and  for  her  own  amuse 
ment,  had  answered  "yes"  to  his  request  for  her  hand 
in  marriage.  His  evident  earnestness  afterward,  and 
his  persistent  attention  to  her  parents  and  the 
children,  had  of  late  prevented  her  from  joining 
her  friend,  as  she  at  first  had,  in  making  fun  of 
him  and  his  pretensions. 

When  Miss  Grunstadt,  on  the  evening  referred 
to,  took  Mr.  Zigger  aside  and  handed  him  a  let- 


138  Within  the   Fair,— Find  Them 

ter  which  was  written  in  a  back  hand,  something 
in  it  caused  him  to  gnash  his  teeth  and  pace  the 
floor.  Miss  Merwin,  being  unable  to  conceal  her 
mirth,  excused  herself  and  left  the  room.  Upon 
hearing  her  coughing  Mr.  Zigger.  turning  to  the 
others,  hoped  that  the  cough  was  not  serious. 

"What  will  you  do  to  him?"  asked  Miss  Grun- 
stadt  of  Mr.  Zigger,  after  he  had  ceased  to  frown 
upon  the  letter  which  he  held  in  his  hand. 

"I'd  like  to  cut  his  heart  out;  and,  if  he  had 
two,"  said  the  little  man,  fiercely,  "cut  out  both! 
Come,"  said  he,  turning  to  me,  "we  must  go." 

As  it  was  getting  late,  I  was  willing  enough  to 
depart.  A  horse  and  buggy  were  hitched  up,  and 
as  we  drove  rapidly  over  the  muddy  road  back  to 
town  clods  of  dirt  flew  from  the  wheels. 

In  that  neighborhood  practical  jokers  often  sent 
people  down  the  country  roads  in  search  of  an 
imaginary  character  called  "Wash  White,"  for  one 
purpose  or  another.  As  I  was  a  stranger  I  knew 
nothing  of  this  fanciful  "Wash  White."  Nor  had 
Mr.  Zigger  heard  of  him.  When  I  was  about  to 
retire  Mr.  Zigger  came  to  my  room,  with  a  serious 
face,  and  placed  in  my  hands  the  note  which  Miss 
Grunstadt  had  given  him,  saying,  "Read  that."  It 
proved  to  be  a  letter  signed  "Wash  White,"  in 
which  the  mythical  White  proposed  an  elopement 
to  Miss  Merwin,  saying  that  if  she  would  not 
consent  he  would  start  the  most  scandalous  re 
ports  about  her. 

"What  do  you   think  of  it?"  asked  Mr.   Zigger. 

"That  hanging  would  be  much  too  good  for 
him,"  I  responded. 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  139 

"I'll  take  his  life !"  said  the  very  fierce  manikin. 
"I've  got  my  carnage  ordered  already." 

"What?"  I  said,  "you  are  not  going  to  search 
for  him  tonight?" 

"I  am,"  he  said,  firmly. 

Finding  that  argument  had  no  effect  upon  him, 
I  allowed  him  to  have  his  own  way.  Besides,  it 
began  to  dawn  upon  me  that  the  whole  thing 
might  be  a  hoax;  but  feeling  sure  that  to  express 
this  belief  would  only  get  me  into  trouble,  I  re 
mained  silent. 

All  that  night  and  until  4  o'clock  in  the  morn 
ing,  my  friend  drove  to  places  previously  de 
scribed  to  him,  by  people  who,  having  the  usual 
reason  for  being  up  later  than  they  should  have 
been,  were  disposed  to  be  facetious,  as  the  resi 
dences  of  "Wash  White."  The  driver  of  the  hack 
in  which  we  rode,  notwithstanding  his  extra  com 
pensation,  was  in  ill  humor,  and  drove  wherever 
he  told  him  to  go,  without  explaining  the  situation 
to  us.  To  the  intense  disgust  of  the  inmates, 
Mr.  Zigger  woke  up  the  people  at  half  a  dozen 
houses  to  ask  for  "Wash  White."  Instead  of  re 
plying,  they  either  abused  him.  or  slammed  the 
door  in  his  face,  telling  him  that  he  was  drunk  and 
would  better  go  home. 

Despairing  at  last  of  finding  his  imaginary  en 
emy,  he  told  the  driver  to  start  for  town. 

In  order  to  make  a  short  cut  the  driver  started 
over  a  road  across  a  marsh.  The  night  was  a 
dark  one  and  the  lights  of  the  hack  had  burnt  out. 
We  had  journeyed  about  half  a  mile  when  we 
reached  a  slough,  over  which  there  had  been  un- 


140  Within  the   Fair,— Find  Them 

til  that  day  a  bridge.  But  on  that  day  it  had 
been  taken  away  in  order  that  a  new  one  might 
replace  it.  The  consequence  was  that  before  we 
knew  it  the  horses  and  hack  were  half  buried 
in  the  soft  mud  of  the  slough ;  for,  the  tide  being 
low,  the  creek  was  almost  without  water  in  it. 
The  horses  soon  scrambled  through  the  mud  and 
managed  to  get  up  on  the  bank,  leaving  the  car 
riage,  as  the  traces  were  broken,  in  the  mud  behind 
them.  With  difficulty  Mr.  Zigger  managed  to  get 
the  hack  door  open  and  crawl  out,  and  I  did  the 
same.  On  reaching  the  firm  ground  the  body  of 
Mr.  Zigger  to  the  armpits  was  covered  with  blue 
mud ;  his  hands  and  arms  were  covered,  as  well ; 
and  his  face  splashed  with  it. 

As  it  would  be  necessary  to  run  this  story  as  a 
serial  if  the  driver's  oaths  were  given,  we  will  not 
even  stop  to  tell  the  reader  that  they  seemed  to 
produce  a  fog  which  crept  over  the  surrounding 
land.  Suffice  it  to  say  that  he  left  the  hack  in 
the  slough,,  and  mounting  one  of  the  horses,  leav 
ing  the  other  in  our  charge,  started  for  town.  Mr. 
Zigger, — encased  in  a  coat  of  mail  of  mud,  waded 
off  to  the  right  across  the  marsh,  a  distance  of 
half  a  mile,  to  a  house  which  he  recognized, — • 
or  thought  he  recognized, — as  the  one  in  which 
his  sweetheart  lived. 

Upon  reaching  it  he  entered  the  gate,  and  going 
down  the  pathway  between  the  rose  bushes,  sud 
denly  stopped  short,  for  through  the  darkness 
the  outlined  forms  of  two  men  were  seen.  They 
were  beneath  the  window  of  the  room  in  which 
his  sweetheart  slept.  One  of  them,  who  was  stand- 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  141 

ing  on  what  was  probably  the  head  of  a  barrel, 
was  opening  the  window  slowly  and  noiselessly. 
The  other,  with  his  hand  pressed  against  the  back 
of  the  first,  stood  at  his  side. 

Now,  even  if  Mr.  Zigger  did  sometimes  lack 
discretion,  there  was  one  thing  which  he  never 
had  been  known  to  lack  and  that  was  a  degree  of 
courage  which  was  altogether  out  of  proportion 
to  his  size.  Knowing  that  one  of  the  rose  bushes 
was  held  in  an  upright  position  by  a  pick  handle, 
he  searched  for  it,  found  it,  and  with  that  in  his 
good  and  small  right  hand,  he  advanced  upon  the 
burglars.  Hearing  his  step  on  the  gravel  and 
seeing  him  approaching,  the  burglar  at  the  win 
dow  allowed  it  to  drop  with  a  bang,  and  then 
banging  his  pistol  with  a  still  louder  report  he 
carried  away  the  tip  of  Mr.  Zigger's  ear. 

Whether  or  not  the  loss  of  this  small  portion  of 
his  anatomy  led  Mr.  Zigger  to  believe  that  he  would 
thenceforth  seem  less  comely  in  the  eyes  of  his 
lady  love  it  would  be  hard  to  say ;  but  either  for  that 
or  some  other  reason  the  loss  of  his  ear  seemed  to 
fill  him  with  wrath  for  he  now  advanced  upon  the 
burglars  with  fury  and  eagerness. 

The  other  burglar,  upon  turning  the  light  of  his 
dark  lantern  upon  him,  observed  something  like 
a  cone-shaped  mass  of  blue  mud  moving  forward 
and  in  his  direction,  on  two  legs — the  most  extra 
ordinary  figure  upon  which  the  light  of  a  dark 
lantern  had  ever  fallen.  It  was  too  much  for  their 
nerves  and  the  robbers  fled. 

Mr.  Zigger.  after  chasing  them  over  a  back 
fence,  returned  to  the  house.  The  young  ladies, 


142  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

of  course, — Miss  Merwin  and  Miss  Grunstadt 
were  sleeping  in  the  same  room — had  at  the  time 
the  pistol  was  fired,  given  utterance  to  shrieks. 
The  children  on  the  floor  above  them,  had  followed 
their  example.  Mr.  Zigger, — with  his  muddy 
body,  muddy  hands,  muddy  face  and  bleeding  ear, 
— now  knocked  at  the  door. 

"Who  are  you?"  Mr.  Merwin,  the  father  of  Miss 
Sophy,  in  a  tremulous  voice  asked. 

"I'm  Zigger,"  was  the  response. 

Upon  opening  the  door  the  elderly  gentleman 
staggered  back.  Miss  Merwin,  dressed  in  her 
wrapper,  peered  over  her  father's  shoulder. 

"Good  heaven !  What  have  you  been  doing  to 
yourself?"  she  asked. 

"Oh,  lots  of  things,"  said  Mr.  Zigger,  briefly. 

Seeing  from  his  manner  that  he  was  not,  as  she 
had  at  first  supposed,  under  the  influence  of  li 
quor,  and  noticing  his  bleeding  ear,  she  said,  with 
a  cry: 

"What's  the  matter  with  you?" 

"Never  mind,"  he  said,  "but  give  me  a  gun, — 
quick!" 

Suspecting  now  that  he  had  attempted  suicide 
on  her  account,  and  having  gotten  so  far  as  car 
rying  away  part  of  his  ear  and  no  further,  he 
wished  to  renew  the  attempt,  the  gun  was  refused 
him. 

Later,  when  the  truth  was  learned,  the  young 
ladies  were  filled  with  chagrin  at  the  outcome  of 
their  foolish  joke,  which  they  had  supposed  would 
produce  no  such  result  as  that  which  had  followed ; 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  143 

and  for  saving  their  lives,  —  as  they  believed  he 
had  done, — they  were  full  of  the  deepest  gratitude. 
Because  of  their  conduct,  and  because  of  the  se 
rious  scolding  received  from  their  elders,  they  at 
once  proceeded  to  exhaust  the  supply  of  tears 
which  they  had  on  hand. 

Hot  water  was  prepared,  and  when  Mr.  Zigger 
appeared  after  a  bath  in  the  pantaloons  which  Mr. 
Merwin  had  loaned  him,  as  the  legs  were  almost 
entirely  rolled  up,  they  were  more  like  a  bag  with 
holes  in  the  lower  end  than  anything  else ;  and  the 
tails  of  the  coat  which  he  wore,  as  he  walked 
around,  seemed  to  be  doing  the  work  ordinarily 
performed  by  a  broom.  Remembering  his  courage 
ous  conduct,  however,  his  sweetheart  was  proud  of 
him,  even  in  this  costume.  The  two  burglars  who 
had  been  attacked  by  him  with  a  mere  pick  han 
dle  were  soon  caught  by  the  police  and  proved 
to  be  old  offenders  and  the  most  dangerous  of 
their  class. 

Is  it  necessary  to  say  that  from  that  time  on 
the  engagement  between  Miss  Merwin  and  Mr. 
J.  Wellington  Zigger  was  looked  upon  as  one 
entered  into  in  sober  earnest  by  all  parties ;  that 
the  marriage  which  soon  followed  was  the  proof 
of  this  fact,  and  that  Mr.  Wellington  Zigger  was 
the  happiest  of  happy  husbands,  myself  alone  ex- 
cepted?  For,  of  course,  as  the  reader  has  seen, 
after  the  various  attacks  upon  the  tenderest  part 
of  my  organism  by  Miss  Grunstadt  I.  Brown,  was 
destined  to  become  her  breadwinner,  and  she  my 
helpmeet  and  additional  rib.  As  a  husband,  I  have 
since  been  perfection,  and  Zigger  almost  so. 


144  Within  the  Fair,-— Find  Them 

What  of  a  City  at  One  Time,  (and 

at  No  Great  Distance  Away  from 

Its  Center),  Was  Its  Inferno 

A  British  young  lady,  in  1906,  was  visiting  in 
Berkeley,  California.  During  the  night  of  April 
16th,  she,  in  the  center  of  San  Francisco  in  vision 
saw  a  brass  plate  upon  which  was  inscribed :  "The 
stone  which  the  builders  rejected,  the  same  is 
become  the  head  stone  of  the  corner."  Then 
around,  and  about  it,  from  out  of  the  earth,  arose 
a  vast  volume  of  smoke  that  clouded  the  sky 
above,  and  with  the  smoke  rushed  flames  far  up 
into  it.  The  next  morning  to  two  others,  she 
described  that  vision,  and  expressed  dread  and 
unwillingness  to  go  into  the  vision  city,  as  on 
that  day  she  previously  had  promised  to  do. 
Urged  to,  she  nevertheless  went,  and  on  April 
18th,  1906,  she  in  the  city  of  San  Francisco,  was 
one  of  hundreds  of  thousands  to  experience  what, 
in  vision,  on  the  night  of  April  16th,  1906,  had  been 
set  before  her. 


Not  very  far  from  the  center  of  San  Francisco 
existed,  (but  is  not  now  longer  visible),  what, 
in  the  time  before  the  earthquake  and  fire  had 
been  San  Francisco's  inferno. 

Matters,  at  a  distance,   either  of  time  or  space 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  145 

become  clothed  with  mystery;  terror;  close  at 
hand  often  seem  commonplace ;  natural ;  seem  not 
mysterious.  We  must  read  if  we  are  to  feel  the 
greatest  sensation  of  horror  because  of  them,  of 
cruelties  in  Russia,  thugs  in  India,  be  horrified  at 
barbarism  in  Africa;  barbarism  in  San  Francisco 
will  not  do.  We  must  go  back  1600,  1800  years 
and  express  our  dissatisfaction  with  the  condition 
of  affairs  then  existing  in  Rome ;  and  yet  a  condi 
tion  of  affairs  no  better  has  of  late  existed  within 
the  limits  of  very  confined  parallelogram  in  one 
of  the  largest  of  American  cities.  There  has  late 
ly  been  in  others, — there  was  formerly,  in  the  cen 
ter  of  San  Francisco, — barbarism  nowhere  exceed 
ed.  We  read  of  thugs  stealthily  creeping  through 
the  leaves  and  passing  from  branch  to  branch 
of  the  trees  in  the  dark  and  dense  forests  of  India 
to  drop  finally  behind  the  unsuspecting  foot  pas 
senger,  encircle  his  throat  with  their  arms  and 
choke  him  to  death. 

We  read  of  doings  of  societies  formed  in  the 
days  of  Machiavelli  in  the  times  of  the  Doges  of 
Venice,  for  secret  murder.  In  a  narrow  district  in 
San  Francisco  existed  once,  several  societies  or 
ganized  for  murder. 

Forty  thousand  men — as  some  have  estimated 
it — defying  all  laws  of  health,  and  defying  the 
courts  once  lived  within  it.  The  nostrils,  when 
Chinatown  was  approached,  were  outrageously 
offended  by  an  odor,  which  was  altogether  Asia 
tic.  This  marked  characteristic  of  the  habitation 
of  the  "little  brown  men"  discounted  and  double 
discounted  what  could  be  done  by  the  wigwam  of 


146  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

noble  "Lo ! — the  poor  Indian."  When  your  eye 
sight  had  once  been  offended  by  what  could  be 
seen  within  that  murderous  "little  brown  man's" 
district,  you  would  be  quite  ready  to  say  to  your 
self:  "I'd  rather  be  a  toad  and  live  upon  the  va 
pors  of  a  dungeon  than  have  the  largest  kind 
of  corner  on  the  life  of  such  a  'celestial.'  "  But 
it  would  either  be  better  for  your  stomach  that 
you  had  never  been  born,  or  else  born  without 
one,  than  to  see  all  that  there  was  to  be  seen. 

True,  you  might  look  upon  the  outside ;  see  red 
Chinese  lanterns ;  Chinese  idols  almost  black,  hav 
ing  moustaches  like  rat-tail  files,  and  eyes  each 
inspecting  their  nose  tips ;  Chinese  pork, — so- 
called  ;  Chinese  mutton  that  once,  perhaps,  could 
bark;  hear  misery  expressed  in  sharps  and  flats 
called  music — and  think  that  you  know  something 
of  the  elder  day  Chinatown  life.  But  do  not  look 
on  the  inside, — that  is.  if  there  is  an  inside, — or  if 
you  can  find  it. 

There  was  an  inside  and  the  sights  there  to  be 
seen  would  be  to  you,  in  your  present  state  of 
mind  what  Niagara  is  to  a  large  portion  of  the 
people  of  Europe : — something  in  which,  perhaps, 
you  could  not  be  induced  to  believe.  Children 
were  born  there  on  the  edge  of  a  slow  running 
stream  and  that  stream  was  an  underground 
sewer, — one  that  had  broken  from  its  surround 
ings.  On  the  banks  of  such  a  stream, — in  the  pas 
toral  underground  regions  of  the  spider  and  the 
rat, — could  you  find  the  body  of  the  leper;  the 
living  man,  whose  body  had  been  turned  a  grave 
yard  of  flesh.  Where  slime  is,  or  in  the  dens  where 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  147 

smoke  of  opium  had  darkened  the  rafters,  women 
were  woo'd  and  won  by  the  time  honored  and 
only  method  there  known — by  the  intervention 
of  the  metal  that,  saying  "In  God  we  trust,"  was 
congealed  metallic  distrust ;  which,  having  "liberty" 
inscribed  upon  it  has  made  every  slave  since  the 
time  when  Venus  began  to  rise  up  out  of  the 
ocean.  And  the  wife  when  purchased,  was  woo'd  and 
won,  not,  perhaps,  for  the  man  who  bought  her, 
but  for  another  or  others. 

Here,  where  was  heard  the  mournful,  hopeless 
and  despairing  cry — as  it  seems, — of  a  mysterious 
being  who  goes  from  street  to  street  crying  like 
the  leper  of  the  desert;  voicing,  as  it  seemed  the 
condition  of  this  earthly  purgatory,  was  a  small, 
ancient  China  on  modern  American  soil.  The  hid 
eous  figures  of  idols;  the  more  than  hideous  chi- 
rography  of  "John"  himself;  such  music  as  makes 
you  wish  for  blinkers  upon  your  ears;  devil  wor 
ship  ;  a  system  of  government  carried  on  by  a 
grand  council  of  Thugs,  enforced  by  assassination 
and,  acting  in  open  defiance  of  American  law, 
— all  attested  this. 

Murderers  having  their  heads  shaved — not  for 
the  penitentiary,  but  in  compliance  with  the  rigid 
demands  of  fashion — were  to  be  seen  often  in  un 
derground  barbershops.  Murderers  in  blue  coats, 
—having  sleeves  long  enough  for  a  bishop, — by 
their  presence,  graced  nearly  every  "tan"  game. 
Murderers  whose  black,  braided  queues  hung 
nearly  down  to  their  heels,  who  wore  dress  re 
form  blue  bloomer  costumes,  walked  in  Indian 
file  through  the  smoke  and  black,  sticky  mud  of 


148  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

every  loathsome,  leprosy-infected  and  foul  and 
odorous  alley.  Let  the  white  beauty  paint  an 
inch — a  foot,  yes — a  mile  deep,  and  she  will  not 
find  herself  painted  as  the  heads  of  female  slaves, 
peering  through  a  network  of  iron  from  Chinese 
slave  prisons,  in  the  country  that  lies  behind  the 
Goddess  of  Liberty,  were  painted.  Let  a  soul  in 
torture,  in  the  realms  of  Satan,  give  utterance  to 
all  of  the  misery  that  it  has  learned  there,  and 
its  cry  will  not  in  any  greater  degree  lack  the 
quality  of  hope  than  did  the  cry  of  tearless  de 
spair  heard  at  times  to  issue  forth  from  these 
painted  living  human  tombs,  which  had  in  them 
souls  immortal — that  may  not  ever  find  out  a  way 
to  die. 

It  is  a  fact  susceptible  of  demonstration  that  the 
mind  of  Dante  could  not  have  imagined,  and  that 
his  inferno  contained  no  horrors  such  as  exist 
ed  in  the  more  awful  inferno  that  was  San 
Francisco's  center.  If  an  artist  wished  to  achieve 
fame,  instead  of  copying  the  old  masters,  he 
ought  to  have  painted  that.  And  yet  the  people 
of  San  Francisco  then  went  to  listen  to  a  lecture 
on  the  horrors  of  the  West  Coast  of  Africa.  See 
ing, — men  saw  not. 

Men  as  bold  as  any  that  have  ever  lived,  have 
been  assigned  to  duty  in  that  murder-hatching, 
foul-smelling,  immoral,  Joss  forsaken,  God-forsak 
en  pest  district.  If  these  men  knew  what  fear  was, 
their  deeds  never  have  shown  it.  They  went  where 
secret  assassins  swarmed;  assassins  secretly  arm 
ed  with  knives  resembling  swords,  hatchets  and 
bulldog  revolvers, — went  often  alone;  and  their 


Within  the   Fair,— Find  Them  149 

duty  they  always  performed.  Outside  of  their  serv 
ices,  they  aught  to  have  been  in  those  days  paid 
$1000  a  month  simply  for  smelling  that  unclean 
atmosphere. 

Surrounding  this  district  were  Christian 
churches,  Chinese  gin  shops  and  buildings  upon 
which  had  fallen  the  pest  blight  of  the  presence 
of  the  bacillus  that  then  wore  a  queue.  Their 
doors  were  closed  and  dust  covered  them.  Upon 
them  was  the  sign  "For  Sale,"  or  "To  Let";  in 
front  of  broken  window  frames  wooden  bars  were 
nailed;  and  from  broken  hinges  shutters  hung. 
Many  rats  had  made  them  haunted  houses, 
wherein  were  heard  the  ghostly  raps  produced  by 
their  small  feet  when  they  jumped. 

The  Chinese  liquor  shops  above  referred  to 
were  hells  in  basements.  Mingling  with  the  sweet 
bells  of  churches  surrounding  the  district,  and 
causing  them  to  seem  "sweet  bells  jangled,  out  of 
tune  and  harsh,"  were  the  cries  and  shouts  at  times 
rising  up  from  these  hells.  Going  up  into  the 
churches  were  long  streams  of  people  in  silks  and 
velvets  and  perfumes  and  gold.  Going  down  into 
the  hells  were  "fiends"  (men  and  women  who 
"shoot"  themselves  with  opium  "guns,"  or  smoke 
something  that  burns  with  a  sound  like  brim 
stone)  ;  "bums,"  "vags."  Those  preaching  in  the 
churches  told  about  what  ought  to  be,  and  gave 
utterance  to  what  Hamlet  called  "Words,  words, 
words!"  Those  who  had  descended  into  the  hells, 
performed  there,  Chinese  liquor  bottle  in  hand, 
what  may  be  called,  "deeds,  deeds,  deeds." 

Before  attempting  to  describe  "fiends"  and  such 


150  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

"vags"  and  such  liquor,  (liquor  that  would  cause 
a  shark,  if  one  could  appear  in  Chinatown,  put  on 
a  white  apron,  and  sell  liquor),  to  shed  such  co 
pious  tears  for  having  sold  it  that  it  would  soon 
have  its  own  grief-created  pond  to  swim  in.  There 
used  to  be  another  drink  which  came  into  exis 
tence  first  in  the  district  of  San  Francisco,  called 
"Barbary  Coast" ;  and  it  was  sold  only  to  the 
"coaster"  in  distress, — or  about  to  be.  It  is  not 
now  to  be  had  in  other  parts  of  the  city  and  was 
called  the  "bonanza."  The  man  who  took  it  regu 
larly  for  twelve  months  could  then  have  presented 
to  him  an  opportunity  to  drop  dead  and  "push 
clouds."  The  man  who  had  taken  it  steadily  for 
a  shorter  period  of  time  would  have  thrown  his 
system  into  an  excellent  condition  to  accept  death 
at  the  hands  of  the  underground,  queued  and  blue- 
bloomer-costumed  bar  tender. 

To  see  the  inside  of  a  Chinese  liquor  hell  may 
or  may  not  have  been  worth  any  man's  while.  It 
may  not  have  been  worth  while  to  make  a  study 
of  the  presiding  genius,  in  loose  flowing  garments, 
having  brown  bony  arms,  and  wearing  long,  white 
stockings,  whose  queue  was  fashionably  coiled  af 
ter  the  manner  of  a  serpent  about  to  strike.  We 
know,  however,  that  such  a  study  could  impress 
upon  your  mind  at  least  one  fact — that  there  are 
more  nightmares  in  the  world  than  the  ghost  of 
a  Thanksgiving  turkey  can  whisper  to  you  by 
way  of  revenge  for  having  as  the  wolf  grandmother 
did,  eaten  him  up,  than  are  to  be  seen  with  your 
eyes  shut.  If  you  have  any  pity,  beyond  words, 
for  the  "looped  and  windowed"  "has  beens,"  who 


Within  the  Fair,-— Find  Them  151 

are  not;  for  the  "poor  piteous  wretches"  with  dull 
ed  eyes,  who — while  living, —  are  walking  about 
dead,  you  will  then,  in  this  inferno,  be  able  to 
have  seen  nightmares  with  your  eyes  wide  open. 
Wretched,  ragged,  hopeless  and  craving  for  death, 
for  a  few  cents  a  glass  they  buy  it  here,  and  they 
drink  it.  Homeless  and  hopeless, — man  forsaken, 
— and  as  it  seems  to  human  eyes,  God-forsaken, 
they  are  standing  upon  the  stage  in  the  last 
act  of  the  drama  of  life,  and  with  their  glasses 
in  their  trembling  hands  they  salute  one  another 
as  they  see  the  black  curtain  beginning  to  come 
down.  Their  swollen  faces — men  with  battered  silk 
hats,  or  any  kind  of  hats, — or  no  hats ;  coats,  or 
vests,  or  no  vests ;  with  scraps  of  faded  lining 
hanging  beneath  the  tails  of  their  slick  and  greasy 
and  patched  and  stained  and  worn-out  garments, 
that  are  pinned  about  their  bare  throats ;  standing 
with  freezing  naked  feet  in  open  or  worn  out  shoes ; 
having  hands  that  shake  until  they  are  about  to 
spill  the  precious  liquor,  upon  which  their  dead- 
looking  eyes  are  gazing;  with  mouths  that  babble, 
and  have  gone  back  to  childhood;  and  brains  that 
reel,  and  are  ruins — all  this,  as  they  stand  in  the 
half  darkness  of  the  place, — tell  but  one  story. 

And  as  you  stand  and  look  and  listen  you  will 
perhaps  hear  the  sounds  of  church  bells  drifting 
from  afar, — overhead,  and  as  if  from  out  of  another 
world.  If  at  the  moment  you  are  inclined  to  be 
fanciful,  you  will  perhaps  imagine  that  the  bells, 
voicing  the  words  of  ghostly  tragedians  from  the 
world  beyond,  are  saying  to  them, — these  "walk 
ing  shadows," — sometimes  low,  sometimes  loud, 


152  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

as  the  wind  varies:  "Out,  out,  brief  candle;  out, 
out,  brief  candle,  out !  out !  out !  out !  But  this 
congregation  of  people  with  uncombed  heads,  faces 
unshaven — and  shaking  hands,  hears  it  not.  Dulled 
to  that, — those  senses  that  are  left  make  them 
wake  just  long  enough  to  drivel  a  laugh;  to  shout, 
from  defiance :  and  they  reel  and  drink  and  are 
dying  and  are  about  to  go. 

The  thing  with  a  head  like  a  toad's,  having 
eyes  in  it,  that  had  been  placed  there  without  any 
regard  for  perspective,  continued  in  the  meantime, 
to  sell  his  murder  to  these  "white  devils"  at  two 
cents  and  a  fraction  a  glass.  A  woman  standing 
in  the  corner  showed  what  she  had  been  by  draw 
ing  up  the  front  of  her  ragged  dress,  so  as  to  dis 
play  her  stringless  shoes,  as  she  driveled  a  song 
and  danced  for  that  crowd  a  clog.  A  man,  whose 
actions  were  those  of  a  lunatic,  showed  as  in  a 
frenzied  manner,  he  stabbed  the  white  washed 
brick  wall  with  a  knife,  how  he  would  probably  end  if 
he  had  not  been  born  to  first  be  drowned  in  liquor. 
Another  woman  whose  hair,  beneath  the  brim  of  her 
torn  straw  hat,  hung  down  over  her  brown  eyes, 
whose  tongue  seemed  as  she  shrieked  at  the  China 
man,  charging  him  with  having  robbed  her  of  a 
drink,  to  have  acquired  a  sudden  mastery  over  all 
that  was  foul  in  language,  showed  by  this  foulness 
of  tongue,  and  the  whiteness  of  skin  where  the 
cross  threads  of  her  black  dress  had  worn  away 
and  left  holes  in  it,  that  she  once  was  more  re 
fined  than  the  rest.  Curses  coming  from  a  heart 
that  had  bled,  and  passing  over  arched  lips  that 
were  once  beautiful,  proved  how  in  falling  she 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  153 

came  from  a  state  that  once  almost  touched  heav 
en,  before  she  reached  this  hell,  in  search  of  a 
liquor  which  served  as  a  temporary  respite  from 
the  acquired  and  irresistible  demands  of  the  sys 
tem  for  the  great  will  and  soul-eradicating  drug. 
It  is  hard  to  believe  that  this  woman  had  fallen 
far;  but  when  a  drug  enters  the  system  and  puts 
out  of  the  way  the  will,  the  body  will  fall  any  dis 
tance  to  any  hell.  Thus,  the  master  anarchist 
of  drugs  tears  down, — not  buildings  on  earth, — 
but  souls  out  of  heaven. 

Do  you  know  what  that  poor  living  corpse  had 
been?  One  against  whose  knees  the  brows  of  in 
fants,  with  heads  of  curled  golden  hair,  had  once 
pressed. 

One  of  the  policemen  above  referred  to,  assigned 
to  duty  in  this  nest  of  Mongolian  copperheads  and 
human  rattlesnakes,  was,  not  long  since,  standing 
in  that  part  of  Chinatown  in  which  murders  were 
oftenest  committed,  and  in  which  one  of  his  com 
panions  had  just  been  killed,  when,  telling  me  of 
these  shops  in  which  white  wrecks  are  given  a  li 
quor  which  soon  ends  their  misery,  he  took  me 
where  I  saw  what  has  just  been  described.  It 
was  evening, — cold  and  gloomy, — and  the  sounds  of 
the  chimes  of  St.  Patrick's  church,  calling  sinners 
to  prayer  and  all  "white  devils"  to  their  repentance, 
were  borne  down  upon  the  night  wind.  As  we 
stood  at  the  hells'  entrance  and  looked  upon  the 
Chinese  Satan  whose  white  soled  shoe  with  a  blue 
top  to  it  caused  his  foot  to  resemble  a  Mongolian 
hoof,  and  at  the  dead-eyed  "fiends"  around  him, 
we  were,  as  was  natural  enough,  cursed  for  our  cu- 


154  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

riosity  by  the  woman  who  had  been  dancing  the 
clog.  The  other  woman  was,  at  the  moment, 
resting  with  her  back  against  the  wall  and  her 
head  and  face  that  had  the  smile  upon  it  of  a  mind 
that  day  by  day  was  becoming  more  and  more 
vacant,  was  inclined  forward.  Did  you  ever,  in 
the  space  of  two  moments,  see  a  person's  age  in 
creased  twenty  years  or  more?  See  a  face  for  the 
time  so  changed  that,  if  a  woman,  she  looked  as 
if  she  might  have  become  her  own  grandmother? 
A  sudden  and  all  absorbing  sensation  of  despair 
can  do  it.  Such  a  look  had  spread  over  the  face 
of  that  poor  outcast.  Music  had  caused  it.  The 
Salvation  Army,  on  its  outskirts,  and  somewhere 
in  the  neighborhood,  had  come  on  what  seemed  a 
forlorn  hope  and  was  making  a  sudden  and  enthu 
siastic  attempt  to  reform  this  miniature  China. 
Borne  down  on  the  breeze  came  the  tones  of  a 
melodious  voice,  and  the  strain  sung  by  that  voice, 
she  had  caught.  The  words  coming  to  us  through 
the  darkness  of  the  night  were  those  words  by 
Cardinal  Newman  which,  in  the  Episcopal  church, 
are  sung  often,  over  the  bodies  of  the  dead : 

Lead  kindly  light,  amid  the  encircling  gloom, 

Lead  thou  me  on ; 
The  night  is  dark,  and  I  am   far  from  home, 

Lead  thou  me  on ; 

With  a  shudder,  but  not  from  cold ;  with  a  shud 
der,  but  not  for  herself;  with  a  shudder, — one 
caused  by  the  liquor, — she  moved  wearily  and 
slowly  from  where  she  had  been  standing  and 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  155 

reeled  up  the  steps.  She  brushed  by  us, — went 
out  and  down  the  street, — and  into  the  darkness. 
Upon  her  face,  as  she  passed,  was  the  dazed  look 
caused  by  the  sleep-producing,  death-producing 
drug  that  was  in  her.  While  nodding  her  head 
as  she  passed,  as  if  affirmatively  to  something 
that  she  imagined  she  had  heard, — half  audibly 
she  said:  "Yes,  yes;  Lead  Thou  me  on,"  and  then 
wandering  on  into  the  encircling  gloom  of  the 
night  as  we  watched  her — the  night  closing  around, 
hid  her. 


156  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 


Afterword 

One  that,  differing  from  others,  (while  appear 
ing  to  many  thousands  in  all  lands  not  to  be  one), 
will  notwithstanding  be  believed  by  numbers  even 
yet  greater  not  to  be,: — anything  more  than  a 
jest. 

E  Pluribus  Unum 

Through  labors  performed  for  the  help  of  the 
race  during  thirty-three  years  by  the  writer  of  this 
book,  the  boundaries  of  scientific  knowledge,  be 
yond  where  they  before  were,  have  very  widely 
been  extended.  In  the  work  of  placing  farther 
ahead  and  at  a  point  from  which  they  cannot  be 
set  back,  the  boundaries  of  a  life  furnishing  Em 
pire,  compared  with  which  those  that  Caesar, 
Alexander  or  Napoleon  have  sought  to  establish 
were  bubbles  that  rise  upon  but  to  vanish  into 
eternity's  tide, — no  hosts  have  been  butchered;  no 
sons  of  woman  have  been  sold  to  death ;  no  con 
queror  has  succeeded  in  having  the  world's  wealth 
and  honors  conferred  upon  himself  because  the 
torch  that  he  carried  was  made  use  of  to  light 
the  roofs  that  had  served  to  be  the  protection 
above  the  heads  of  women  and  babes. 

During  thirty-three  years  engaged  in  the  per 
formance  of  those,  the  most  difficult  of  human  la 
bors,  through  which  (as  have  the  profoundest  of 
mankind  ever  had  knowledge),  alone  can  the  per 
manent  advancement  of  human  thought  ever  be 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  157 

brought  about,  the  evidences  of  what  were  those 
points  to  which  human  understanding  and  man 
kind's  welfare  were  being,  by  those  labors  carried 
forward,  year  after  year  were  placed  in  the  hands 
of  the  chief  institutions,  in  countries  in  all  parts 
of  the  world,  founded  and  established,  and  cre 
ated  as  trusts  to  give  encouragement  to,  and  to 
promote  learning.  Before  referring  to  what  was 
the  consequence  of  so  doing,  it  is  but  just  and  a 
matter  of  honor  that  is  not  going  to  be  forgotten, 
to  say  of  one  human  being,  (of  the  male  sex  of 
the  human  race),  that,  during  the  course  of  those 
thirty-three  years,  he  to  the  writer  mailed  one  dime 
to  aid  and  encourage  him,  and  that,  while  engaged  in 
the  performance  of  those  labors,  it  so  did  .  Out 
side  of  this  one  endowment  of  his  work  came 
there  not  back  during  those  thirty-three  years, 
from  any  man  or  institution  either  engaged  in  the 
work  of,  or  founded  to  promote  and  encourage 
knowledge,  (except  earnest  words  from  two  of 
Great  Britain's  writers,  and  two  men  noted  for 
their  work  in  leading  German  universities,  that  to 
the  writer  were  of  worth  more  than  a  national 
endowment),  any  sound  of  a  voice  that  offered 
encouragement,  other  than  that  which  a  man  can 
himself  extract  out  of  derision,  coming  from  insti 
tutions,  (their  existence  gained  out  of  work  such 
as  was  his, — the  chief  cause  for  their  existence), 
established  to  give  to  such  work  encouragement. 

Not  in  connection  with  that,  but  other  work — 
came  there,  to  the  writer,  from  the  League  of 
American  Pen  Women,  Washington,  D.  C.,  a  rep 
resentative  with  the  request  that  he  would  tell 


158  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

them  all  about  himself.  Only  too  glad  would  he 
have  been  to  have  replied  to  this  request  confer 
ring  upon  him  honor,  if  he  had  been  certain  that 
they,  each  of  them,  would  have  been  willing  to  be 
come  in  character  so  much  like  himself,  that  it 
would  have  been  possible  for  him  to  have  com 
plied  with  their  request. 

The  works  of  the  destroyers  of  cities  and  men, 
may  the  world's  learned  institutions  without  effort 
be  able  to  comprehend.  But  this  work,  of  another 
sort,  that  has  gone  to  them  was  of  the  character 
that  must  ever  at  first  appear  to  have  been  sent, 
forth,  (before  the  time),  to  torment.  Nevertheless, 
with  these  institutions,  and  preserved  among  the 
records  of  some  of  them,  is  now  one  of  the  great 
est  of  all  of  the  forms  of  work  of  the  latter  sort, 
that  through  any  man  can  be  accomplished.  For 
must  the  lever  that  can  move  the  world,  be  ever 
one  thing  A  WORK :  not  a  philosophy,  that  can 
no  more  do  so  than  can  a  squirrel  that  dashes  for 
ward  inside  of  a  cage,  that  has  been  formed  into 
the  shape  of  a  revolving  wheel  within  which  it 
has  been  imprisoned.  Exactly  what  this  means 
has  every  endowed  and  philosophising  institu 
tion  of  learning  on  earth  got  in  time  to  come  to 
know.  For  out  of  the  labors  that  during  thirty- 
three  years,  unhonored  by  any  such,  as  institu 
tions,  have  been  performed,  has  there  gone,  (and, 
from  the  rock  upon  which  they  have  been  found 
ed),  out  into  the  world,  for  them  as  well  as  for 
the  rest  of  mankind, — LIFE;  which  life, — in  the 
true  sense  in  which  the  word  is  here  used, — is  not 
only  the  cause  of  the  continued  existence  of  man's 


Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them  159 

body,  but  for  the  soul  its  food. — more  necessary 
to  it  than  is  the  ordinary  food  of  which  the  body 
makes  use,  to  maintain  it.  Further  than  this 
there  may  be  made  a  statement  that,  to  any  true 
scientists  ought  not  to  have  in  it  matter  for  doubt. 
There  is,  for  the  planet,  a  life, — more  than  food, — 
from  the  lack  of  which,  (if,  by  those  labors  that 
must  be,  at  long  intervals  performed,  it  be  not  sup 
plied),  the  grains  of  the  earth,  the  barley,  the 
wheat  from  which  man  makes  his  bread,  will  not 
continue  to  grow;  from  lack  of  which  fish  that 
he  now  gets  out  of  the  ocean  would,  from  that 
time  on,  cease  there  to  be  found. 

Having  performed  those  ancient  labors,  set 
down  before  the  world  was  founded  as  the  most 
difficult  among  all  of  those  that,  on  occasion  after 
occasion,  some  one  of  the  race  was,  with  enlighten 
ment  as  to  why  it  was  and  knowledge  of  what 
during  long  years  was  for  him  to  be  the  conse 
quence  of  having  entered  upon  them ;  in  his  mind, 
(during  those  long  years  through  which,  from 
their  commencement,  he  had  known  that  this  was 
to  be  one  of  the  elemets  of  his  labors :  That  not 
anywhere  in  the  world  would  an  institution  found 
ed  to  encourage  and  promote  learning  raise  a  lit 
tle  finger  to  aid  the  one  engaged  in  the  work)  ; 
sometimes  questioning  whether  the  work  that,  dur 
ing  centuries  to  follow,  was  to  feed  those  of  that 
volatile  race  that  seriously  went  on  with  their 
occupation  of  creating  pageants  and  shows,  while 
such  a  question  as  bread  and  life  were  dependent 
upon  whether  or  not, — derided  and  unaided  by 
any  part  of  the  whole  earth's  machinery  establish- 


160  Within  the  Fair,— Find  Them 

ed  to  promote  and  encourage, — the  man  perform 
ing  the  labors  that  were  largely  to  aid  in  keeping 
them  from  ceasing  to  be,  would  ever  succeed  in 
carrying  his  labors  on  to  the  point  where,  of  them 
it  could  be  said  that  they  had  been  finished),  the 
writer  is  now  at  last  at  leisure  to  turn  from  them ; 
and,  throuh  the  publication  of  a  work  of  a  very 
different  character ; — this  one ; — to  begin  to  pay  off 
mortgages  that  have  accumulated  upon  the  land 
in  Berkeley,  upon  which  those  labors  were  in 
large  part  performed :  ground  to  which,  since  it  is 
upon  it  that  those  labors  were  carried  on,  hosts  will, 
(as  to  other  and  less  important  shrines  they,  in 
times  past,  have  done),  travel  during  the  cen 
turies  hereafter  to  follow,  in  order  in  front  of  that 
ground  to  stand,  on  it  to  gaze  and  thereafter  before 
it  to  ponder,  (as  must  some  of  the  hosts  of  readers 
of  this  book  that  are  to  be), — and  wonder. 

ADAIR  WELCKER. 
January,  A.  D.   1913. 


The  appendix  will  certainly  not  be  left  out  of  the 
United  States'  editions  of  the  book  until  after  the  first 
million  copies  have  been  sold,  and  probably  will  be  left 
in  it  until  after  the  tenth  million  or  twentieth  have  been. 
The  following  is  part  of  the: 


Appendix 


Before  the  publication  of  this  work  in  the  United 
States  was  begun,  the  proposition  contained  in  letters, 
a  copy  of  which  is  given  below,  was  submitted  to  the 
Panama-Pacific  International  Exposition,  San  Francisco; 
to  the  Portland,  Oregon,  Commercial  Club;  and  to  the 
Chambers  of  Commerce  of  Oakland,  Los  Angeles,  San 
Diego,  and  New  Orleans,  (going  in  the  latter  instance 
into  the  hands  of  the  New  Orleans  Board  of  Trade  Ltd). 
With  the  letter  given  below  printed  proofs  have  been 
sent  to  the  bodies  named.  If  the  proposition  should  not 
be  speedily  accepted  by  Pacific  Coast  or  Gulf  cities,  it 
is  the  intention  of  the  author,  (only  step  by  step,  and 
gradually  allowing  the  work  to  get  before  the  general 
United  States  public), — placing  the  proposition  before 
their  Chambers  of  Commerce, — to  grant  to  all  United 
States  cities,  from  the  greatest  to  the  least,  the  same 
advantage  that  the  others  above  named  have  had  the 
opportunity  placed  before  them  to  grasp.  And  that 
which  will  hereafter  determine  the  size  of  the  city  be 
fore  which  it  goes  will  be  no  uncertain  census,  but  the 
capacity  of  those  before  whom  the  opportunity  comes 
to  determine  whether  or  not  it  is  one,  through  which  a 
small  city  can  be  made  one  that  thereafter,  and  through 
the  ages  to  come,  shall  stand  and  be  first  among  the 
great. 

Should  some  one  of  these  United  States  cities  not 
quickly  accept  the  opportunity,  then  to  those  Govern 
ments  that  have  arranged  for  representation  at  the 
Panama-Pacific  International  Exposition,  on  the  same 
terms  offered  to  American  cities,  will  the  opportunity 
be  offered,  in  order  that  they  may  have  the  way  before 
them  to  remain  vivdly  still  remembered,  in  connection 


with  that  greater  Exposition  whereof  this  book  consti 
tutes  only  one  of  the  parts,  after  the  memory  of  the 
other, — within  which  they  have  already  arranged  for 
space  wherein  to  have  representation, — shall  have  waned 
and  grown  dim. 

THE  FOLLOWING  IS  THE  LETTER  THAT  HAS 
ALREADY  BEEN  PLACED  BEFORE  THE  BODIES 
ABOVE  NAMED: 

Gentlemen:  I  have  seen  the  statement  that  the  Brit 
ish  Government,  for  his  services  rendered  in  a  history 
that  they  thought  would  be  of  value  to  his  country, 
paid  a  British  writer  $400,000.00.  It  was  well  worth 
the  price.  But,  in  the  whole  world  is  there  not  a  gov 
ernment  that  has  at  any  time  shown  itself  in  greater 
degree  capable  of  understanding  the  value  of  the  serv 
ices  of  men  who  write  than  has  done  Great  Britain.  Yet 
the  service  referred  to  was  not  such  as  is  going  to  be 
rendered  to  the  Pacific  Coast  City  that  becomes  the 
first  to  accept  the  offer  now  placed  before  you.  There 
remains  the  possibility  that  the  proposition, — if  it  be  not 
at  once  accepted  by  one  of  the  cities  that  appear  to  be 
most  concerned, — may  also  be  placed  before  the  Cham 
bers  of  Commerce,  or  other  commercial  bodies  of  other 
citeis  not  now  here  named. 

At  the  same  time  that  this  letter  is  deposited  in  the 
mail  there  are, — pasted  in  a  blank  book, — sent  to  you 
the  proofs  of  a  book  about  to  be  published,  of  162 
pages,  the  running  head  above  which  is  "Within  the 
Fair, —  Find  Them,"  the  title  of  the  Book  being: 
PEOPLE,  (thither  coming  out  of  a  region  wherein 
disasters  are  met  as  if  they  were  a  jest),  WHOM  YOU 
MAY  MEET  AT  THE  FAIR.  The  book  is  one  that 
will,  itself,  in  the  beginning,  be  an  International  Expo 
sition  and,  after  that, — after  careful  consideration  by 
the  minds  of  the  thinkers  of  the  world  has  been  given  to 
it, — be  recognized  to  be  something  that,  going  out  and 
among  the  people  of  all  lands,  will  do  among  them  work 
of  such  a  kind  that,  out  of  the  many,  will  there  be  seen 
to  have  arisen,  and  within  them,  (though  of  them) 
be,  and  stand, — but  one. 

The    United    States     Bureau     of     Education     published 


in  1909  a  list  of  over  2000  libraries  of  the  United  States 
possessed  of  over  5000  volumes.  These  libraries  will 
accept  in  every  instance,  (I  do  not  believe  that  any  ex 
ception  to  the  rule  will  be  found),  and  gladly  catalogue, 
and  carefully  preserve  any  book  by  an  American  au 
thor,  a  previous  work  by  whom  any  foreign  publisher 
has  to  such  an  extent  esteemed  as,  at  his  own  ex 
pense,  to  publish  it,  whereof  journals  of  foreign  lands 
that  are  leaders  of  thought  have  then  well  spoken. 

At  the  end  of  the  book  about  to  be  published  to  you 
is  offered  the  opportunity  to  have  ten  pages,  upon  which, 
in  type  of  any  size  that  may  be  preferred,  to  have 
printed,  (following  this  letter,  and  the  statement  that 
you  have  accepted  its  terms),  an  account  of  what  may 
be  considered  to  be  the  features  of  the  city  first  to 
accept  the  proposition,  that  would  serve  to  make  it  at 
tractive  to  the  population  that  they  would  care  to  have 
come  from  other  lands  to  become  residents  of  their  city. 

At  the  beginning  of  the  ten  pages,  setting  forth  the 
fact  that  the  city  has  been  the  first  to  accept  the  offer 
and  pay  Fifty  Thousand  Dollars,  the  amount  required  to 
secure  this  right, — and,  (having  been  first),  having  se 
cured  it, —  the  matters  desired  to  be  set  forth  can  fol 
low.  Of  the  books  containing  at  the  end  this  matter, 
2000  will  by  me  be  presented  to  that  number  of  libraries 
named  in  the  United  States'  list  referred  to.  One 
thousand  copies  besides,  containing  the  ten-page  addi 
tion,  will  be  sent  to  one  thousand  of  the  leading  maga 
zines  and  newspapers  of  the  United  States.  After  that, 
in  all  copies  sold  in  the  United  States  after  the  first 
edition,  whatever  the  number,  up  to  one  million  copies, 
the  same  ten-page  addition,  (  following  this  letter  and 
the  statement  of  acceptance  of  its  proposition),  will  be 
placed.  There  are  yet  other  matters  that  I  may  possi 
bly  do.  I  may  come  to,  and  from  the  electrotype  plates, 
print  the  publication  and  publish  it  from  the  city  accept 
ing  first  this  offer.  For  having  obtained  this  opportu 
nity  the  city  obtaining  it  will,  in  my  opinion,  be  rewarded 
well,  and  many  times  the  cost  of  it  be  the  return  to 
that  city.  For,  through  accepting  it,  will  the  city  have 
displayed  the  capacity  of  the  class  of  men  that  she  se 
lects  to  pass  upon  such  propositions;  and  afterwards 


will  the  attention  of  the  thinkers  of  the  race  upon 
that  city  be  concentrated;  in  the  "spot-light"  before  all 
of  the  other  cities  of  the  earth  will  the  accepting  city 
stand.  Among  all  of  the  cities  that  cover  the  earth  will 
that  city  then  come  to  be,  and  stand,  unique.  It  will 
be  a  city  thereafter  living  and  acting  within  the  daily 
thought  and  contemplation  of  men  throughout  the  world; 
and  within  the  memory  of  the  race,  that  does  not  alter, 
will  it  have  found  a  place  where  it  will  as  firmly  stay, — as 
is  a  star  that  is  sometimes  spoken  of  as  being  so, — fixed. 

Among  the  cities  mentioned  (the  one  that,  through 
thus  having  more  promptly  than  others  made  up  its 
mind  and  accepted  the  offer,  will  have  gained  an  ad 
vantage),  will  have  had  a  new  quality  added  to  it.  For 
it  will  now  be  more  easily  recognizable,  in  the  kind  of 
crowd  that  will  consist  of  cities,  because  it  will  have 
obtained  something  by  which,  in  that  crowd,  mankind 
can  distinguish  it,  that  before  it  had  not,  of  which  for 
another  no  duplicate  can  ever  be  created.  Beyond,  by 
this  act  having  become  the  proper  subject  for  consider 
ation  in  the  literary  columns  of  the  world,  those  of 
greatest  value  among  the  editorials  of  the  world's  jour 
nals  will  give, — not  one  time,  but  many  times, —  to  it 
consideration.  And  the  city  ,in  such  a  manner  having 
become  connected  with  what  is  deathless  in  the  world's 
thought,  of  it  will  the  text-books  of  the  schools  of 
all  countries  speak,  and  in  all  books  of  reference  in  all 
of  the  world's  great  libraries  will  there  a  never-dying 
record  of  that  city  be  kept. 

The  undersigned  reserves  the  right  to  refuse  to  ac 
cept  any  offer  accepting  the  terms  above  set  forth,  (if 
the  acceptance  shall  not  come  within  a  time  by  him 
deemed  to  be  sufficiently  soon  and  therefore  not  satisfac 
tory  to  him,  because  it  will  not  enable  him  to  carry  out 
several  purposes  that  he  now  has  in  mind).  Therefore, 
the  time  within  which  the  offer  will  stand  open  may  be 
of  but  brief  duration. 

Very   respectfully,   ADAIR    WELCKER. 

[Ten  pages,  from  this  point  on,  is  to  be  utilized  by  the 
United  States  City  that  rising  up  to  a  place  of  vast  dis 
tinction  among  the  others,  offering  first  to  accept  the 
advantage  of  the  foregoing  opportunity,  obtains  it.] 


Mr.  Ada 

I  went 

zine  se 

to  coii 

May  166 
had  the 
view  an 
had  bee 

find  th 
bringin 

paid  fo 
who  the 

The  Be 

some  ot 

Radstc 

view  ii] 

on  sale 

to  me •  i 

x  x  xl 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


LD  21-100m-7,'33 


362079 


(, 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


